Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage pt2

[neffer]

So you both agree to have a D then? That was your choice?

[SoTorn]

From what I can tell, communication has been a problem throughout the MR. So, it's not going to get better while she is in this WW frame of mind. I'm not sure how to advise you to communicate or come to an agreement of who pays for which bills. It needs to handled on a business level and try to keep personal feelings out of it. Hard to do, sometimes. Perhaps you can figure out a fair split and present it to her, rather than wait till she has to tell you something is due. If you are going to pay a bill, then you be responsible for keeping up with the due date, etc. Same goes for her bills.

It seems your kids are old enough to choose which parent they want to live with, but you still need to check everything with a lawyer. You said in a previous post that it would go against you if you moved out...…..have you talked any farther with an attorney regarding the situation with your WW? If she would agree to 50% custody, would it still go against you to move out.....with the kids half the time? It seems paying the current mortgage is more demanding of your paycheck than hers, if I understood correctly.

The other thing that stands out to me is the issue of consequences. I doubt anyone on the board talks about the importance of the WW suffering consequences and facing reality as much as I do. However, don't become obsessed with it. Set your boundaries to protect your emotional feelings, and know what action you will take if those boundaries are dishonored. Here's the thing. Know what you can control and what you can't. You are the only adult you control. If you shoot off your mouth about something b/c you are trying to control her actions, and then you can't back up your words......it just makes you look weak. So, think it out before you speak. Boundaries are about protection, not controlling. Boundaries are not ultimatums.

I believe the H can do a few things (by means of enforcing his boundaries) that has consequences for his WW, which I gave some examples in my first thread Help for the LBH with a WW. Let me make something else perfectly clear. Life has its own unique way of dishing out consequences for a person's choices. Currently, you feel that she and OM are getting away with this affair, but in time, she will face consequences for her decisions. The OM is not going to risk his retirement and losing his family for some pretty fling. He'll play as long as he can get away with it, but if she starts putting pressure on him.....he'll cut it off. When she sees she has sacrificed her family for OM, and then he dumps her......it will hit hard. And, that's what will have to take place. No amount of talking from the LBH is going to change her mind. IMHO, if she believes her H is patiently waiting at home for her to make up her mind which man she wants, or whenever her affair ends......is not attractive to her. The LBH is nothing but a backup plan, for security reasons.

If the WW believes the H is dumping her and moving on with his life without her, it does more than any other action he could do. It does more than trying to show her all his self improvements. Why? B/c of the way she thinks. She takes his love for granted. She thinks she can disrespect him and he'll still want her. Although she is very resentful toward him, she really doesn't see him completely out of her life. That's why most WW's want to remain friends with the H they betray and/or trade for OM. In a crazy sort of way, it's like the WW thinks it's okay for her to find OM, even M him...….but she doesn't want anyone else emotionally replacing her in the life of the LBH. It's like she wants the LBH to always sit around, lonely and pining away for his WW. That's why a WW will get curious about the H's new GAL activities. He has to get serious about GAL, and when he does, she'll start asking nosy questions b/c she wants to know if he is seeing someone else. Crazy, huh?

Anyway, talk with an attorney, ASAP. Know your rights. Know your options. Learn about boundaries before shooting off your mouth. Keep your distance from her as much as possible. Focus on you and the kids. Treat her as if you would someone who was renting room/board. (House guest you have to keep company and entertain, but a boarder you don't. )

And, before you start rereading something, I suggest you move NMMNG to the top of your list.

Hi Sandi,

I have spoken with five attorneys now. All of them told me not to move out until the ink is dry on the paper.

In regards to bills. I know when stuff is due. Unfortunately I cannot have any sort of conversation with WW because when she is around me she is in full "flight" mode. If that makes any sense. Therefore she is extremely aggressive and easily argues. The best I can do is just ignore her to my best ability. Therefore, I am just making sure that my half of the bills get paid.

You are right that I was focused on consequences because I was confused on boundaries. I explained that in my previous post.

I have legit stopped focusing on WW's actions. Yes I still notice them, but I am making a conscious effort to ensure that my actions are for me and not for a reaction from WW.

