So next week is supposed to be our anniversary, and I'm feeling "okay" about it right now. But I don't really expect that feeling to stay as it gets closer.
I do have a good friend who bought me a new mattress and is having it sent here next week!! She obviously knows about all the things that have happened and works somewhere where she gets a good discount on them, so she surprised me with it... I couldn't believe it, it's an EXPENSIVE gift, and I don't know if she planned for it to be an anniversary "present" haha but so appropriate either way. I can't even put into words how much my friends have been doing for me, and I am totally that introvert friend that figured I hadn't kept up with my relationships enough for people to really invest in me at such a messy time, and I had been feeling guilty about that. If nothing else this experience has really given me amazing perspective on that.
Anyway, I have IC scheduled the day after my anniversary in case I end up having a wave of grief like I did at Thanksgiving. I so so so SO hope that doesn't happen but I mean, let's be real, of all the days to grieve I have to imagine that's going to be one of them.
I've been trying to decide if I should do something different on that day to stay busy/entertained/surrounded by other people, or just act like it's no different at all than any other day, working and just doing what I would otherwise. But I feel like the grieving HAS to come in somewhere because otherwise I feel like I'll just be ignoring the truth of the matter. Maybe I should just not try to plan it at all and whatever happens and however I feel is what it is?? I don't know, ugh. Maybe I can try to write something out to get my feelings offloaded BEFORE that day. Yes, that sounds like a good idea. Let me start there.
Separately, I do have a question for you all. My stepson's birthday is also coming up in a few weeks. We haven't been in contact either since H moved out... but I have been thinking about him a lot. I just didn't feel like it would be appropriate for me to text him or anything if he didn't reach out first. I also didn't want him to think I'm just trying to keep in contact with him to somehow stay close to H, which is DEFINITELY not how I feel. I really do just want to know how he's doing. He's got a lot of activities he's involved in that I was really looking forward to now that he's older, and I HATE that I can't be present to experience any of that anymore, especially after how hard it was for me to adjust to being a stepmom after all these years. I felt like we were just about to get to a stage where we could build a deeper relationship.
So my question is whether it would be inappropriate or potentially bad for my sitch, I guess, if I were to send him a birthday card with a small gift? I feel at this point it would be obvious that there's no ulterior motive attached given I haven't been contacting him all the time you know? But I just really have no idea what would be best in this case. I also know he's a teenage boy at this point and probably really doesn't spend too much time thinking about me, even less so if he's anything like his dad emotionally (and based on how he appeared to handle it when they moved out, I would say he totally is).
It's really sad and yes, part of this for me is not wanting to lose that relationship, but I also feel like why do I have to stop caring for someone who did not have a hand in this choice (same with my in laws - I still want a relationship with them as long as they are okay with it!). Sure, if he were to let me know he isn't comfortable with it or interested in hearing from me, I would totally respect that. But I don't get that impression at all... I just get the impression that "it is what it is" and he just goes with the flow because that's apparently how his father is teaching him to handle life... "Yeah, we're just gonna move out of this brand new home to my dad's friends house where I don't have a room of my own and my dad doesn't have to pay the bills because he's suddenly 'not happy' "... because that makes sense. Good grief it just makes me sick to think how he is going to handle HIS future relationships...
But I digress - I really just want to know what you all think about my acknowledging his birthday and sending something or letting him know at least that I'm thinking of him and wish him a happy birthday?
ALSO, I almost forgot ... when it comes to SM, there's obviously a lot of people who still don't know yet what's going on. Some of them I imagine may try to wish us a happy anniversary online and I'm trying to determine what I should do. For example, I could turn off ability for people to comment on my wall for a while so that there's not these awkward moments of someone posting and then we don't respond...
OR I could take the approach of saying to hell with it...let people post if they want. I don't have to respond, or if I really wanted to I could respond privately, but in any case maybe it would be a good thing!! Because part of me also feels like me taking steps to prevent people from broaching the topic is still "protecting" him, in a way, from not having to face up to additional impacts of his decision (e.g. seeing key people in his life that I KNOW he considers to be very close friends/family wish us happy anniversary and him realizing others that he may let down besides ME if they were to know what's going on...)
On this one I'm back in the conundrum of not wanting to make him feel shame because I know that's not going to help the sitch, but also wanting him to be accountable for the sitch. If you were to ask ME what I feel like doing, without any consideration of him... I actually really don't know what I would prefer for my own sake. Maybe turning off the comments just so it's one less thing to deal with, since people can still text or call or whatever if they really wanted...Grr, once again I even hate that we have to think about crap like this.
