Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage pt2

[BluWave]

Sandi,

I feel like I might have overlooked something here. Can you point out what you see that makes ST have NGS? You mentioned he should read the book. Perhaps I have misjudged him, but I see him as the opposite of this and even think at times his boundaries with W are too firm, he comes across as controlling, and misses opportunities to listen and validate. Maybe I don't fully understand the NG concept like I thought I did. I may need to revisit the book myself!

I just went back and started reading ovrrnbw's threads and his writings scream NG to me. I'm only on thread two and he is starting to get it, but he has had poor boundaries and allowed his WW to have long conversations with him, cry to him, demand hugs and sympathy, and literally push him out of bed, etc. I haven't finshed reading his stuff, but I hope he read the book! (Ovr, if you haven't, order it today!)

Perhaps we have been too harsh on ST, but I do not see the proper steps to detachment and I see his explanations of his DBing as more trying to control her than to genuinely detach for himself. He seems to write about how he is DBing (perhaps looking for validation from readers) verses looking for ways to improve his interactions. It's still puzzling to me that several of us are bringing this up and he glosses over it.

ST, I'm still unclear what you hope to gain by posting here? Can you be more specific maybe?

Blu

[sandi2]

Thanks Neffer. I left a post on your thread.


(Sorry for the hi-jack)

[sandi2]

Sandi,

I feel like I might have overlooked something here. Can you point out what you see that makes ST have NGS? You mentioned he should read the book.

I believe the post where I suggested he move the NMMNG to the top of his list, was a response to a list where he planned to reread some things. He had NMMNG at the bottom of that list and did not indicate that he had previously read it. So, I thought he should read it first, before he started rereading something the second or third time around.

I suppose there may some nice-guys that can't see themselves when reading that book, IDK. From the responses I remember the most, if they have any traits listed in the NGS, they see it plainly when reading the book. So, when he reads NMMNG, maybe he can determine if any of it rings a bell.

[SoTorn]

I havent posted for a little while.

Summary of my stitch.

H(me) 38
W 38
D16
D19
S11

Married 16 years, together 21 years. BD on November 1, 2018. EA since March 2018, PA since August 2018. So far I am doing very well on detaching, GAL and 180. I am still living in MBR. WW is living upstairs in D19's old room. WW has traveled twice since BD, which is a huge trigger to me.

I left WW alone when she traveled, however she called me about the kids. When WW got back from out of town last week she was in full paranoid mode. WW thinks I am having her followed, thinks I am building a case against her, thinks I am recording her in the house, thinks I am recording her moms phone and bugging her moms house, thinks that I am videoing every corner of the house. WW told me these things, but we did not argue. I just validated with minimal words.

WW digs through my room when I am not home looking for "leverage". I don't know what WW thinks she will find but there is nothing to find.

I was having a major issue with being baited into arguments. Over the last two weeks I have completely stopped doing that. I have detached hard. I am absolutely focusing on myself. I hit my goal weight of 185lbs. I am down from 264lbs in April 2018.

Initially, besides WW trying to draw a negative reaction from me, she was completely detached. WW would hide in her room and I would never see her. WW stopped cooking, cleaning etc ever since September 24th when she moved upstairs.

Over the last 1.5 weeks WW started cooking dinner again. WW sits next to me at the dinner table. WW has been downstairs more.

I have been making a huge effort to be gone when WW is home. I went out of town this last weekend with S11. We had a great time. I feel a lot better focusing on myself and my children. I have been going out with friends on the weekends, taking the kids to dinner/movies during the week and going to the gym as much as I can after work.

I am at minimal contact with WW. WW cannot have any sort of discussion with me without immediately telling me she blames me and doesn't trust me. Therefore, I avoid contact unless necessary. Over the last 1.5 weeks we haven't had any of the usual baited arguments because I don't respond if she approaches me angry or upset. I just tell her that I cannot speak with her when she is angry/upset.

I keep it short and only talk about the kids or keep my contact toward WW to simple "Thank yous" for cooking or anything she does for me or the kids.

Over the last few days WW has started telling me that I look nice in the mornings before work and randomly asking me how work is. WW started asking me where I am going etc. Previously WW didn't care or say a word if I was leaving.

I have been sleeping very well. Initially when WW moved I still slept on my side of our King bed in the MBR. I have since taken over the middle of the bed. Much more comfortable.

