Advice for newcomer pre- bomb drop.

[Bern19]

Well, back to square one in my sitch... Wife had been saying all the right things. At our last MC session, she had opened up about the affair. Answered some of my questions... Pretty much what I had expected. It'd been going on for about 3 years. Started as EA & has been physical the last 2. Since that's pretty much what I expected, It didn't wreck me like I thought it might. Biggest thing that I think about now is all the times she came in and asked me how she looked or which outfit to wear... it was more about looking good for the OM than wanting my opinion on how she looked. The other one that really bothers me was how she said that she didn't really agonize over the decision to bring him into our home for sex. It was just about convenience. Didn't even consider it an additional betrayal... smh.

So things were going pretty good, still having an issue with setting boundaries with male "friends". Got very defensive when I mentioned that I wasn't comfortable with her interacting "one on one" with other men. Either in person or via text, messages, snapchat, etc. Said not one of her friends is forbidden from talking to other men. The heightened level of her defense set off way to many alarms that something was amiss. So I asked her to see her phone... she was slightly agitated by the request, but handed it over. I checked her text messages- nothing. Facebook messenger- nothing. Snapchat- bingo. A different guy from work has the little heart next to his name. I've done enough research to know that means she sends more snaps to him than anyone else..AND he sends more snaps to her than anyone else. I told her that made me uncomfortable due to the fact that there is no trail of texts to read as they disappear after so many seconds. She feels that i'm being unreasonable. That's when I knew something was wrong...

So, in a panic that we are back to square one, I left one of my kids cell phones in her car that has a location app installed on it. I know, not a good DB move, but I had to know what I was dealing with. So, I can pull it up on my phone and see where she is in real time. The first day, I pull up the app when I know she is leaving work and see her drive into town and park on the far side of the local grocery store.... for 20+ mins. I know she wouldn't park out there and walk into shop, so I called her. It went to voicemail. She called me back about 10 mins later and said she was sorry, but was in talking to her boss about something and couldn't answer.... Lies... Lies.. Lies...

So to be certain I did it again the next day, and the same thing.. stopped off at a parking lot in town for about 15 mins. When I asked her about her day, she skipped right past that.

Now, I don't know who she is meeting with, but obviously she is hiding it from me, so I'm imagining it's either this new guy that she's chatting with, or more likely it's the original OM.

My plan now is to hire a PI to find out who it is, just so I have the facts, then to confront her and tell her she's moving out. It's obvious that there is little chance to reconcile until she hits rock bottom. Maybe having her out of the house during Christmas season will do that. What do I do if she refuses to leave? Do I move out? The attorney I have spoken with told me that, ideally, I should stay in the home. I'm not willing to get involved with an in-home separation.

At this point, I'm going to have to take my DB to the next level. I've been doing better with GAL, and will have to double down on the detachment phase. I'll admit I've let that slide since it appeared we were moving forward. It's just crazy that she can lie to me, her mom, her friends and her therapist with no reservations. I now clearly see what Sandi, Steve, and countless others said about being too eager to start the recovery process.

She has sworn on everything she holds dear that she was done lying to me. Obviously the girl I knew and loved is gone. There is no reason for me to hold on to that fantasy any longer. If someday she decides that she made the wrong choice and wants to talk, I'll listen to her. But I am no longer encouraged about saving my marriage. Going to re-read the DR book and add a few things to my GAL.