My Story Pt 2

[Manta]

I'm hoping that natural consequences will start happening soon for my WW and her AP.

I'm keeping strong, GAL and doing 180s. I'm not sure what else i can do. :*(

[ovrrnbw]

So if you haven't been in contact, it sounds like you're still using the LRT. I don't know why you would stop at this point.

[Manta]

I haven't. I guess I'm doing the right thing, but its so hard to know with such little contact.

Is there anything else i can/should do?

Christmas is on the way, part of me wonders will she reach out.

[FFHubby]

That's tough, Manta. Your story is simliar to mine in some respects. I employed the LRT months ago, and only heard from my wife once or twice and it had to do with her asking for divorce. I said I wouldn't stand in the way, and if she wanted out, it was on her. She served me a couple of weeks ago, and I am just waiting on the revised dissolution paperwork, then I will sign.

I have no proof of an affair wth my wife, and I really don't think she had one prior to BD (picked up by her parents the same day of BD, though it was through a letter and not face to face), but I'm sure she is involved with someone at the moment as she can't stand being alone.

The only thing you can do is keep working on yourself. I so wanted to have a different answer than this when people weighed in on my situation, but that's really all you can do. Christmas will be tough for you, but try to focus on yourself and your family. Don't reach out to your W. Even if months go by. She has to want to change and work on herself to restore the marriage. Honestly, we are in similar boats as our wives are so far away from us, physically speaking. It's been a blessing for me, as I don't have to see her or speak to her, which allows me to not focus on the R, even though it's ending soon.

I too am currently living with my parents (I'm 33). It's been a blessing, but now my M is coming to an end, I have some decisions to make regarding staying in the current city I moved to for my W, or moving cities to be closer to my work office (I work remote). Honestly I am kind of excited for a fresh start, and will think about purchasing a home to make my own as I am ready to move out of my parents place since there is about to be an end to this traumatic M with my W.

All the best to you,

FF

[Manta]

That's tough, Manta. Your story is simliar to mine in some respects. I employed the LRT months ago, and only heard from my wife once or twice and it had to do with her asking for divorce. I said I wouldn't stand in the way, and if she wanted out, it was on her. She served me a couple of weeks ago, and I am just waiting on the revised dissolution paperwork, then I will sign.

I have no proof of an affair wth my wife, and I really don't think she had one prior to BD (picked up by her parents the same day of BD, though it was through a letter and not face to face), but I'm sure she is involved with someone at the moment as she can't stand being alone.

The only thing you can do is keep working on yourself. I so wanted to have a different answer than this when people weighed in on my situation, but that's really all you can do. Christmas will be tough for you, but try to focus on yourself and your family. Don't reach out to your W. Even if months go by. She has to want to change and work on herself to restore the marriage. Honestly, we are in similar boats as our wives are so far away from us, physically speaking. It's been a blessing for me, as I don't have to see her or speak to her, which allows me to not focus on the R, even though it's ending soon.

I too am currently living with my parents (I'm 33). It's been a blessing, but now my M is coming to an end, I have some decisions to make regarding staying in the current city I moved to for my W, or moving cities to be closer to my work office (I work remote). Honestly I am kind of excited for a fresh start, and will think about purchasing a home to make my own as I am ready to move out of my parents place since there is about to be an end to this traumatic M with my W.

All the best to you,

FF

Thank you for your feedback FF. Sounds like you're going through a tough time also.

I hate "My Story". It's a miserable journey, with no remorse or anything. Other stories have some hope of R, or at least the WW is "trying".

Mine is just gone, cold and doesn't care about me or how deeply hurt i am. She has no idea the damage she's caused and is head first in love with her AP.

It's hard to take some of the advice, but I'm trusting you guys, from experience and what does and doesn't work. It seems nothing is working right now. Maybe patience and time will change things, but i feel so powerless. You only see what i type, but I'm a good man. I loved my wife, now I'm on the dump heap, with very little understanding of what was wrong.

[NicoleR]

Hi Manta,

Your 'Dday' was recent even though there'd been some smaller problems between you and your wife earlier on. I see you've received advice to move on and hopefully you will but I'd like to share a few things that could happen based on my experience. Three years ago my husband packed his stuff up and moved out with about a week's notice. He said he felt no chemistry with me anymore and he said he was going to stay with his brother. It turns out he'd been having an affair for several months already and he rented his own place. He pretty much forgot our daughter and I existed. It seemed he was gone forever. Then one night a few months later he came home. He said he was severely depressed and begged to come back. He never admitted to his affair but I found the evidence through an iPad he gave our daughter. I took him back and he promised to fix our marriage after he did x, y, and z with his career. I was so happy that he came back that I didn't offer any conditions nor did I make it difficult. Things were better for a while but then the resentment over the affair and my husband's lack of willingness to discuss it and figure out how to fix what went wrong made things worse again. Fifteen months ago my husband moved out again and hasn't come back.

I share those details because your wife's affair could abruptly end for various reasons and suddenly she'll try to come back. You could take her back but it seems people like your wife and my husband have difficult with resisting temptation. It seems they're vulnerable to affairs and cheating due to some personality flaw / weakness and also as an escape from their problems. Maybe I'm totally wrong but it seems the thrill of falling deeply in love and being swept off their feet causes them to forget all about their boring marriages. There's too much excitement going on. I guess you could compare it to when you first met your wife and fell in love with her - might you admit your focus went towards her and your old friends took a back seat for a while? Your wife's affair won't be that great forever, especially if they find a way to move in together. Then when reality sets in and problems start happening the affair might end. No one really likes to be alone, so if the affair ends your wife might start to remember you again. Perhaps she'll start to realize how good she had it with you and she'll start to call and contact you again.