Now that my focus is facing towards myself and my kids. I actually feel much better. I don't feel sad. I have a bit of resentment yes. I am actually happy for myself and accept this gift of time to work on myself.

I appreciate everyones feedback. My posts were confusing because I was confused. I took a huge mental break and re-centered with my IC and my kids.

I truly wasnt glossing over anything, I just did not know how to try and implement boundaries. I did a lot of reading on boundaries. They are for me, not for her.

[neffer]

It’s ok ST. Keep detaching and GAL. There’s no need of any R talk with W. Stay away from her. Don’t get into her cake eating. Like you said, it’s about you and your kids now. My best wishes man!

[SoTorn]

So you both agree to have a D then? That was your choice?

Correct. However, I still do have a faint hope of R. I just accept that D is the probability and therefore am working on myself. I am working on getting myself set up financially etc. Working on having zero conflict with WW.

I will not file. The five attorneys I spoke with said I don't have to worry about anything because who files first here doesnt matter.

I am going to make WW set up mediation or file for D. I will make her do the legwork if she wants to end it.

The attorney said this in summary.

"You are living in a hostile environment with constant emotional abuse because she keeps blaming you and continues the A. You seem to be handling this maturely and seem to be getting good advice from somewhere. Keep up the detachment, keep focusing on yourself and the kids. Remain conflict free and do not engage in fights with WW. The longer you stay in the "hostile" environment and do so in a mature manner, while focusing on the kids, will show in court, that you were mature enough to ensure that commitment to the children's well being was priority".

My two goals right now are.

Ensure that my children feel my love and care as much as possible while we are together 100% of the time.
Ensure that I am remaining healthy and happy about who I am.

[SoTorn]

It’s ok ST. Keep detaching and GAL. There’s no need of any R talk with W. Stay away from her. Don’t get into her cake eating. Like you said, it’s about you and your kids now. My best wishes man!

Thanks! I feel a lot better now.

[neffer]

I get it ST. Why don’t you keep reading some of the stuff here? Keep posting. DB fits into the objectives that you have in mind.

[SoTorn]

Absolutely. I am reading and rereading lol. Any books you could suggest would be great. I have ordered a few.

[SoTorn]

One thing I can say is that detaching has caused WW to be around me more. I am getting the "you look nice" comments and minor questions like "how was work". I use one word responses. WW also calls me sometimes for random stuff. WW called Monday morning and I was in my car so it auto answered. Her question where she needed to call me so urgently?

"Where is the lint roller?" Lol. I'm like uh. I have no clue, bye now, click.

[SoTorn]

One thing I have been doing since I lost weight is dressing really really nice. I.E. wearing suits and very nice, fashionable clothing.

Today I wore a suit. I feel great now that I can wear nice clothes. I got another "did you go shopping again?" question from the WW this morning. I just responded "no, I have had these clothes for some time now".

WW did say again that I look nice. I said "thank you".

Over the last couple of days WW has been going in my room (MBR) and into the bathroom when I am in there getting ready and weighing herself. WW is very fit and is very beautiful. I have been and will always be extremely attracted to her.

WW told me she was just weighing herself because her pants were loose. I think she is trying to lose a couple of pounds for some reason. Odd behavior from someone that is already thin and fit.

WW has just been either at home or at Yoga/Pilates or work. WW has jury duty this whole month so she can't travel for work.

I am trying not to worry that OM is here in town and they may be visiting. Nothing I can do about it. I have cameras in my house and my neighbor has outside cameras (he is a police officer). He would tell me if he saw anything weird or anyone he doesnt recognize going into my house.

Otherwise, its a good day. Friday, lots to do at work to keep me busy. I need to figure out what to do tonight besides the gym.

[ovrrnbw]

She is trying to lose a couple pounds "for some reason"? She is trying to lose weight to look better, it's not that hard to figure out. Even if she's already in shape, this is a normal thought for men and women at a time like this. Saying that it's odd makes me think you don't want to be honest about things.

WW is GAL it sounds like.

Good on you for not worrying about what she is doing.

Good luck finding something fun tonight.