A familiar story with questions EIGHT

[sandi2]

Sandi, what you have described is exactly what has gone on. Little to no kisses. If I tried deep tongue kisses she pulled back. So you have hit the proverbial nail on the head.
I thought it was just getting older and perhaps cigars. I took special measures to make sure it wasn't cigars. She said she couldn't smell cigars.

As people get older, it definitely takes more effort in keeping a fresh breath. And I'll tell you something I find interesting, it seems to be difficult for some women to tell their man he has bad breath, or whatever it is about his mouth that isn't very sexy at the moment. Going to the dentist regularly, and brushing your teeth (and scraping your tongue) goes without saying. I've heard that having certain stomach issues, gum disease, dry mouth, etc. can give us bad breath. All you can do is try to make sure you've covered all the bases.

But yes. Sex was something she would dole out like some sort of allowance and I resented it. I was always perplexed because once we got started she always seemed to enjoy the experience. Multi-orgasmic every time. I made sure of it. But there was always a hint of psychological removal. Like she wasn't emotionally involved.

I believe there is a difference in making love and just having sex. For a woman to make love, I think she has to feel emotionally connected/attached to the man. Maybe the man does, too. I can't speak for him. I think men learn early on that they need to "humor" the woman, so to speak. Get her in a good mood, to prepare her for sex. If it's making love.....great, and if it's just sex......great (in the man's opinion?)

Most women know that the man needs sex ever so often, just to be able to live peacefully with him. In other words, even if she isn't interested in it, she'll dole out the sex, "for his sake" or so he will stop pressuring her. Since women do not have to physically perform like is required from the man, she can just lay there and let him do the work, or she can participate if she thinks it will speed things along. (Sorry guys, I know this is harsh.)

I thought it was a hang-up about sex. I read about and watched many videos about the messages little girls get yadda yadda yadda.

It very well could be a hang-up. If she was fed a lot of negative things about sex when she was growing up, or just negative things in how men look at women and sex......it is very difficult to overcome. My mother would talk to me about how boys don't respect girls who will have sex with them, yada, yada. If the girl gets pregnant, more yada, yada. Girls older than me would talk about how boys would "test" girls to see how far the girl would go, and to see if she was a "good girl" or "bad". I was told that men did not want to marry girls who had slept around. In other words, I was given the old double standard. I don't think it is as prevalent today as it was before the sexual revolution. That's not to say people don't get hang-ups.

When I got married (very young), suddenly I was suppose to erase all those old tapes in my brain and be sexually uninhibited? Actually, I did pretty well, considering. But we got pregnant right off the bat and was living with his mom and that started causing other problems that affected my level of respect for him. After the baby was born, I had postpartum depression, and my sex drive took a dive.

Hormones play a big part in women....and men. One of the best things I did after my MR reconciled, was go to a hormone balancing specialist. The doctor told me that my sex hormones had flatlined. Anyway, if you can bring your W to multiple orgasms, then I doubt her sex hormones are below normal. That doesn't take care of the mental part, however. If she has a fear of intimacy or whatever, she may have to seek sex therapy.

One day back in the Spring this year she was reluctantly about to participate and I told her that I didn't want her to do it is she didn't want to. I had thought that the sexual attraction stage and the physical stage were just mixed up as I have read, happens in many women. Well, she said, "I don't want to." I said Okay and in an understanding way I accepted it.
That was like 6 months ago and I have tried to initiate it 2 or three times since. Things seemed to be progressing and it seemed she was waiting for me. I was wrong.

I remember one time my H said that he had made up his mind that if we ever had sex again, it would be b/c I initiated it. It was always difficult for me to initiate, and part of it goes back to those old tapes being replayed in my head. It felt so weird for me, and I wanted to be romanced and seduced. We might goes for weeks or months waiting on each other, and when there was no sex.......all forms of physical affection would seem to die out, too. Then out of the blue, he would walk up behind me while I had my hands in the dishwater, and he would grab my breasts or put his hand down my pants. I absolutely hated it. I have talked with other women who feel the same way, so it's not just me. I tried to tell him it didn't turn me on, and it was like he didn't hear me. Then I finally told him I hated it, and he got mad and sulked. The thing is that the longer a woman goes without any type of physical affection, and the longer she goes without making love...…..the harder it is for her to respond favorably to a sudden gross sexual contact. It seems aggressive. She needs the H to keep the touches/contact on a more day to day even keel. Do some kind of affectionate touching every day. It doesn't have to be sexual, but no touching whatsoever just leads her to being colder, IMHO. They both build up some resentment. I realize everyone is not the same, but from my experience and the women I have heard talk about these issues, are on the same page with what I'm telling you.

Don't go for a couple of months with out ever touching her at all, and then suddenly catch her with her back turned and start grabbing and squeezing. Does that make sense? If we had just had a night of hot sex, maybe I would not have seen it in quite in the same light. However, I never really understood what kind of response H's expect when the W is up to her elbows in dishwater, or preparing food, or whatever, and he walks up behind her and starts humping or grabbling. Is she suppose to throw her head back, start moaning, fall down on the floor and beg for it, what? Understand my point here. Before this type of action is displayed from the H, there needs to be a more consistent or regular type of physical interaction where he is lovingly touching her. Even then, I don't know if she would welcome this particular act, just saying it isn't my cup of tea. To go for an extended period of time where there has been no flirting, no playing, no non-sexual touching, no affectional touching, and no sexual touching......this type of approach is too aggressive. I'm just using this one as an example.

One time I took issue with the way she insensitively handled the rejection and after bringing my story here I get reminded that I screwed up and need to detach etc. I wasn't so much that I was attached to the outcome. I had lowered my defenses to be as genuine as possible and she, in a no regard for my feelings way, didn't handle well. Everything thing else in the R at the time said she was concerned with my feelings. I hope I have explained this well enough.

I understand, b/c I was much the same way when I wasn't wanting physical intimacy with my H. Some of it was ignorance on my part, b/c I didn't really grasp how badly it hurt him to be rejected sexually. And, part of it was my own emotional needs were not being met by my H. I needed emotional intimacy, in order to desire physical intimacy. It's a long story, but my H never understood what I meant by emotional intimacy. I needed that pillow talk time when a couple goes to bed. I needed him to give me words of affirmation. I needed the playful teasing and kisses. I needed to feel emotionally connected to him. When I felt emotionally connected, the desire to be physically intimate just naturally came. He would not go to bed when I went. He wanted to sit up late watching tv. Usually, he fell asleep on the couch. If he went to bed when I did......I knew why he was showing up. He went right into initiating sex. He wasn't rushing it, but I knew why he had come to bed with me. It made me feel like I was just being used to satisfy his needs, and then he would get back up and watch more tv. So, I had no pre or post sex emotional connecting. I also got tired of being blamed for the lack of sex, although it was partly true. I felt that my H saw having more sex as fixing our M problems. That was his answer whenever I tried to approach him about different issues. So, I became very resentful. It becomes like a cold war.

I can do these things and have been to an extent.

Yeah......I figured you were.