So overall, everything is quiet at my house, even when I am there with WW. Nothing has changed beyond WW starting to ask me simple questions about work or telling me that I look nice and her being around me a little more.

[neffer]

Just be aware where the ball is. Keep working on yourself, keep detaching. Your W has not shown any kind of withdraw from her ww state. Has she?

Keep DB. Believe nothing that they say and half of what they do still remains in place. No expectations.

GAL and be there for the kids

[SteveLW]

I'd at least link to your old thread so that we can go back and read it for context.

FY His threads have been merged.

[SoTorn]

Just be aware where the ball is. Keep working on yourself, keep detaching. Your W has not shown any kind of withdraw from her ww state. Has she?

Keep DB. Believe nothing that they say and half of what they do still remains in place. No expectations.

GAL and be there for the kids

I will try and find my thread. Its far back now.

Honestly my WW seems very sad. I believe she is still talking to OM. I am no longer demanding answers or anything because she wouldn't come clean beyond admitting the A overall. WW kept saying "our marriage isnt over because of OM" "I have no future with OM" "this isnt about OM".

If I tried to bring it up at all she would just get extremely pissed off and upset and start blaming me. Therefore I stopped. I got my own bank account, I pay half the bills in our name and my car. I took her mom off of my mobile account. I am just focusing on myself and my kids. I havent really been paying attention to what WW does. WW mopes around the house. WW has times where she is acting happy when she is around the kids. WW can't look me in the eye.

There was a couple of days where she was acting what I call "funny" around me. When I was around she was uncoordinated, kept dropping stuff, babbling, thinking I was talking to her when I wasnt, kept reaching for the door knob on the wrong side of the door etc. I actually poked fun at her about it and she smiled a real smile. I just left it alone though.

I am hopeful that one day we can R, but I honestly don't believe it will happen. WW keeps saying she wants D. I told her to set up mediation and she has not yet. I am giving myself a few months before I do it myself. WW is definitely acting different than she was when she started PA. When WW started PA she was super happy, playing love songs on the stereo, etc. I crashed that party when I found out. I feel she is still hopeful that she can see OM. WW travels a lot for work and that is where she got involved with OM. WW keeps traveling. WW claims she isnt seeing him when she travels but of course I don't believe it.

I am really excited and proud that I am down to my goal weight. I am planning on completing my physical transformation by hiring a fitness trainer who is also a friend. My buddy used to work with me and he left to be a trainer so he is going to help me get really fit and in shape. This is the best I have felt and looked in 20 years.

[job]

I have merged your two threads together because you had not reached 100 postings/replies on the other one. Please stick to one thread until you reach the 100 posting/reply limit. Also, you can change your title within the thread at any time.

[SoTorn]

I have merged your two threads together because you had not reached 100 postings/replies on the other one. Please stick to one thread until you reach the 100 posting/reply limit. Also, you can change your title within the thread at any time.

Thank you Job!

[SoTorn]

Sandi,

I feel like I might have overlooked something here. Can you point out what you see that makes ST have NGS? You mentioned he should read the book. Perhaps I have misjudged him, but I see him as the opposite of this and even think at times his boundaries with W are too firm, he comes across as controlling, and misses opportunities to listen and validate. Maybe I don't fully understand the NG concept like I thought I did. I may need to revisit the book myself!

I just went back and started reading ovrrnbw's threads and his writings scream NG to me. I'm only on thread two and he is starting to get it, but he has had poor boundaries and allowed his WW to have long conversations with him, cry to him, demand hugs and sympathy, and literally push him out of bed, etc. I haven't finshed reading his stuff, but I hope he read the book! (Ovr, if you haven't, order it today!)

Perhaps we have been too harsh on ST, but I do not see the proper steps to detachment and I see his explanations of his DBing as more trying to control her than to genuinely detach for himself. He seems to write about how he is DBing (perhaps looking for validation from readers) verses looking for ways to improve his interactions. It's still puzzling to me that several of us are bringing this up and he glosses over it.

ST, I'm still unclear what you hope to gain by posting here? Can you be more specific maybe?

Blu

I just want to clarify that I was not trying to control her. I was very confused on boundaries honestly. I had to take a step back and realize that boundaries are for me. Not for her. I can't control her.

I have taken the stance that I will not allow myself to be emotionally abused. The only way I can do that with IHS is to completely detach myself, which I have done for the most part over the last couple of weeks.