A familiar story with questions EIGHT

[RR17]

Sandi, I'm starting to feel understood.

I am thinking that her biggest issue, currently, is physical intimacy. Did I understand you to say that there had been a SSM in the past? Was this before your job problems or afterwards? Did your W always participate as though she really enjoyed sex? Be honest. Would she do a lot of kissing mouth to mouth? See, when a woman has sex with a man she is not feeling much attraction for, it's not unusual for her to try to avoid the passionate tongue kissing. She'll engage with the intercourse, but she doesn't want to have the deep kisses. But if she is wildly attracted to the man, she'll want a lot of passionate kisses. Some men don't know that, and they think b/c she's had intercourse or oral sex that everything is good with her. Ah, but he better check out those kisses.

SSM, lol. Several posts ago I read this and thought Same Sex Marriage. I was like"What?".
I'm going to be as honest here as possible. We had a lot of sex in the beginning. After a while, my appetite was not fulfilled. Twice a week, three weeks a month. In retrospect, it may have been the quality and not quantity.
Sandi, what you have described is exactly what has gone on. Little to no kisses. If I tried deep tongue kisses she pulled back. So you have hit the proverbial nail on the head.
I thought it was just getting older and perhaps cigars. I took special measures to make sure it wasn't cigars. She said she couldn't smell cigars. But yes. Sex was something she would dole out like some sort of allowance and I resented it. I was always perplexed because once we got started she always seemed to enjoy the experience. Multi-orgasmic every time. I made sure of it. But there was always a hint of psychological removal. Like she wasn't emotionally involved. I thought it was a hang-up about sex. I read about and watched many videos about the messages little girls get yadda yadda yadda.
One day back in the Spring this year she was reluctantly about to participate and I told her that I didn't want her to do it is she didn't want to. I had thought that the sexual attraction stage and the physical stage were just mixed up as I have read, happens in many women. Well, she said, "I don't want to." I said Okay and in an understanding way I accepted it.
That was like 6 months ago and I have tried to initiate it 2 or three times since. Things seemed to be progressing and it seemed she was waiting for me. I was wrong.
One time I took issue with the way she insensitively handled the rejection and after bringing my story here I get reminded that I screwed up and need to detach etc. I wasn't so much that I was attached to the outcome. I had lowered my defenses to be as genuine as possible and she, in a no regard for my feelings way, didn't handle well. Everything thing else in the R at the time said she was concerned with my feelings. I hope I have explained this well enough.

Anyway, you need to remain in the MBR. Don't pressure her to sleep with you. Don't drop hints or make jokes about sex or anything of that nature, okay? I may be wrong, but I'm wondering if her hold up from moving back in the MBR is due to not wanting to engage in physical intimacy. If that's the case, then you can work to draw attraction without engaging in the sexual act. We can talk more about that later.

I think you are correct.

I don't want you to come on too strong all at once, b/c it will cause her to pull away. So stay balanced with what I'm going to suggest. I think you are already participating in family activities. I think you said you flirt with her? Okay, just don't make it about sex. In other words, flirt as if you had just met her and want to get to know her better. You would compliment her about her pretty eyes, or hair, or what she is wearing. Don't sound like a husband, "You look really nice". Be specific. Also, you can complement her about anything she does well, like cooking your favorite dish, or keeping the house clean, or whatever. Just don't pour it on all at once. Spread it out. The secret is not to overkill, b/c if you do, it's going to have the opposite effect of what you want.

This is kind of what I've been doing recently. I'm glad to hear you say it and too little is better than too much.

You need to be charming, fun, mysterious, interesting, positive, etc. This is what she needs to be seeing her H. Not some man who is negative, dull, in a bad mood, etc. Leave her wanting more. Just don't hint that any of it is to get her in your bed. Since she is not wanting to have sex with you, then the more you make suggestive sexual innuendos, the more turned off she's going to feel. Just so you understand, if she should surprise you and show up in your bed, don't go for the cookie right away. Play it by ear, and take it slow. If she just wants to get it over with, then she'll probably want you to go straight for the cookie. (Confused?)

I get it.

You need to be charming, fun, mysterious, interesting, positive, etc. This is what she needs to be seeing her H. Not some man who is negative, dull, in a bad mood, etc. Leave her wanting more. Just don't hint that any of it is to get her in your bed. Since she is not wanting to have sex with you, then the more you make suggestive sexual innuendos, the more turned off she's going to feel. Just so you understand, if she should surprise you and show up in your bed, don't go for the cookie right away. Play it by ear, and take it slow. If she just wants to get it over with, then she'll probably want you to go straight for the cookie. (Confused?)

Anyway, on with the plan of action. During the month of December, you can take advantage of holiday fun, events, traditions, family stuff, etc. You can even invite her along when you go out. If she doesn't want to, that's okay and don't show disappointment. I think as long as she doesn't feel pressured sexually, she'll be good with this change in you. During this month and up till New Years Eve, I want you to incorporate more physical touches, but they have to be non-sexual touches.

When the two of you are out in public, you can take her by the hand if you are trying to get through a crowd......but don't hold hands with her when you are just walking side by side, or sitting together, etc. Know the difference? When you go out into a restaurant to be seated, for example, put your hand on the small of her back to show you are guiding her (in a protective sort of way) to your seats. You can do this whenever the two of you start through doors, enter or exit an elevator, etc. You can touch her elbow, her shoulder, back, arms, and (sometimes) her waist ...….in non-sexual, non-creepy ways. Don't leave your hand there long, just make it a causal touch, like if you pass her in the hallway, or are standing by her, or whatever. I'm sure you remember a time when it felt natural. You want to get back to that point, without drawing attention to it, and without her feeling uncomfortable. This is nothing you need to discuss with her. If you do it correctly, and she still objects...….then let us know.

You can make plans together, talk about what to get everyone for Christmas, etc. Show her that you are interested, rather than just leaving it up to whatever she decides to pick out. Know what I mean? It's just an opportunity to show off your best side. Show her those improvements you've been making. Like I keep cautioning you, just don't smother her with your presence or pour too much on too suddenly. You want to allow it to build upward.

If she seems to respond positively, and is acting happier in the days leading up to Christmas, then I think you should buy her a gift. Right now, and until you can determine more as it gets closer to Christmas, I don't think you need to go overboard on a expensive gift, but get something that shows you've put some thought into it, and something she'd like.

I can write more later, but for now.....how do you feel about my suggestions? If this is off track, I think you'll know soon enough. Resist the urge to explain to her why you seem different or have changed. Some H's just can't contain themselves! Do not initiate talk about the relationship, the status of M, or your future together. If she initiates a positive discussion, then you can join into the conversation......as long as you don't appear to be explaining to her what you've been trying to accomplish, etc. I hope you know what I mean. I see this a lot in nice guy H's.

Remember, stay balanced about what I am suggesting. If I have totally blown your mind, tell me, and I'll step back.

No, this is perfect. I can do these things and have been to an extent. Some of this was suggested here by Steve. Especially as far as the non-sexual physical touches. Holidays are emotionally charged and the perfect opportunity to execute these behaviors. I have a plan and will work it until Jan. unless things change. I'm encouraged, excited and feel understood.
Thank you so much, Sandi!