Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 5

[Davide]

Solo,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. It sounds like there are some striking similarities in our spouses. (woo... alliteration!) Do you find that your H is ruled by emotion? That seems to be a dominant theme for my W - it feels to me that she is a slave to her emotions, whether it be unhappiness in the MR, or limerence with the OM. In my opinion, she puts too much stock in these temporary emotions and not enough in what is truly important (her values). That is the source of much of her conflict as she is still torn by conflicting emotions - excitement for her new life, guilt for leaving, sadness for what we were, probably passion for OM. She genuinely does not want to hurt me, but she lacks the ability to set aside these emotions. I'm thankful that she isn't angry or full of blame. That must be difficult to deal with.

Dating is strange. I am trying to act as deliberately as I can, to make sure that I am making decisions for the right reasons, and not falling back into old behavior patterns. Right now the doctor I am seeing is making that difficult. She keeps pushing to move faster, but at the same time is highly skeptical of me and my ability to be in a relationship so soon after my separation. It feels at times like anything I do wrong is an excuse for her to push me away because it signals my lack of readiness. We were supposed to meet up yesterday, but I misunderstood some texts and we didn't end up getting together. She really lost it on me. I apologized because it was my fault, but at the same time I am wary of falling back into that Nice Guy who is constantly apologizing and doing whatever it takes to keep their partner happy. I own up to my mistakes, but the rest is on her. I am very consciously trying not to take on her emotional baggage - whatever neediness she has is her problem, not mine.

Ovr,

Thanks for chiming in as well. Yeah, I shouldn't have said the "you already did" comment when she said that she was afraid of losing me. To be fair, it was said with a chuckle not maliciously. However, as soon as it came out of my mouth I realized that it was the wrong thing to say. Validating and listening was my main focus for almost all the conversation. That was hard because she was pressing to hear from me, but I did it as well as I could.

Yep. The answer is always to keep on keeping on. I led a fun group bike ride last night in some freezing weather, tonight I am off to the gym unless my lady friend wants to get together, then Saturday should be snow-filled with a work party in the evening. Sunday, if the snow isn't too bad I am off to a city 4 hours away for an international job fair! So, I am certainly keeping busy!