Not much opportunity for GAL today. Busy day at work and then had to leave early to do school pick ups. Yesterday I went to drinks at lunch with some friends and a quick drink after work with friends before heading home for 7:30. LOL it sounds like I do nothing but drink. It is definitely Christmas season. The gym has pretty much gone out the window but planning a dryish January so will hit it hard again then.
I am finding life much easier. I smile and laugh a lot and even go for long periods without thinking about my sitch. The not sleeping has come back but it is less about him and more about me. I am coming to terms with feeling "no longer married" and am strangely feeling attracted to people again. I am happy and am starting to flex the 'charm' muscles again. This is generic charm aimed at pretty much everyone I interact with, and not targeted charm relating to possible future R. I want to be a better person, one who engages with others and is not totally wrapped up in her sitch. I am making a conscious effort to be nicer (smiling, engaging people in conversation and showing gratitude for things they do for me) and people are responding to this in a positive way.
I have come to the realization (I know it took a while) that, although sometimes when I am with my H that we feel like we were never apart, that his temper outbursts, passive aggressive remarks and general grumpiness is unhealthy for me. He still has the power to set the temperature in the room and I still let him. I do not know what to do about this. The children like us being together as a family. We both like going to watch them play. If I withdraw even more (I have been withdrawing), he will see it is validation of his belief that I am 'emotionally detached' from my children and only give him more cause to be more resentful of me. I am playing it by ear, but the balancing act is a difficult one to maintain.
He still sends me texts and emails with [censored] emoji's. Got two today - one forwarding a note from D9's teacher telling all parents that they kids must do their homework even if they have after school activities ("Do you think D9 is one of the culprits {questioning face}", and the other about Christmas presents. Still [censored]ing hate emojis. I don't know if he wants to start a conversation, or if he is temp checking, or if he is just plain delusional. I want to say to him "we are not friends, you don't treat me like we're friends - stop sending me unnecessary emails and [censored] emojis !!!".
Instead, I responded to the one about D9s homework ("probably") and ignored the other one.
