Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 2)

[Wanted1]

Annoying seeing happily married couples, except: 1) “happily”? W and I went out for a date night 4 days before I discovered that she had been cheating on me for 6 months. Or there’s a selfie of us smiling together back in November, when her PA was already up and running. So how many of those happily married people are about to get BDed? And 2) how many of them are 2nd marriages? And 3) pretty soon that will be us. (I’ll admit that whenever I see a guy with a wedding band I get jealous and think, what does he have that I don’t?)

Yes, after I wrote that I was thinking the same thing. Half of them probably aren't "happily" married but the constant reminder I've been seeing everywhere that it seems like everyone around me is M is a little depressing. I never noticed wedding bands, etc. up until 2 months ago! Now, that's the first thing I seem to notice. I also understand that that is something I can change. I just need to not focus on that when I'm out and about. Be oblivious to it like I was before!

You are right, probably a 1/4 of them are not their first marriage, too. I hope that we all will be "them" whether its with our current spouse or we find a new one!

As for ICs: 1) you don’t HAVE to go with anything they say. Mine isn’t familiar with DB and isn’t pro-M to my knowledge, but obviously not anti-M, and i don’t know if he is religious, and he never asked me if I was or wasn’t. And so forth. And YET, I had already been seeing him before BD (for depression), and the first time I saw him after BD, when I was sobbing in the fetal position, his advice was: kick her out and tell her to call you when she’s ready to work on the marriage, and move on. Sound familiar, like maybe something a few people around here have suggested? Yep. And he repeated that advice week after week because I didn’t listen.

My IC seems very similar. She wasn't familiar with MWD when I asked her if she's heard of her and the techniques she teaches. She's never came out and said she's pro-M and I don't think any of them are necessarily anti-M. I was hoping before this all started that we would have access to Catholic ICs but there just aren't any in our area. When we had our joint sessions, I didn't get the feeling that wife's IC is very pro-M, either, which is a little bit disconcerting. However, I think W's IC is more focused on healing my W, individually, with all of the personal issues that she's been carrying so long.

What do those guys have that you don’t have? I can totally relate Burned. Whenever I see couples, I ask myself the same question. Answer: a loyal, committed spouse. Unfortunately, people don’t come with warning labels. My H’s would be... Warning: Selfish manchild. Unrealistic idea of relationships. Expects others to make him happy. Conflict avoidant so you will never have a chance to work through anything. He lies as easily as he breathes and bails instead of doing the work. Run, don’t walk. He will only break your heart if you stay. If only...

DV, you are spot on! We would be those people if our spouses didn't have such an incessant need to destroy everything good in their lives and decide that when the going gets tough, rather than communicate the issues at hand, go out and make things worse by having As. I've said it numerous times in my thread and other threads, I truly don't believe that my deficiencies, short falls and short comings live up to the level that would require D as an option for most people. Especially without at least trying to work through the issues. I own my part. I understand what I failed at in our R and they are all pretty typical of male characteristics and the general difference between male and female makeups. The problem is, now that I know what I need to do to be better and actively want to be better, my W doesn't want to give me the chance!

My W's warning label would be the biggest scarlet letter that could be sewn on her chest.