Sandi's Reflections - Part 2

[Phoenix9]

I believe I addressed the subject of vindictiveness on your thread. Enforcing your boundaries may cause her certain consequences for dishonoring them.....or it may not. As a man of honor, you make the decisions that you believe are right and line up with your values/principles. But your goal should not be to show vindictiveness toward her. I'm sure it must be difficult when your spouse is rubbing your nose in her cr@p every day.

I'm sure you did. I need to go back into my thread history and brush up and reinforce the healthy habits you folks have lined out.

It is difficult to have her act that way, but I know I have control over my reaction to her disrespect. It is something I need to embrace.

Another thing some LBH's struggle with is not rescuing the WW when she starts experiencing trouble/problems (from whatever source or for whatever reason). Although she's treated him horribly, and nothing has changed in their R, she'll often run to him to bail her out. That's when he has to allow her to put on her big girl panties and deal with it herself. Again, this is not vindication, IMHO, but it's simply allowing her to deal with the reality of her choices...….and/or how live without him will be for her. This is not punishment. It is you not bailing her out of the consequences of life that hit her. Make sense? She doesn't want to be M to you, so with the end of the M comes the end of you protecting her and fixing her problems.

I just now recognized my rescuing her a few weeks ago when I had to drive home with a heating pad and ankle tape for her. I said it was out of concern for D4, but everyone else here saw through my BS when I claimed it was me just trying to "help her out".

It's not your job to administer punishment to her. It's your job to protect your own feelings (set boundaries around yourself) and know what action you will do if those boundaries are crossed. It's not about you controlling her, but protecting yourself. You have to know how to separate making calm decisions rather than reacting to emotional pain. Are you focused on seeing her suffer...…….. or are you focused on protecting yourself from the pain she inflicts on you?

I am now focused on seeing her suffer. It is a unhealthy habit I am working on moving forward from. I have expressed previously that I would like to genuinely forgive her down the road. I just cannot do it right now, even if by some miracle she wants to discuss R now.

My feelings being protected from her is a work in progress. The last time I truly exposed my feelings to her was about two months ago after the emotional MC session. And we all know what you thought of that . I'm hoping and working on that session being the last time I expose anything about myself to her. I am not thinking about how I will act if I D or R. In my mind, it's too far away and I am not going to focus on that anymore.

Well, it takes time to figure all of this out and deal with your emotions. GAL is the best medicine you take. Even if you just go somewhere to read......it gets you away from the house.

You may need to do some specific type of vigorous activity that works off some the anger. Like punching a boxing bag.

I'm appreciating that time is beginning to heal these wounds. I still ask for an ending to this, but I am also looking forward to the kind of person I will be next month, four months, and a year from now. I'm already starting to see and feel the changes.