Whirlwind of Hurt 5

[Twofeet]

So the other day when she called me and chewed me out was do to being amped up from getting a tattoo. She couldn't believe she got a tattoo and she was on an emotional rollercoaster and went off the rails on me. She told me about it and apologized for it. So in other words the day she was too busy on lunch in the work cafeteria, then later got a tattoo was the day D8 had a panic attack at school and needed someone to pick her up and D5 wet herself at school. The same day she called to blame me as the cause of the kids problems.

Oh on a side note I got my STD panel back from the Doc.... all negative, no STDs, what a relief. Glad I was able to break from that circular thinking/cheeseless tunnel.

I don't want to sound like I am looking for a pity party, but I thought I was a good man. I know I am not perfect and I made mistakes. I know I had hurt my wife emotionally in the past, usually unintentionally, but face it I am human and I made mistakes. I felt overall I was a good husband and I took good care of my W. I tried hard and I sacrificed. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong? Why is God punishing me? Why am I being tested? More importantly why is this happening to my kids? This woman I love, respected, and identified with, who was apart of my identity, you know as two flesh become one. She died, and was replaced by this stranger. I love this stranger because she is still my W, but at the same time is not. I feel guilt, I feel shame, disappointment , loss, and grief. Is this all my fault? Did I cause this ? How did I cause this? Right now I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and die. In fact a part of me has died or is already dieing. I don't have anyone I can really get this deep with except my db friends here online. I used to be able to get this deep with W, but she is gone now. I don't want to fall into a depression. I did once in college, it was horrible. I have fallen off my horse again, and I have to get back on again. I am normally so strong, and I hate being this weak, despicable, and vulnerable. This hurts so much. I have a really high tolerance for physical pain, but this hurts worse than that. This hurts worse than the time I was in poor health from a stomach issue and the pain made me think and feel like I was dying. This hurts worse when W almost died at S3 birth and I thought I was going to be a widower of 3 children. This hurts more than anything I have ever experienced in my life, and it wont stop hurting.

I am so sorry, I don't know what I did to cause this, but I am so very sorry.