Hello friends. Its been a while since I posted. Thank you Marina, DNJ, and Gordie for your advice and guidance. I took about a month to chew on that and try and further myself through this process.
As we move in to the holiday season, I feel so mixed up about things. I suppose that is to be expected. Although we were not doing great last year, W was still at home so the holidays, however awkward, were still spent together. Even though she has been moved out for 6 months and I have gotten used to it, this will be the first Christmas not together as a family.
I have gone through a period to where I feel totally detached from any feelings towards W. I don't really see that I want to reconcile at this point. Not that I hate W or anything, its just enough time has passed since I've had any meaningful interaction with her, and she has been gone long enough, that as each day passes she seems to grow smaller in my rearview mirror. Our only interactions are sometimes when we trade off the kids and the occasional text regarding scheduling of kid stuff. Its weird because she doesn't seem to be doing any crazy replay stuff anymore and although she isn't her old self, she seems to be a bit more level headed than she has been since the start of MLC. Sometimes when I see her she seems a bit nicer (not quite so cold shoulder to me), but other times still distant. I kind of don't really feel anything to either. When shes distant it seems par for the course, and when shes nice it just seems like the up to her down.
I feel like I am nearing the end of my desire to stand. I just re-read the old post that job reposted about reconnecting. Just reading about the long process of emotional/mental gymnastics required by the LBS at that stage just seems so exhausting and its hard to see that its worth it. I mean, I feel like I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. Someone who cares about me enough to be willing to fight for me as hard as I have been fighting for my own marriage/W. To see that I could go through 2 years of being rejected through replay antics and not even be at the LONG stage of playing delicate with her emotional state as to not run her off again just seems overwhelming. And to know that if I don't, the at that point it will be ME that is saying no to saving our marriage.
And now I have done something to muddy the waters a little further. I met a girl I kind of like. We went for coffee and ended up talking for over 2 hours. She is a year past her divorce from an 18 year relationship. It was really hard on her. A couple of weeks later we went to dinner together. It isn't serious, but I can tell that it could very easily slip in to something serious if I let it. Its hard because talking to her is so easy and its nice to have someone interested in talking to you. Of course, I also feel pretty confused about it because for all this time I've been standing for my marriage not even thinking about dating. Now, even though W told me we were done and that I should move on multiple times, I still almost feel like I'm doing something wrong. I mean not exactly, but a little bit. I hate it that nothing I do really feels right.
Generally I have been doing well and have been doing my best to GAL and regain some peace and happiness. And it has been working. Its just this last week and as we move in to the holiday season I feel conflicted about things again. Ws family still calls me wanting to do things with me and plan stuff with the kids. They are still talking and getting along with W, but I think they get better visits with the kids when they are with me and better planning and gift ideas when they call me. Its weird because I feel like I should be distancing myself from them since W has moved out and is living completely separate from me...but they have been my family for the last 20 years and thats hard to give up without a good reason.
Thanks...I just need to journal a little. Comments welcome...even if its in 2x4 form.
