13 years and 2 kids pt. 3.

[Hurt213]

Old thread: Old thread


So.. Yesterday was the epitome of bad DB behaviour no doubt. However, a new day has dawned on me, and I am ready to pick up, because I believe everything happens for a reason, also yesterdays events.

This morning, WW was approaching, and I acted content, relaxed, and validated and answered her questions regarding the kids, and there didn't seem to be anything in the "air" regarding last nights events. Im sure I did a lot of damage, but I can't undo yesterday, I can only work on today. She tried to trigger me again this morning, she suddenly showed me a picture, and it was her passport photo, she would only do that to remind me, that she is going traveling with OM. I just said, "are you satisfied?" she said she thought she looked funny, to which I replied "pictures don't lie", then she laughed.

So honest opinion from some of you awesome people: Did I completely and utterly screw any chances of ever R'ing? Just be brutal honest, its the only thing that is useful, I can take it .

And then: My approach from here, to summ up the best course of action for me going on from here? I slept on the whole thing, and I failed to mention yesterday (and that clearly was the trigger for my text, and why I engaged in a conversation) She informed me, that she would go and sleep at OMs place tonight, and she said that to me on my birthday. I know that was also a tempt-check, however that is why the avalanche exploded on me I think. I just felt so betrayed and hurt, its my birthday, and you mention him.....

Anyways back to best plan of action now since the situation most likely changed, I can see that you guys seem to think so, and you must know best, im a newbie, so I trust everything you put my way, and try to make good use of it (and fail as you see from time to time).

1. How do I act in the house, when she, her and I are home with the kids - Im talking about, do I sit down and make family activities with kids and WW, do I engage talk or just listen to her? Do i act content, cheerful or do I show her, that I am not interested?

2. If her and I are home alone, do I still retreat to the MBR and deny her any time with me? (if I don't have plans, or don't have the energy to go out).

3. I know I have some 180s to work on, and I know the 180s are for making me a better person, and that the change is not about WW, but a personal development journey for bettering me and thus making me feel better. I think I am good here, meaning I have some goals I am working on, and I know that I have some work to do.

4. GAL, Tomorrow I "hand over" (that sounds so wrong!) my kids to her for the next week, and even though it is an IHS, she still is in charge, and I can do whatever in the evenings. I am planning on doing a lot of out of the house activities, since I think after my failure yesterday, that she and I really need some time apart to digest / forget what happened.

5. Detach. I think of her as a nanny, a neighbor, a cashier, someone whom I want to smile at, but not someone im personally involved with. I am not yet there, clearly. However I know now, how she triggered me yesterday, and I think I was detaching in a good way prior to that meltdown, since she had begun texting me vividly, sending me that "im so sorry but its not entirely my fault bla bla bla mail" and the sudden interest in the family. It showed me, that she bad begun to question her plan as me being her plan B? Maybe im wrong about this. Anyways, I have some work to do before I get to there.

I don't know if I let something out ?

If you would please guide me back on the right path, I promise I will put in the work, I feel like, there is a shot at R, but it starts with us detaching, finding ourselves, I even think we need this house sold, she needs to experience the complete and utter failure of the relationship she bet on, and burned her family for. and then maybe one day, when that happens, she will reach out, but I won't be waiting for it, maybe im long gone by that time - I still stand by my earlier mention that, it would be really nice to have her around, but its not a necessity any longer. That didn't change in yesterdays events. Yesterday was more about me being triggered by her disrespect.

She knows, that family things ( new years eve, christmas and so on are off the table, and gifts are no longer exchanged between us, but we buy to each other from the kids for their sake), she knows I don't go into the MBR to hide, but to not be around her, as she forfeited the opportunity to do things with me. Now I need to become a mystery again after having folded my Royal Flush..... I need your help to do that.

Thank you all so much.

[ballast]

Hurt...you did not screw up your chances of ever R'ing. anything is possible in the future, BUT I would ask you in response this question: Given how blantantly and completely disrespectful your W is being towards you, WHY would you want HER back??? All of us get "for the children", but dude in the cold light of day LOOK at how she is behaving and how she is treating you! Surely you are a man worth FAR more than the immense amount of S99T your W is dumping on you non-stop! You need to place PRIORITY on your survival and being the best father that you can be for your children. I beg you to re-read what Neffer wrote to you yesterday in your prior thread.

we are all praying and pulling for YOU man! you need to clear the future R thoughts/chances from your head and focus on your immediate survival.