The problem with waiting for your wife to 'wake-up' and come home is that even if she comes back she might repeat the same cycle again with some other guy. At first she might enjoy the comfort and familiarity of being with you again but then some other temptation might arise. Trying to reconcile is really hard. If you're still young and have no kids it'd be fairly easy for you to meet a new woman (although there are risks even with a new woman). You have to imagine the short-term happiness you'd feel if your wife comes back vs. the long-term risks. If your wife comes back and seems sincerely ready to settle down and change then perhaps that'd be a different story and you two could reconcile.

When you're in so much pain all you really want to know is that your wife might come back. I'd say she really might try to come back even with the way she's acting now but it'll be hard for you to get over all the destruction and devastation. I think it's important even when we're abandoned and feel hopeless to imagine your spouse coming back and what you'll do if that happens. This might help to prevent you from letting her coming back too easily. If you're prepared then you'll know you need to set conditions, take it slowly, start over again, etc..

You really are a good man. You have a right to feel the way you do. What went wrong is just that your wife fell in love with someone else and she's too immature to honor her marriage vows and stay faithful. An opportunity arose for your wife that made her feel great after she'd probably been feeling depressed, bored, and disconnected following the miscarriages. I'm not sure what you could have done to prevent this. There may have been nothing you could do differently because you sound perfect. There are many books and resources out there on affairs. Perhaps you can read some of them and you'll better understand infidelity which will help you to cope better during this difficult time. It's true that your wife doesn't realize the damage she created. There are surely many people who care about you though and see the damage and want to support you. This is a painful devastating experience but there's always a chance your wife will try to return. I believe the MWD book says most affairs end within six months to two years. It's hard to imagine it right now but someday you and your wife may talk and reflect on what happened.

I guess what the DB book is trying to teach is that you work on GAL, 180's, etc.. to feel better about yourself and to re-gain confidence which will make you even more attractive to your spouse and may increase the chance they'll come back.

[Manta]

Thank you so much Nicole. I really appreciate your feedback and kind words. I hope you're doing ok and your daughter too. You sound like a wonderful woman, i don't know what he is thinking! His loss.

Last week was exhausting emotionally for me. I guess seeing her and the AP, together in a pic, just confirmed what I was trying to avoid mentally.

Now it's there, I can't undo it.

This is by no means the end of the story and I'm sure there is many more twist's and turns to follow. I'm GAL, doing the 180's etc and I have been very disciplined in NC. She hasn't messaged me in over 2 months now, as she's devoted to her AP, who lives in another country.

I'm slowly feeling better, some weeks I'm strong, others reflecting and dealing with the hurt. But I have come a long way since August.

I understand if she ever comes back all the obstacles and challenges in trying to make it work again. I could very well by then be after moving on myself and meet someone new and wonderful. I guess I will cross that bridge if it ever comes my way,

Right now Christmas is around the corner. I know it will be tough, but ill do my best to enjoy it.

[Manta]

No update, just journaling my thoughts and feelings.

Sill GAL, NC and heard nothing from WW. The last contact was mid-October.

I guess today, I just wanted to put down where I am and thoughts on a few things.

One thing that has really been creeping into my mind recently my WW and AP having sex. I have been fighting this in my mind, almost , however it's not stopping. I'm beginning to have images of them, doing all sorts of crazy stuff. It's horrible, however, that recent picture of them together I saw, set me back and it's seared in my mind. I remember all the fun things we did together sexually at the start of our relationship, so I have no doubt they have done this and probably much much worse. I have dreams and images of them having sex, where she is wearing her wedding dress as a sick fantasy, both laughing at me. I can't even imagine the lies she told him about me.

My libido since August is dead. I have lost a lot of weight.

Masturbation as a form of some release is not enjoyable for me. It's actually horrible, as I just think of my WW during it. I haven't kissed or slept with anyone since my WW last August. I have barely got a few hugs. In my heart, I still love my W. It's so hard for me to think of any other woman, even if I kissed someone, I would consider it cheating...how messed up is that!? I'm a sexual person, I always loved Sex and having fun, trying new things. Somewhere along the line, my W didn't want to try new things. She became focused on trying for Children, where the act of conceiving was more important than the act of making love. I understand it's important, but you need to enjoy the moment's when trying for children. I'm scared now she will get pregnant my AP, which would add extra humiliation on.

I really miss intimacy as recently I have developed a twitch, where my hands start shaking...This has been happening for a few weeks now.

I want this pain to end and the suffering has been torture for me. I know I'm getting there slowly, 1 step at a time... But I see no light at the moment. No glimmer of hope... No remorse from my WW, no R to even dream of.

Maybe she will come back one day, maybe not. I know i have to look after myself first and foremost.

I'm deeply hurt and humiliated. I wish I was stronger.

[SoTorn]

Manta, I hear you. My WW has not shown any remorse. My WW thinks that because she tried to kick me to the curb by moving upstairs that she wasnt cheating. WW knows I would R with her but she would need to make huge changes and a huge effort. She isnt willing to do that.

I continue to remain detached, GAL, 180. NC as much as possible. WW keeps looking for any little thing that I am doing to tell me that its me that doesnt want to fix this. I am ready for the hurt to end. I want the hurt to end. My M is over. I accept that. I am on IHS with my WW. Its very hard but I will get over it. I know that one day in the future this will all be over. Most likely we will D. I will be fine no matter what. I will be the best father to my kids no matter what.

WW may or may not eventually see how she destroyed our family. I don't have any expectations either way.

[Manta]

Sorry to hear that SoTorn, especially with kids involved. I'm lucky in that regards. My wife is gone from the apartment since August. I kicked her out after DDay, as she didn't come home straight away when i found out. Shes still having her A with this guy. Both cheating scumbags.

I hope you will get through this. Stay strong mate. Value yourself and understand this is HER issue, not yours.