I am glad you posted, I was wondering what was going on. I did think you were doing a bit of reflecting, much like I did we do tend to go offline for a bit while sorting things out.
Your feelings, or more the lack of, is described very well, as well as your confusion regarding it. Keep posting about it, it will help sort it out.
Originally Posted by sjohns6
I have gone through a period to where I feel totally detached from any feelings towards W.
For what it is worth, and for accuracy, that is indifference. Detachment unties your emotions from her emotions and antics, you still feel towards her - love anger, hate, pity, sorrow, etc. It brings a big reduction in the emotional rollercoaster, and some clarity and comfort.
Indifference ceases your feelings, or greatly reduces them, regarding her.
Originally Posted by sjohns6
...she seems to grow smaller in my rearview mirror.
Originally Posted by sjohns6
I still almost feel like I'm doing something wrong. I mean not exactly, but a little bit. I hate it that nothing I do really feels right.
This is a strange state to be in. This is where we all were hoping to get to, back when we were suffering so much. It brings much peace, since her antics do not faze you in the least. However, there are traps to be wary of.
First, I would like to point out how feeling something makes it so much more real. We all know our MLCers are doing this in overdrive. The LBS is not immune to it either. Before our mixed up feelings and pain, we thought we would never get over it. And look where we are. Currently the lack feelings seems like it will be forever and you should just throw in the towel. Here is the first 2x4:
Do not decide things based on your feelings! They will change!
Look at where you are. When you started this path after BD, I am sure, I know, you felt different.
Find your beliefs, your core, what makes sjohns6, and follow that.
Look at what you wrote (and by the way perfect, sincere and honest). You feel like you are doing something wrong. You hate this. Nothing feels right.
Yep. That would be expected. Some of those traps I mentioned. Of course it feels wrong, this is a strange new place for you, it is going to feel wrong for a while. Give it time to settle in.
From what I see you now have very little noise or distraction from W or yourself, just what you need to find out who you truely are. sjohns6, from someone who cares enough to urge you to do what is best for you - Don’t waste this opportunity. Very few people ever get the chance to seek within themselves, or have the friends that will help them and hold them to the task. Most friends want a quick fix for you, and most people just want a quick fix. I believe you know better and want a more solid realization of life.
About a month ago I rambled on quite a bit on detachment and indifference. I asked a bunch of priming questions. I am thinking if you were to read it again, you may see it differently, maybe even have some of those profound insights you were looking for.
Now on to the remainder of the 2x4s:
Standing. I get it. You have healed enough to know you will be alright. You know enough that you could let go of W. Indifference makes it seem like standing is pointless. Feelings - be careful. Follow something better.
True standing starts when you are at this point, where you could just walk away.
Stand!
Keep moving forward, but stand. Let things settle down within your emotional self, the other feelings that seem so large. Make your decision not based on feelings.
Do not look so far out into the future. Yes reconciliation is a very long process. You do not need to decide today. Just give yourself some time.
Do not date, you are not ready. Be honest and sincere, and I mean with yourself. This is me totally projecting on to you, with my situation.
I honesty desire that widow work lady. I am also interested in the other girl. I am not over my STBXW. I went to the Christmas party alone. I had one girl that is throwing herself at me, and the other with the answer yes to a date that I haven’t even asked for yet. I have given myself some time and the feelings did subside.
You should do the same. Let your new feelings subside a bit, then make better decisions. You do deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you, absolutely! Just don’t rush it.
One last thing, for the moment. All this is advice is for you, your life, your healing, your future, your path, it has nothing to do with W and everything to do with you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
