The cycling back and forth is terrible. Please know it is normal, we’ve all experienced it, and it will pass. The mixed feelings, the anger, the confusion, all normal.
Keep your focus on you and your kids, as best you can.
Originally Posted by R678
...to be honest I don’t know if this is how it’s going to be from now on because soon as I open my eyes bang instant thoughts again which then sets you off for the day.
Yes, that is exactly how it is, and it will get better. You will reach a point where she is not your first thought of the day. Honest.
Originally Posted by R678
maybe I’m not strong enough to get through this and I’ll carry on moping around feeling sorry for myself which I don’t want to I want to move forward but don’t know how.
R678, focusing on you doesn’t mean ignoring or denying your feelings or what is happening. It is a conscious shift in concentration, determination, and thought to adjust your feelings and thought processes away from your spouse and all the BS. You focus on what you can control and therefore change - You!
While doing that, all those terrible feelings, thoughts, and pain - learn to accept them. Do not try to ignore, deny, or think they will just go away - they don’t. You learn to accept them for what they are, which will reduce them down to actual size - they really are not as big as they seem. That is how you move forward.
The other thing to really work on is how you speak about, and think about things. It affects how you feel about things and will help or hinder your progress.
To see what I mean let’s start with your quote from above. Maybe I’m not strong enough - your brain doesn’t hear the maybe, it hears “I’m not strong enough”.
I’ll carry on moping round feeling sorry for myself. I know you don’t want that, so don’t think it. The brain is a powerful force and it will enact what you are telling it to do.
Some other items: - I haven’t really got anybody to talk to. - main issue comes into my head who’s she with - is she seeing someone else - all negative thoughts I know I just can’t seem to stop them - I honestly do not know what the answer is. - I wouldn’t honestly have thought I’d still be feeling like this - I thought it would be better once she moved out - I’d wished I’d never met her
It is good to see these, to vent, to post your feelings - they are all valid and true. Now, accept them, stop reinforcing these ideas in your mind. Shift your concentration and focus on you. Change your feelings.
Let’s try and give you some help.
- haven’t really got anybody to talk to.
You’re talking with me, Gordie, MarvinF, peacetoday, DejaVu6, job, marina7. You probably have some people in real life also. You can also see a counsellor.
- main issue comes into my head who’s she with - is she seeing someone else
This one is hard and terrible. It is a source of much suffering, I know. I had so much pain from this. The harsh reality is you need to accept it. It has happened, you cannot change it. She may or may not be seeing someone. It is best to assume she is and prepare for it. It is just staggering how many MLCers have affairs. It means nothing, really! Do not give it any more power over you. Realize it is just a symptom, a band-aid, accept this and move forward.
- all negative thoughts I know I just can’t seem to stop them
Remember you are not trying to stop them, just focus on you and learn to accept them, to accept the truth.
- I honestly do not know what the answer is.
I think maybe you will start seeing an answer.
- I wouldn’t honestly have thought I’d still be feeling like this
Very true. However, do not dwell and reinforce this idea. See and feel your feelings, then let them go and move forward. Keep focusing on you.
- I thought it would be better once she moved out
Her moving out does change some dynamics. However, most of what is causing your emotional ride is in your own head. The addiction to our spouse is very powerful and hard to break. Keep at it, you will get there.
- I’d wished I’d never met her
This, like lots of other things, is just a small innocuous thought. It does add to the rest. Wishing for something that can never be can lead to a denial of what is going on.
You and her had a long time together, 3 kids, and 7 grandkids. I am sure there are many happy memories. Do not wish it away. Ensure you know your true desires.
I would think you more wish she never had MLC or suffered whatever trauma she experienced so long ago. I think, that if you look closely, you cherished the time you had with her. Don’t diminish it, it is such a source of strength.
However, for now just acknowledge you love her and move on. Do not change or rewrite your own history, and do not get lost in memory lane.
I hope this helps.
Keep the focus on you, with all that it means.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
