Had two parties last night. First was a work party. Second was a dinner party. It’s a progressive one where you have each course at someone’s house. Last year H and I participated with 3 other couples. This year since I had my work party I said I would come just for a glass of wine and dessert late.
Both were really fun, but everyone had a spouse or SO with them. A bit of reality hit me. Although everyone at the dinner party was glad to see me, and I had a good time, I felt a bit alone. My life WILL change if (when???) H and I D. Probably my circle of friends, too. It made me a bit sad. I don’t embrace change. I’m learning to deal with change, however. Part of my self-improvement journey. But I miss the companionship of H. I’m doing some soul searching about that. Our companionship was so superficial for so long. Friends to do something with. They were pleasant times But that’s about all I got from him for months – probably years. I certainly wouldn’t want only that back, but I often think that’s a pretty good base to start.
I don’t know why H is on my mind so much. Probably because of the exchange we had yesterday about him stopping over without letting me know, first. I find myself obsessing over his activities (of which I know nothing). I’m trying to dig deep in my toolkit to stop the thoughts when they pop up. The kids don’t seem to be bothered he’s not around. I’m thankful for that. They have things planned with friends, I took a day off this week to hang out and do something fun, and we’ve been discussing other things we are going to do together this month. Too bad H is so far into himself that he’s missing out on connecting with his kids while they are home. I think he’s avoiding them so he doesn’t have to face what he’s doing to the family. But that’s his journey, not mine.
I feel in a funk this morning. Brooding way too much. I was supposed to go listen to a band with a friend from work, but it’s been cancelled. It’s dreary and raining. I don’t even feel like going to church, but I feel I need it this morning. I need to get my head and heart straight today. I think I’ll busy myself with house projects after church, do some bible reading, and maybe some Christmas baking. Keeping busy is usually the best medicine when these moods arise.
Journaling here is also very cathartic. Onward to a productive day!
