So sorry to hear about your MIL. Sounds like it was a beautiful goodbye. I'm sure your H is struggling with a lot of things right now. Glad you are doing okay. (((HUGS)))
Picked the kids up this morning from college. They are now safely home with me for a whole month! It's awesome to have them here. D19 has had a bit of depression, so I'm glad to see her doing well and she seems happy. Last week she called me to share she is starting a trial of medication for it. She said she was afraid to tell me because she didn't want to put any more burden on me because of my situation with H. We had a long talk about that and I assured her she can talk to me about anything at any time no matter what. She seemed to realize that she really can, and I wasn't just saying that.
I was gone about 4 1/2 hours. When I returned home, H had been there. I got such anxiety over knowing he was there when he knew I would be gone. I don't like it. I texted him
M: i would appreciate it if you would let me know before stopping by the house H: I came by to do the lawn. i thought you were gone in [location]. M: We're back. I still would appreciate it if you let me know ahead of time. You could have seen the kids (I regret adding that! Not my business whether he sees the or not, I know!!!) H: I didn't think you'd be back so early. Sorry. M: For what? H: I just figured you were going to go out there have lunch then come back. That would take a good part of the day. Sorry.
No further response from me. I want to say "it sounds like you wait for me to leave on purpose before you come over. Are are snooping? What are are hiding from? Me? Still don’t know what he’s sorry about. The answer is probably, yes, I'm hiding from you. But of course he will not speak the truth. He hasn't for years, why start now?
He also decided to pick up some Viagra while he was here. I guess that tells me that when he said he wasn't dating, he was lying. Well, I didn't really believe him anyway. I'd love to call him out on it, but I don't think I will. Not now, anyway. Either that or he's using it with porn. I wouldn't be surprised about that, either, since I think he has an addition to it. Well, I guess it doesn't help my sitch at all to ask him about it. It will just stir the pot, embarrass him or piss him off, and probably make him run further into his hole.
Why do I want to start anew with such a damaged person who has been so deceitful for so much of our married life? The answer is I don't. I want him to have an epiphany, repent his ways, and seek the help he needs to heal himself from his former self and become a happier, better person. Sounds so far fetched to see it in writing. Well, God does answer prayers, and that’s really all I can do. Continue to pray for him. They may be answered in a completely unexpected way, I know, and I am working on opening my heart to any path he sets before me. I pray this daily also. I see the glimpse of it the person I’d like to know more about once in a while, and that is probably what keeps me from not filing for D right now.
Well, I’ve got my kids with me, house projects to complete, and 2 Christmas parties tonight. Tomorrow going to hear a band with a girlfriend, and some plans for next week are already shaping up.
Grace - he seemed to have ignored the actual request in your original text. They only hear, read and take in what they want.
Good call on not bringing up the Viagra thing. He will only deny it or lie or use some complicated logic which somehow makes it all your fault. Net result is it will make you feel worse. There is an emptiness inside them that they need to fill. They know on some level that they created that emptiness so rather than face it and become comfortable with it, they are urged to fill it.
I think I mentioned on my thread that I still love my H, but I would not take him back until he has worked through his [censored]. In order to work through his damage he has to absorb himself in it. Let your H do the same.
Have fun with your kids. You are truly being the lighthouse for them. Big respect to you.
Had two parties last night. First was a work party. Second was a dinner party. It’s a progressive one where you have each course at someone’s house. Last year H and I participated with 3 other couples. This year since I had my work party I said I would come just for a glass of wine and dessert late.
Both were really fun, but everyone had a spouse or SO with them. A bit of reality hit me. Although everyone at the dinner party was glad to see me, and I had a good time, I felt a bit alone. My life WILL change if (when???) H and I D. Probably my circle of friends, too. It made me a bit sad. I don’t embrace change. I’m learning to deal with change, however. Part of my self-improvement journey. But I miss the companionship of H. I’m doing some soul searching about that. Our companionship was so superficial for so long. Friends to do something with. They were pleasant times But that’s about all I got from him for months – probably years. I certainly wouldn’t want only that back, but I often think that’s a pretty good base to start.
I don’t know why H is on my mind so much. Probably because of the exchange we had yesterday about him stopping over without letting me know, first. I find myself obsessing over his activities (of which I know nothing). I’m trying to dig deep in my toolkit to stop the thoughts when they pop up. The kids don’t seem to be bothered he’s not around. I’m thankful for that. They have things planned with friends, I took a day off this week to hang out and do something fun, and we’ve been discussing other things we are going to do together this month. Too bad H is so far into himself that he’s missing out on connecting with his kids while they are home. I think he’s avoiding them so he doesn’t have to face what he’s doing to the family. But that’s his journey, not mine.
