Thanks everyone for your comments! Yeh, it's been a long road and I am in a really good place.
Ovr I totally understand your take on divorce and I am not here to change anyone's mind about that approach. Let me just elaborate a bit on my path to give some clarity. I did not want a D when BD happened. Heck, I came here instead of rushing to a lawyer because I wanted to save my M. What I have learned through my BD journey is what I need from a partner, and what I settled for in my M. What I need from a partner is not something W can give me - it is just not who she is. When BD happened, i wanted to take a route of working through the muck to build a solid foundation and maybe save the M. Unfortunately, she didn't want to. There's nothing you can do about that. It would take a while for W to address her issues, and I would've held her hand to support her through her journey and she would have done the same for me - that is building something together and being better people for ourselves and each other. She not only didn't change her stance and work on herself, I see that she is emotionally and mentally in a similar place as BD minus the visible anger. One thing that I have learned so vividly throughout all of this is that life is so short. I don't know when my number will be up, and I don't want to waste any of it. W had so many opportunities to change course but didn't. Now I am not willing to spend years trying to repair something that may never be able to get fixed because what I want from a partner is fundamentally different from W. i don't want to live a life of acceptance, when I know that I can live a life of fulfillment and joy. So, that requires the D process to happen so I can mentally close this chapter and continue living my life and being the best me.
J dawg Yeh man I totally feel you. I wish I was stronger and would've brought up the issues years back instead of shutting down and just accepting life the way it was. As much as I see my faults, I have also learned to be compassionate to my old self. I was given a $hit hand by life and the barrage of turds never stopped coming. I was, and still am, resilient and survived through all of it, but not intact and strong. I got beat down and accepted that it was okay to get up and sit in the corner rather than get up and fight the next round. I am not that person anymore and I am better for that. My kids are doing well and my relationship with them has never been stronger. We will see the long term effects of this, but I am going to do everything I can to help them be well adjusted individuals with a support system.
Steve Thanks man! Appreciate the kind words and yes life is onwards upwards and full of joy, laughter, and love.
Blu Thanks for the positive reminder and reinforcement. I know I am here because of me. This community has been an incredible support system, but you can take all the sage wisdom from people and never apply it, and so never actually get yourself out of the muck. I know that when I rest my head, it is me and my mind and that I have to put in the work. No one else is going to do it for me. I was always somewhat proud of my resilience, but now I know that not only am I resilient, I can go up against the hurt and pain and come out improved rather than shutting down. I do pop by 'surviving the D' section often and I will get over there once I am done with the D. They do have a lot more fun
Kiro Good luck in your journey!
Davide Man, you are too kind and generous. I am heartened to know that my journey has been insightful and useful to you. Yeh, i have been a bit apprehensive about the dating world, but my confidence has been building for a while and I feel so completely ready to get out there and date. So, 2019 will be an interesting year. I can't wait to get back on the wall soon, hopefully 4-6 weeks. The injury made me slow down and I see it as a blessing because I was able to go deeper in my inward journey and heal my emotional scars. Best of luck in your path as well. Even if I don't comment often, I am reading your journey and it's wonderful to see where you're at. You've been putting in the work too and it shows.
AS I just don't have any words to tell you how instrumental you've been in my path of rediscovery. There may be one day when my W will want something again with me, but like you said, my cup is completely empty for her outside of her being a mother to my children. Yes, patience in the dating world will be a good place to test my new found skills. Always appreciate you stopping by, even if it's a 2x4.
Nicole Yeh, it's definitely a relief because i know that I am not hanging to a nostalgic view of my past and the M. I really see it for what it was and even though there was a lot of beauty to it, it wasn't what it could've been. I have taken my accountability of how I contributed to that and worked through my problems. I kept the door open, explicitly for W, but she never came. So, I am good with my decision because I know that I tried and stood strong. Once you stop looking at the past through colored glasses, the motivation to still stand became unreasonable to me because I was now not respecting and loving myself. I know the D sounds rough, but I am doing it out of pure love for myself because I know that only by doing that will I be a better person for myself and my kids. I have completely let go of W and any expectations from her. I want her to go on her own path and find her truths and do something with them. I just can't be the person that unpacks that with her. I do wish her the best and hope she finds what she's looking for. Releasing the other person from your expectations and accepting that they have their path to follow is truly liberating.
Nef Mad love and hugs to you too bro. Espero que todo bien contigo y disfrutando esa vida que es maraviollasa.
