Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

P.S. Before I forget, I also wanted to share/point out that I never did get any other texts from H after he said he was starting the paperwork and stated he might need some info from me. It's just an "interesting" piece of data and I'm not following up with it or pushing anything. Seems typical and not really out of the ordinary, yet also makes me wonder what's going on in his head at this moment.

P.P.S. I have 100% been making the mistake of still looking at various SM profiles for OW. I saw some really dumb things on one of her accounts, memes that referenced being a wife and even completely hypocritical things like "18 reasons why fighting for marriage is worth it" ... ummm riiigghhhttt, you know your "boyfriend" is someone's H right?! Then ones about couples and how she will make her partner a priority, not an option (so of course I start telling myself that H is telling her I never paid attention to him).

But the "worst" one I saw the other day was something about when the love is so passionate and sweet and the sex is mindblowing (in a meme) but of course my mind went crazy, I felt all kinds of jealous and inadequate and oh my god is she so much better in bed than me, or does she make my H feel like he's some sex god that this is why he left me, blah blah blah...

Now before you give me a massive block to the head, I wanted to share this with you all to let you know that I told myself right then and there to STOP. I recognized what I was doing to myself and said I would NOT do it anymore. Yes I want clues as to what they're doing because I want to know if I should even have hope, and also I just feel entitled to it in a way, if I'm honest (in the sense of I deserve "to know" the story, if that makes sense) but whether I have hope or not has no bearing on what he is actually going to DO! And I am never going to know the full story of what they're doing together, even if I get hints.

Maybe those memes aren't even about my H...or maybe they are but maybe they also still fight...maybe in a year their spark will be gone and she'll be sick of him or he'll be sick of her or whatever... the point is not that I am thinking of those possibilities, but that I will never know what the stuff being posted NOW means - and it does NOT matter - and the anxiety it's giving me is NOT worth it! I woke up the next day panicky like I remember feeling when this all first happened, and as soon as my mind turned on I said in my head very intentionally again, STOP. Redirect. And it did help get me through.

Not gonna lie that the past few days since then I have 500% wanted to check. Really bad. But I've gone a few days not doing it and I'm really going to try not to give in. I can't say that I fully believe I will NEVER check it again, but I need to at least give myself boundaries and try to get a plan to wean myself off of obsessing over it. Unfortunately OCD and rumination and all those similar things run in my family so it is super hard...but I'm willing to put energy into trying to manage that vs. having to manage panic attacks because I'm dreaming up all of my worst fears!

Okay just had to share that... if you're reading this post and didn't read the one before it where I had some actual real questions I need input on, please do that because I already know I shouldn't have done what I just confessed to on this one