Weathering the storm (pain18 DB VIII)

[sandi2]

Yeah...even though I have stopped consciously trying to nice my way in, I still do things that are considered nice, even if it is just by coincidence that she would benefit from what I did (she eats my food that I cook, extra soda, etc.). I don't go out of my way to help her. I stopped doing that. If that I am doing is still considered cake-eating and nice, how would I go about not doing that without sounding callous and vindictive?

Some of this comes with the territory when living together under the same roof. If you were cooking "for" her, or if you were serving her, that would be different. If you are doing something for her, hoping for approval, appreciation, earn a brownie point, or even a thank-you from her...….then you are slipping over into the "nice-guy" lane. Don't get me wrong here. If you carry a cup of coffee to her, she should appreciate it and thank you, but if she takes you for granted and/or if she has developed a sense of entitlement....there's a chance she won't appreciate it or even thank you. You are not going to score brownie points by doing things for her, not as long as she is wayward.

I think the mentality of the nice guy is that he feels if he is nice enough, does something for his W, accommodates her, lets her have her way or call the shots all the time......that this will make her happy and pleased with him, thus earning him favor with her, which he wants more than anything. When he doesn't get the results he wanted, he feels resentment, and he tries harder to be more accommodating. He wants approval. He's like the little boy who takes an apple to his teacher everyday. Sure, she may be his favorite teacher, but he's hoping he will win her think favorably of him.....so he gives her an apple. This may not be the best example, but maybe it will do.

When a man has NGS, I think he interacts this way with everyone. He wants to be accepted into a group or by an individual, so he tries to earn their approval. I suppose all of try to be on our best behavior when we want to be liked by another person, but the NGS goes beyond it. He tries to accommodate the other person(s), and expects something in return. I get frustrated sometimes when I read a post by a nice guy who is trying to convince us he does xxx for himself or the kids...…..and it's so obvious he is doing it to win favor with his WW. It's difficult for him to see it himself, I suppose.

I also find many men who struggle to find the healthy spot. They tend to go to the far opposite of a nice guy and act like a jerk or worse. They think they have to act mad, cold. and rude. It is not necessary to demonstrate negative actions, just b/c he wants to stop accommodating or win favor with someone else. If a man does not have acceptance or approval, it should not make him a jerk as the result of it. He does not have to be vindictive to those who rejected or ignored him. He just needs to stop trying to get their approval.