[Wanted1]

Not sure if what took place last night is a good thing, bad thing or essentially neutral.....

My mom text me that she got a call from a friend that told her that her son had heard W was "busted" with her "running partner" and that we were splitting up. Like most rumors, only partially true...lol.

Like an idiot, I broke my going dark plan and forwarded the message onto W. She didn't seem that upset and the conversation, more or less, evolved into us exchanging a couple texts back and forth on how rumors start and are full of half truths and over embellished, etc. They are especially bad in a small town like we are in.

I did decide to use this as an opportunity to maybe show her I've changed in one aspect that I've wanted to do a 180 on for quite a while. Well before BD. Growing up in a small town and now settling back into the same town, I've always been concerned about what people think and say about me, my family, etc. Again, I think this tendency is exacerbated by living in a small town. One of the few disadvantages of small town life is everyone knows everyone and therefore everyone finds out everything about everyone. It's always bothered me that I put so much weight and concern about what other people think. I was just too stupid to realize that I'm the only one that can change that! Since BD, I've read tons of books/information. One being the book, the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F@#$. It surprised me at how well I've 180'd on this mentality because the old me would have spiraled after I got that text from my mom. Last night? I just rolled with it. Didn't really care much about it to be hones that they know W and I are having difficulties, etc and starting to talk about it all.

I explained this in a couple texts to W. I told her that I have always put too much weight on what people think (she knew this and agreed) and that I've been actively trying to rid myself of that characteristic. She responded "that so nice to hear. It's so liberating that you can free yourself of that. I'm happy for you." Maybe my desertion of going dark just for this particular exchange could plant a small seed of doubt in my W's mind that I "can't change." Doubt it, but who knows?! Nothing I'm doing is changing though. I didn't respond to that text and I've continued my going dark plan.

One interesting tidbit though that came from our conversation was that she still hasn't rented an apartment. Remember, last week, she told me she was moving out. Had an apartment rented and was wanting to move a few of the larger things in. Was that a temp check to see how I would react? Because I think I handled it quite well at the time. I started explaining to her the logistics how things would go with the kids. I never once begged her or pleaded with her. I didn't respond angrily or shockingly or anything like that. I simply took the information and started planning for it.

She offered that information during the part of our conversation when we were talking about how rumors start. I had said that maybe people are putting 2 and 2 together with the new job and that you rented an apartment and that's how it all started and ran from there. Her response then was that she had inquired about an apartment but told the lady to keep it strictly confidential and went on to say that she hasn't signed anything and nothing has been rented.

I will not change a thing I'm doing, however! Keep on the going dark path and see where it leads me.