Picked the kids up this morning from college. They are now safely home with me for a whole month! It's awesome to have them here. D19 has had a bit of depression, so I'm glad to see her doing well and she seems happy. Last week she called me to share she is starting a trial of medication for it. She said she was afraid to tell me because she didn't want to put any more burden on me because of my situation with H. We had a long talk about that and I assured her she can talk to me about anything at any time no matter what. She seemed to realize that she really can, and I wasn't just saying that.
I was gone about 4 1/2 hours. When I returned home, H had been there. I got such anxiety over knowing he was there when he knew I would be gone. I don't like it. I texted him
M: i would appreciate it if you would let me know before stopping by the house H: I came by to do the lawn. i thought you were gone in [location]. M: We're back. I still would appreciate it if you let me know ahead of time. You could have seen the kids (I regret adding that! Not my business whether he sees the or not, I know!!!) H: I didn't think you'd be back so early. Sorry. M: For what? H: I just figured you were going to go out there have lunch then come back. That would take a good part of the day. Sorry.
No further response from me. I want to say "it sounds like you wait for me to leave on purpose before you come over. Are are snooping? What are are hiding from? Me? Still don’t know what he’s sorry about. The answer is probably, yes, I'm hiding from you. But of course he will not speak the truth. He hasn't for years, why start now?
He also decided to pick up some Viagra while he was here. I guess that tells me that when he said he wasn't dating, he was lying. Well, I didn't really believe him anyway. I'd love to call him out on it, but I don't think I will. Not now, anyway. Either that or he's using it with porn. I wouldn't be surprised about that, either, since I think he has an addition to it. Well, I guess it doesn't help my sitch at all to ask him about it. It will just stir the pot, embarrass him or piss him off, and probably make him run further into his hole.
Why do I want to start anew with such a damaged person who has been so deceitful for so much of our married life? The answer is I don't. I want him to have an epiphany, repent his ways, and seek the help he needs to heal himself from his former self and become a happier, better person. Sounds so far fetched to see it in writing. Well, God does answer prayers, and that’s really all I can do. Continue to pray for him. They may be answered in a completely unexpected way, I know, and I am working on opening my heart to any path he sets before me. I pray this daily also. I see the glimpse of it the person I’d like to know more about once in a while, and that is probably what keeps me from not filing for D right now.
Well, I’ve got my kids with me, house projects to complete, and 2 Christmas parties tonight. Tomorrow going to hear a band with a girlfriend, and some plans for next week are already shaping up.
