13 years and 2 kids pt. 3.

[SoTorn]

Journaling:

So what has happened over the weekend...

So friday I went to my parents place, and just had a good talk about my sitch, and they of course had some questions and stuff, that I haven't been ready to discuss / talk about up until now. D4 was awake when I took off as I mentioned, and yea, I don't like driving off when they are not sleeping, because they see WW do that often, and well, I somehow think I need to be there all the time then (I know it might sound weird, but I want to be the one stabile part of their lifes at the moment).

Saturday came, I did some things around the house, and then at 16.30 I took off, WW told me, that I looked really good (why does she always comment on my looks?) again, kids weren't asleep of course but I wanted to go out and I did. I kissed them goodbye and took off. I went to a friends house, we talked, played some boardgames, and went for a pubcrawl. It was fun, it was nice going out, and yea too much alcohol was consumed .

So I woke up on her couch this morning at 7.00, and I was like (and I don't know if this is normal?), I had an incredible urge to go home. I felt like I had spent too much money on nonsense (alcohol and stuff) that I could have spent on activities with the kids. I also felt like, (and of course I had fun last night), but I felt like I had wasted money on nothing, that I should not had gone, that I should focus on going the gym, being there for my kids, and not go out, get wasted and act like a teenager. I just wanted to be with my kids, and yes, this is where I realize I am not detached, because I also had an incredible urge to go home to see WW and just have a sunday morning (what is wrong with me......)

So I packed my stuff, went home and kids were so happy to see me. I feel ashamed for having spent so much money going out that I could have put into my kids? WW came out and greeted me when I came home. I had a coffee, sat down with the kids, and WW came in and sat down in the couch. She then said once again, that I was looking real nice. She asked if people (she assumed I was with others I guess, since I didn't tell her where I went) didn't notice how I had been working out?

Then I went to take a shower. Unpacked my back and her phone was on the counter. I couldn't resist (yep not detached), So I glanced at the screen, and behold, there was 3 snapchats from OM just 3 minutes old. I know my course is another life without her, but it is damn hard. How can a person sit down in a couch with a family she has broken, and then know, that the OM is texting her, most likely making plans and what not while she sits there and compliments me? Wow....

So yea, I hope the day will get better, and I can discard my emotions regarding going out yesterday. I think it boils down to the fact, that I was out 2 out of 3 weekend days, and that I feel like I missed out on the weekend with the kids.

I am going to go out again, but I think I am going to quit drinking alcohol for now, because my emotions coupled with alcohol is a bad cocktail. So I will just enjoy my GAL activities with water / soft drinks instead, and be composed, and in control of my emotions instead. (and No, I don't drink very often so its not like I have a problem, however it becomes a problem with my current emotional state no doubt).

I'm in the same boat. WW shows no remorse. WW wants a D. I'm just on IHS until she files or I get tired of it and file. I am doing a good job of detaching and working on myself. But I am still very hurt and my WW is on my mind often. I keep allowing myself to remember that she allowed another man to do what only I am supposed to do to her and it makes me angry. I really dont know how long I will have these feelings.