I feel in a funk this morning. Brooding way too much. I was supposed to go listen to a band with a friend from work, but it’s been cancelled. It’s dreary and raining. I don’t even feel like going to church, but I feel I need it this morning. I need to get my head and heart straight today. I think I’ll busy myself with house projects after church, do some bible reading, and maybe some Christmas baking. Keeping busy is usually the best medicine when these moods arise.
Journaling here is also very cathartic. Onward to a productive day!
I know EXACTLY how you feel Grace. I am doing okay as well but it is especially hard this time of year. Couples and families are everywhere. Looking back, I, too, had superficial companionship. My H was checking out and I think I instinctively knew it but I just didn’t know how to stop it. I just kept hoping it would get better. I wish now that I had tried when he was a little less far gone. But I didn’t and now this is where we are at. Don’t beat yourself up about being in a funk or brooding. It’s a part of the grieving process. (((Grace)))
In spite of the downpour, I went to church. It was very emotional, and I shed more than a few tears. The message was all about hope. When we trust in God, and have our hope in Him, we can patiently wait while God works. I need to trust that God is listening to my prayers, and they will be answered in his own time and own way. Afterwards, a woman whom I just met last week in a small group discussion and knows my story, hugged me and said she was thinking about me during the service and hoped it gave me what I needed today. Made me cry more. Well, tears are very healing. Another inquired how I was doing with more hugs. I am so thankful I found this support. My funk is still there a bit, but definitely clearing.
Also from church today. I felt the whole service was for me:
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid"; John 14:27
I'm sorry about your funk, and I hope it gets better for you--you seem really sweet and don't deserve this (though none of us really do, tbh)
I'm a Catholic Christian, so what I drew / continue to draw strength from was the start of Advent last week.
I pray that for us all, the Advent season may bring for us all (Christian or not), light--light to our homes, our hearts, our families, our lives, our relationships, and to our futures.
Bo - Yes. Light = Hope, Peace, Joy. Reengaging in my faith has been so healing. I'm thankful for the people God has placed in my path to help me along.
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So, I've been anxious about Christmas. I've been thinking a lot about what I want as far as having H participate in our usual family rituals. i had no idea what he was assuming about Christmas - whether he was automatically invited to our home to do our normal family Christmas. And I'm so very tired about making all the plans and smoothing things over with the kids. So, I took charge and put the ball in his court.
The kids are going to meet him near his work for lunch tomorrow. They also want to see their Grandma's gravesite, whom we buried this week. That's sweet. It's near Hs work. After much discussion with a trusted friend, I decided to message H:
M: "The kids mentioned they will be seeing you tomorrow. maybe you can discuss with them what arrangement you want to make to see them at Christmas." H: Meaning? You don't want me over on xmas? [as usual, making me be the bad buy and make decisions] M: I suggested you discuss it with the kids because I have no idea what YOU want. I want you to be free to make your own decisions about how and when you see the kids. We can discuss this if you want. you can call me or we can meet.
I have had no response.
I have no idea if this was the DBing thing to do. I don't even know if I have a WAS, MCLr, or something else, so this navigation doesn't fall in a neat sequence of events. I offered an olive branch for H to stay in the home the month of December (in spare bedroom). He chose not to. I think he now needs to face some of the realities of his decision to not commit to the M and family.
Why do I feel like the bad guy just because I set a small boundary? H saw the kids today, and instead of “discussing” Christmas it appears he had the kids make the decision. He texted that “the kids would like me to come Christmas Eve and stay and be there Christmas Day if that’s okay with you. I will be fine in the guest room”. So kids announced what they want, and he wants me to agree. I told him he was welcome to come Christmas Eve and Christmas day, but preferred he did not sleep here.
Snarky comment back: “That’s fine. I just will not then be back in the morning for presents. I’m sure the kids will be thrilled. I can’t get up that early and make it over there”. I was feeling generous so I informed him since the kids are grown up I planned to do gifts later in the a.m. I think I’m being more than generous and accommodating in light of his choice to stay out of the home. So now I will leave it alone and he will either choose to participate or not.
What really made me feel like the bad guy though was my S21’s reaction. I told the kids that in light of H’s choice to continue to live elsewhere, I preferred he didn’t sleep at the house but he was more than welcome for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. He launched into you lied to us all this time! I need specific reasons why this is happening! It went on and on. He kept accusing ME of pretending that nothing is wrong. I explained that is why I don’t think H should stay here, because THAT would be pretending. I asked D19 if she wanted to talk about it or had any questions. She just said “I hope you will wait until after Christmas to divorce”. Broke my heart! I told here H and I haven’t even spoken about that. She just said that no one separates for 4 months and not get divorced.
I ended the discussion by reassuring both that I am always here for them. I know I am my kid’s rock, and I think they know it too. H is lacking in that department. But, that’s nothing new.
I’m getting more glimpses of my new reality, and I don’t like it.
