I’m having a “down on myself” moment. For the sake of learning what makes a good H, could you please comment on the distinction between bullying vs. just being kind of a cranky boor? I see myself in some of those behaviors you described. Or is it only different because I am aware and willing to change?
I will give another example, this one happened Halloween last year (a few weeks after BD). Back then he use to spend most of the day out. He had been to the gym (4 hours) then picked the girls up. His mum was helping get the kids ready, I was in the living room with his step dad. I hear "FS what did you do with my gym bag" in a loud accusatory tone. I say "Nothing - I haven't touched it". I then get five sentences one after the other "You must have moved it", "you're the only one that would have moved it", "urgh, why can't you just leave things alone", "What have you done with it". When he'd finished, all I could say (in a defeatist tone) was "I haven't done anything with it". He then starts to run up the stairs and runs into our au pair and says in a friendly tone "[au pair], you haven't seen my gym bag have you". She says "Nah" and carries on walking down. He disappears for a while - turns out he had moved it to the bedroom. No apology, no recognition.
So, what makes that bullying vs cranky bastard
1. He accused rather than asked (notice he "accused" me and "asked" our au pair) 2. He wasn't really listening to my response 3. He kept going even though I had already responded (this was a big one - he wouldn't just say you've done something, he would go on and on and on) 4. He didn't apologize when he realized that he was mistaken 5. He wasn't afraid to do it in front of other people
On that same night I got "I told you not to stick things to the wall", "why haven't the children eaten yet", "you didn't buy enough sweets" and a host of other things I had done wrong. He is not that way with other people. Only me.
There is a difference between being cranky and being a bully. Being cranky is OK - we all have those days, but it isn't directed at one person, and it is balanced with nice things as well (I love that you did this or thanks for doing that or you look lovely today). Being a bully is systematic, it's ongoing and it's directed at someone who you want to feel bad about themselves.
I never called H up on it. I should have before it became systematic. He knew towards the end - I think he was aware he behaved like this, but couldn't help it. Some of resentment was even perhaps towards himself for being such a [censored] but, as the role of our internal narrative is to protect us this became ... "it's her fault I behave like this", and "it is too late for us to change". Self perpetuating.
That you are aware that this is how you sometimes behaves is a good thing. Forgive yourself (the past is in the past) and know that you are capable of change.
Originally Posted by burned
As for how to address it, why not try the terse but direct approach. Rather than saying “Please don’t talk that way to me because etc. etc.” Try “I can’t allow you to say that to me” or “I won’t listen if you use that tone of voice.” That’s all. Let him wonder why, and if he asks why (which would be pretty bold), give him that look of “You know exactly why.” Fewer words. Less is more.
When he is like this now it is not really 'talking'. It is more subtle now. Words muttered under his breath "Urgh - do I have to do everything myself", or orders barked "Make sure YOU take the bins out today" or hidden accusations "I can't find anything in this house anymore". He doesn't really need me to listen or respond and saying anything makes me sound sarcastic, argumentative or defensive.
Originally Posted by burned
If he really is a bully, then he gets his sense of power from your reactions. So, as they say, let your “no” be your “no” and stick to it. Don’t give him the satisfaction of having put you into a spin.
I think it was Davide who said it is easier for him to be true to himself if he does not see his W. I believe this same. I become the silent thing in the corner. I haven't got the option to not see him. The most I can do is keep up a friendly face and ignore the comments. I am trying to learn non combative techniques for dealing with other peoples negativity (stepping away, breathing slowly, visualisation). I will not however, allow him to teach my children to disrespect me. This is where I draw the line.
