Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 5

[Davide]

So that was rough.

My W came over to talk finances. The financial aspect of it was fine. She agreed to split up our remaining bills. She also preferred to attempt to work things out ourselves without a lawyer or mediator, at least to start with. She also thought that a 50/50 split was not fair to me given how much I supported her. She thought that going through our bank statements to try to figure out a fair split was the best way to do it. That seems like it could be a ton of work to me, but I agreed to look into it. In terms of the house, I told her that I want to stay in it for the time being and so I want to reach an agreement that allows me to do so. She was fine with that as well. I suggested getting an appraisal on the house once we are ready to split everything up so that we have a number to base the split on. Again, she agreed. So, much as I anticipated there were very few complications regarding the money situation.

However, she really seemed to want to have an R talk. She was crying much of the hour that we spent talking. She asked me why I wanted to do this now, and I told her truthfully that I wanted to move on, that I had spent a lot of time waiting around for her but I wanted to get on with my life. She told me that she didn't want to lose me from her life and I told her (probably unwisely) that she already had. I was calm and collected throughout the conversation, and tried to be as warm as possible while still being brief. Most of the time I listened to her, validated, and answered her questions.

She asked me if I hated her, and I told her no, that I always loved her. She also told me that when she thought about "this" (the sitch) the money was not the first thing she thought about, but that I was. She asked me what I felt when I thought about her and when I told her sadness and a bit of resentment she asked why I felt resentment. I told her that it was probably because she wasn't the kind of person I had thought she was, the kind of person who walks away. For whatever reason, that expression in particular "walks away" seemed to strike her, as if she hadn't thought of it that way before. She was also very emotional and upset asking what my parents and my brother thought about her. She told me that she is always imagining / catastrophizing about what they think about her. It's interesting to me that she still seems to need external validation so much.

I think the hardest thing for me to hear was when she told me that she thought that she always loved me, even when she left, but that she was just so tired of dealing with "it" (our unhealthy relationship.) I feel like she has been relatively consistent throughout this whole process - not insane, not hostile, not rewriting history. She has clearly been guilt-ridden, and conflicted, and emotionally all over the place, but with a determined attitude to be free. At one point she mentioned off-hand that she guessed that this was the price of her freedom. Is it really possible that she is only now realizing that? I told her at one point that we have to take ownership/responsibility for our decisions, specifically mentioning that I meant that for myself as much as her, as I take ownership for a lot of the problems that I laid at her feet during the R.

All in all, I think I handled it as well as I could, though it was definitely not textbook DB. It raised up a lot of old feelings, but not in a way that overwhelmed me. It seems clear to me that she is still in the same position that she was 6 months ago, whether that is the WAW "fog" or whatever you want to call it. I am very much not in the same spot. If she were to reach out and tell me that she actively wanted to work on the R to see if it could be repaired, I would probably be open to it. But she isn't there, nor has she made any movement towards that. So, I think my best and only option is to keep getting on with my own life. A few months ago a conversation like this would have left me devastated, in pieces emotionally and questioning everything. Right now, it stings but in a manageable way. She isn't capable of or willing to actively choose to love me, and I want to focus my attention and love on people who are.