-B

[LH19]

I,

You asked for brutal honesty so I will give it to you.

You pretty much sealed your fate that you are getting divorced. I think she may have possibly started to rethink things until you had a major major set back yesterday. So sure there is a chance of recon but it went way down because of yesterday.

You keep asking the same questions over and over and you are given great advice to implement which you totally disregard and it ends up setting you way back. Then you come back the next day and apologize for screwing up and asking the same questions.

You need to do your homework, you still don't know Sandis rules, what detachment is and you are still trying to validate an extremely wayward women.

I am really concerned about you I. You have the most disrespectful W on the board and you come here and basically say "guys do you think she'll take me back someday".

I know this is hard I am not discounting that but you have to at least try to do the right things. If not for you, be strong for your kids and show them how a man responds to adversity.

I have not seen one guy here who has done the work not come out better on the other side.

[neffer]

Hurt, all answers of what you are asking are on first post from Cadet.

You need to save yourself first. You need to respect yourself. Then I wonder the same thing Ballast said: why do you want to stay in MR with the actual W. She is really really wayward.

DB is a process that takes time. You need to commit to that process and work on yourself. First of all, you need to detach. You have never even try it. Are you willing to commit to the basics of the process?

You can’t control W. Let her go and free yourself.

[Hurt213]

thank you all, for your honesty, that is what I asked for and that is what I received.

Today has been a great day. I somehow, and it might sound stupid to you, but I feel a sense of big relief, that I said these things. Allright, maybe I sealed my fate with the MR, but yes, do I want the MR? Not now, not in this state. So yes, I have been reacting to her, I am no longer going to do that. I will enforce the boundaries of leaving when she speaks of OM and tell her that I find it disrespecting, other than that, I will let her live her own life, make her own mistakes, and thats it. I want to detach, and I can only do that by putting M E first together with my kids.

So I thought it up on my way to the gym; yesterday was my old life, my new life began this morning with a new year (birthday and all), and I am going to make the absolute best of it for me and the kids.

I will journal on my efforts, and I will journal on my failures. I feel though, that I know what she triggered me with after having tempt-checked me hard, and I am ready to face the challenges now.

And B, you are right... I absolutely don't want her back in this state, I realized this more than anything this morning. I think this is what I needed in order to let go. I think I am holding on to the memory of us and the kids and happy ever after. I need to let go, and she needs to be the one that comes and "wins me", if that ever is in the cards, who knows. If not, so be it.

I feel relieved, onwards to the stars !

[neffer]

She has to feel the loss of her MR and her family. She is actually cake eating a lot. Looking at the state of her waywardness it would be a relief for you if she decides to leave the family home. That will help your DB effort too. She’s not willing to do that right? Why? Is she a plan B for OM?

[neffer]

Sometimes to put out a fire you’ll need to get a bigger fire...let the O2 consume.

[Manta]

Hang in there mate. You dont know how the winds will blow yet. Natural circumstances will change things soon enough for your WW

[Ginger1]

The approach you had before this was the best approach.

But seriously, you beat yourself up so hard and it was your W who had the bad behavior. Her behavior is actually disgusting and I see her as the only one who is blowing chances of reconciling! That wouldn't even be in my thoughts until she is extremely remorseful and shows an ounce of respect towards you. Her behavior is appalling. There is an affair, then there is rubbing it in your face, teasing you, keeping you on the hook...... sorry, but your sitch is probably the most blatant form if disrespect I've seen in the 10 years I have been on here.

You seem like a wonderful father and a stand up guy, Treat yourself as such.

[LH19]

Today has been a great day. I somehow, and it might sound stupid to you, but I feel a sense of big relief, that I said these things.

I am just curious what you mean be the statement above. Why is a major setback a sense of relief to you?

Allright, maybe I sealed my fate with the MR, but yes, do I want the MR? Not now, not in this state.

I think you are BSing yourself IH. You were just on here 7 hours ago worried about how you should be treating her in the house and asking the same questions you have asked several times. Start showing us you mean it with ACTIONS.

I need to let go, and she needs to be the one that comes and "wins me", if that ever is in the cards, who knows. If not, so be it.

This is gold baby! Now start to act like it.