Whirlwind of Hurt 5

[Twofeet]

Well I went to our court mandated child planning today. It the last step before my W can finalize the D. W was super friendly. I had to hold it together when they showed a video of kids getting emotional talking about parents and issues with D. At one point a little girl was crying and said something in the video that really upset me. I think I made a growl/grunt and W leaned over squeezed my arm and whispered it's okay TF we are not going to be like that. Kids have always been my soft spot.

At break W showed me that she got a tattoo. I was initially shocked and she could see it. She was super worried. It was a tasteful tattoo that integrated our kids names. I told W I was surprised, but its something she talked about wanting in the past. I told her it was nice and I liked it. In my head I was not only shocked but upset and I know why now. I have nothing against tattoos, but it's the bigger picture. New hairstyle, hair color, clothes, drinking/ bar scene. She is just going backwards and turning into a teenager/ early 20 something wild girl. It hurts, it shouldn't and someday it won't. These aren't my bad decisions. Her tat is also in on an exposed part of her leg so now she had to be very careful of her wardrobe. She is high enough in her company, which is extremely conservative at the upper echelons, that visible tats are a unsaid no go. No joke she won't be able to get into senior leadership with an exposed tat. Oh well not my problem.

After W wanted to drive around for a few so we could talk children before we left that turned toward dating. Well I had a giant streak of weakness and I effed up royally. Ready? Here we go.

We talked about OP not disciplining our kids, W is the mom I am the Dad. Told her anything happens there will be hell to pay, no threat just a fact. We talked about abuse stats for physical and sexual abuse primarily coming from boyfriend, stepdad, and typically older OP kids. She was well aware of the stats and said we have to be hyper aware and protective of the kids.
W then wanted to talk about dating. She wanted to know if I was dating or planned on it. I said no, not anytime soon. TF dont be afraid to date she says. I say I am improving myself, focusing on my friends, family, kids, work and my side business. I said I am building my empire, and I dont have time for OP in the near future. She said she wasn't dating right now cause she is still M to me, but wants to wait a while to be alone and figure her stuff out. She asks about my plans again I said I am never getting M again, you saw the stats in the class. I say 70% of second M in D, just not worth it. W says you cant tell OP that. I said yes I can, otherwise if they don't like it we are wasting time. W says she will probably never M as well, doesn't want to risk assets or trauma to the kids. She talks about online dating and is avoiding it. I say yes haven't heard good things. Also talked about hookup culture and modern dating scene. I say my morals are R first sex later, but many of the guys I know say no sex after 3 dates means woman gets dumped. My friends in CA (both guys and girls) are telling me it's more like 1 to 2 is standard for their area. This scared W and disgusted her. She says a coworker who is single with kids told her she effed up and W should have worked it out with me. She says the dating scene for divorced moms like them is garbage and they are just going to end up alone, all the good men are married or dont date women like them. I say sorry about that, but the hard truth is you are 35, 3 young kids, W interjects with fat and ugly, I say I always found you beautiful. Anyway your prospects aren't great, you are going to be dating older dudes, most likely divorced dudes. I say the women I talked to say I am handsome and will be able to date ladies in there 20's. W tries to tell me who I can date and how young I say ok I can understand how you feel that way. Where I really effed up is I said I will always keep the door open for W. If I'm not in an R with OP we can always have a talk..... Way to go TF way to tell W you want to be plan B.

After W wanted to know from my connections thought the place she was going to for drinks tonight was awesome. Gave her the skinny on it, she hugged me, then we parted.

Well I wanted to hit her with some reality, but I think I just dug that hole for myself and made myself a plan b. Please smack me silly with 2x4.

Well I am flying to I think pain18 neck of the woods. Going to have a fun work get away weekend. Got to get my mind off things. Feeling sick and hopeless.