Journaling.....2 weeks and 1 day after MIL passed away, we have finally said our last goodbyes. Burial was yesterday, and today a service at the nursing home. It was very nice. The Deacon, who did not know her personally, did an excellent job. H shed some tears both days. I believe a lot of his problems today are from unresolved issues with his parents.....he is adopted. Way too much to go into here, but I'm certain it has something to do with his self-loathing, feelings of inadequacy, and years of self-destructive behavior. Not just the adoption but the type of parents that raised him. As we were departing today, he gave me the briefest kiss on the lips. And you know what? I felt absolutely nothing. No warmth, longing, disgust, hurt, anxiety. Nothing. I left and went about my day. I have fleeting thoughts about whether he felt anything. But I don't think so. Perfuntory habit, maybe.
Perhaps I’m turning a corner. I have a mostly content life. Job, activities, friends, great relationship with the kids, and future events to look forward to. I have regular thoughts about what a single life would look like, and fleeting images of another man someday paying attention to me. Wanting and enjoying to do things with me. Listening to me. All the things H hasn’t done for years, really. Not in any significant way. That’s emotional connection, you see. And he runs from that. Or gives what he thinks is emotional connection to other women. But, ultimately that is hollow, isn’t it? And maybe safe because he knew it would end? I wonder if he thinks so, looking back. Or does he stifle the thoughts so he doesn’t have to face them?
I’m not putting hardly any effort in these thoughts. They are fleeting and don’t consume me. I guess this is all part of the process of moving on. I have no idea what my destination will be, but for now I’m content to just be.
