Your 'Dday' was recent even though there'd been some smaller problems between you and your wife earlier on. I see you've received advice to move on and hopefully you will but I'd like to share a few things that could happen based on my experience. Three years ago my husband packed his stuff up and moved out with about a week's notice. He said he felt no chemistry with me anymore and he said he was going to stay with his brother. It turns out he'd been having an affair for several months already and he rented his own place. He pretty much forgot our daughter and I existed. It seemed he was gone forever. Then one night a few months later he came home. He said he was severely depressed and begged to come back. He never admitted to his affair but I found the evidence through an iPad he gave our daughter. I took him back and he promised to fix our marriage after he did x, y, and z with his career. I was so happy that he came back that I didn't offer any conditions nor did I make it difficult. Things were better for a while but then the resentment over the affair and my husband's lack of willingness to discuss it and figure out how to fix what went wrong made things worse again. Fifteen months ago my husband moved out again and hasn't come back.
I share those details because your wife's affair could abruptly end for various reasons and suddenly she'll try to come back. You could take her back but it seems people like your wife and my husband have difficult with resisting temptation. It seems they're vulnerable to affairs and cheating due to some personality flaw / weakness and also as an escape from their problems. Maybe I'm totally wrong but it seems the thrill of falling deeply in love and being swept off their feet causes them to forget all about their boring marriages. There's too much excitement going on. I guess you could compare it to when you first met your wife and fell in love with her - might you admit your focus went towards her and your old friends took a back seat for a while? Your wife's affair won't be that great forever, especially if they find a way to move in together. Then when reality sets in and problems start happening the affair might end. No one really likes to be alone, so if the affair ends your wife might start to remember you again. Perhaps she'll start to realize how good she had it with you and she'll start to call and contact you again.
The problem with waiting for your wife to 'wake-up' and come home is that even if she comes back she might repeat the same cycle again with some other guy. At first she might enjoy the comfort and familiarity of being with you again but then some other temptation might arise. Trying to reconcile is really hard. If you're still young and have no kids it'd be fairly easy for you to meet a new woman (although there are risks even with a new woman). You have to imagine the short-term happiness you'd feel if your wife comes back vs. the long-term risks. If your wife comes back and seems sincerely ready to settle down and change then perhaps that'd be a different story and you two could reconcile.
When you're in so much pain all you really want to know is that your wife might come back. I'd say she really might try to come back even with the way she's acting now but it'll be hard for you to get over all the destruction and devastation. I think it's important even when we're abandoned and feel hopeless to imagine your spouse coming back and what you'll do if that happens. This might help to prevent you from letting her coming back too easily. If you're prepared then you'll know you need to set conditions, take it slowly, start over again, etc..
You really are a good man. You have a right to feel the way you do. What went wrong is just that your wife fell in love with someone else and she's too immature to honor her marriage vows and stay faithful. An opportunity arose for your wife that made her feel great after she'd probably been feeling depressed, bored, and disconnected following the miscarriages. I'm not sure what you could have done to prevent this. There may have been nothing you could do differently because you sound perfect. There are many books and resources out there on affairs. Perhaps you can read some of them and you'll better understand infidelity which will help you to cope better during this difficult time. It's true that your wife doesn't realize the damage she created. There are surely many people who care about you though and see the damage and want to support you. This is a painful devastating experience but there's always a chance your wife will try to return. I believe the MWD book says most affairs end within six months to two years. It's hard to imagine it right now but someday you and your wife may talk and reflect on what happened.
I guess what the DB book is trying to teach is that you work on GAL, 180's, etc.. to feel better about yourself and to re-gain confidence which will make you even more attractive to your spouse and may increase the chance they'll come back.
