A familiar story with questions EIGHT

[RR17]

As people get older, it definitely takes more effort in keeping a fresh breath. And I'll tell you something I find interesting, it seems to be difficult for some women to tell their man he has bad breath, or whatever it is about his mouth that isn't very sexy at the moment. Going to the dentist regularly, and brushing your teeth (and scraping your tongue) goes without saying. I've heard that having certain stomach issues, gum disease, dry mouth, etc. can give us bad breath. All you can do is try to make sure you've covered all the bases.

All these measures have been taken, along with special expensive mouthwash. BTW, my W had no problem eventually telling me I stunk. She didn't use much tact but as you describe she probably struggled with speaking up. This was years ago. I have asked if it is still an issue and she says no. I have granted her permission to tell me if I stink. I think the current issue was as you described and more about a lack of emotional connection. Like I said you hit the nail on the head.

I believe there is a difference in making love and just having sex. For a woman to make love, I think she has to feel emotionally connected/attached to the man. Maybe the man does, too. I can't speak for him. I think men learn early on that they need to "humor" the woman, so to speak. Get her in a good mood, to prepare her for sex. If it's making love.....great, and if it's just sex......great (in the man's opinion?) grin

For the record. I believe that a woman has to feel loved, in order to make love. A man needs to have sex in order to feel loved. Even in a somewhat healthy relationship, we men use sex to temp-take. This recent prohibition has helped me to see love in other ways. And I guess that's a good thing.

Hormones play a big part in women....and men. One of the best things I did after my MR reconciled, was go to a hormone balancing specialist. The doctor told me that my sex hormones had flatlined. shocked Anyway, if you can bring your W to multiple orgasms, then I doubt her sex hormones are below normal. That doesn't take care of the mental part, however.

Before BD#1 W had expressed a lack of happiness. After some reading, I suggested she get her thyroid checked. It was fine. I now see that this was a sign and lead up to EA and BD. She has since found happiness in all the other things I have previously described. More friends, success at work, Ds and my removal of all pressure in the MR.

I remember one time my H said that he had made up his mind that if we ever had sex again, it would be b/c I initiated it. It was always difficult for me to initiate, and part of it goes back to those old tapes being replayed in my head. It felt so weird for me, and I wanted to be romanced and seduced. We might goes for weeks or months waiting on each other, and when there was no sex.......all forms of physical affection would seem to die out, too. Then out of the blue, he would walk up behind me while I had my hands in the dishwater, and he would grab my breasts or put his hand down my pants. I absolutely hated it. I have talked with other women who feel the same way, so it's not just me. I tried to tell him it didn't turn me on, and it was like he didn't hear me. Then I finally told him I hated it, and he got mad and sulked.

This reads like a page from my own life. As men, we get these messages from movies about spontaneity that don't often apply in real life. I remember a time when we were having a lot of sex (honeymoon phase) and I forcefully took her up against the door etc etc. And she later commented that she liked it a lot. Seduction gets complicated in a long-term MR. I plan to add some kind of affectionate non-sexual touching every day. I had tried to do this several weeks ago and there were hugs. At one point she seemed put off. I asked her if the hugs bothered her. She said "a little" they made her uncomfortable. I stopped. Yesterday while discussing some challenges from her work, W started to get a little emotional. I stepped up and hugged her. Her response was receptive. She has turned into a complicated creature.

I understand, b/c I was much the same way when I wasn't wanting physical intimacy with my H. Some of it was ignorance on my part, b/c I didn't really grasp how badly it hurt him to be rejected sexually. And, part of it was my own emotional needs were not being met by my H. I needed emotional intimacy, in order to desire physical intimacy.

This reminds me of an instance recently were I had said that not having sex for over 5 months was the longest I had gone since, well like high school. W looked seriously at me and said "Me too! Well not since HS but for a very long time." She said this like it was something that was happening to her, not because of her choice. I didn't point it out that she was the cause. But it was like she was saying that we were in the same tough spot. Anyway, I thought this was strange.

... I felt that my H saw having more sex as fixing our M problems. That was his answer whenever I tried to approach him about different issues. So, I became very resentful. It becomes like a cold war.

I believe these have been her thoughts. That if we do it, it will mean that things are all good.

I will proceed as discussed here. Continue with the usual DB practices and intentional, none sexual touches, try to flirt and be funny.