Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

Thanks Deja, I just bought a card today and plan to send it with a little cash. I feel good about it and I didn't write anything over the top in the card. I didn't want to do anything that his dad would read and somehow think I wrote it just for him to see, because again, I'm totally not doing it for that reason.

I have to thank you for using the term "affair down". I had never heard it before so I searched for it and learned some things that made a lot of sense in my sitch (not that it helps with the hurt!) One particular point that stood out to me was that often partners affair down because they are just looking for that 20% of what they feel is missing in the current relationship. 80% of their needs could be met but because the AP gives them that 20%, the illogically start to think that person is all they need to be truly happy.

The other reasoning was that OUR partner may actually be on the same "level" as the AP, as a person, and we just never realized it because our love is blind.

Sadly, as a sidebar here, I have been thinking both of these are factors in my sitch, with the latter being one that I really struggle with because I've always known me and H come from different walks of life and so on, but we had a lot in common too that I never thought it would be a problem. It really hurts me to think that maybe he thought someone else is more his "type" at this point in our relationship, like he was just "settling" with me, especially given that I didn't feel like he really gave me the opportunity to express or explore other things that maybe he would have liked more.

One prime example is hunting and camping... he seemed to make comments when stuff was starting to get bad between us (read: likely as he was getting more involved with OW) that I wouldn't like to go hunting or camping because I would complain too much about the weather or bugs or whatnot. I told him I might not LOVE it but I would totally go and show him that I can handle it and that it would be cool to do together. He never took me up on the opportunity and now (again a result of the SM trap from before) I've seen this girl has family that has a deer lease and pictures with hunting rifles, etc.

And so of course, even though I know I'm amazing and open to new experiences and I'd love to be more outdoorsy as a hobby with H, I know he's telling himself a different narrative that sounds more like this girl being his dream girl and someone he can "authentically" relate to while I've just become like...the "stuffy" wife (which is another perspective I REALLY appreciated when reading about affair downs... that for APs, the married partner they are cheating with is an "easy" target because as compared to other single people, they are only competing with ONE other person - the current W or H - which is a testament to their own self esteem and, obviously, integrity).

Of course a good W/H wouldn't ever engage with someone like that and would be mature enough to know the 20% they are missing now is going to be replaced by 20% of something else missing (or MORE, since they affaired down after all) with their new partner.

I know HIS story/excuse is not my fault, and whatever he dreams up about me not "letting" him do things or not being interested in the same things he is is false, especially given that H himself RARELY, if ever, went hunting or camping the entire time we've been together... it's just so frustrating that someone could be so happy with you at one point and then let stuff creep into their minds that totally negates ALL of that.

Anyway, I guess that was my cathartic rant for the day, hah. In general today was a good day of GALing, actually. Nothing crazy but I did it. I still hate being along every time I GAL and there are still plenty of things that make me think of H and wanting to share something with him. But I think it's getting better and I try to just let the thoughts pass by.

Oh, one more side thing in my life - my boss is going to give her resignation this week I think, and I'm not thrilled about what will be left of our team after that. I'm totally happy for her and those of us left are actively looking, but given my current relationship sitch it's just one more thing I don't need to be rearranged right now so I am a little nervous about it... either finding a new job I like after years of being in this one, or staying in my current job and maybe not getting the support (advancement, pay, etc.) that she gave me because of the politics going on right now. Ugh, just let me get out of one hole first please!!