A familiar story with questions EIGHT

[sandi2]

Okay.....I have been really confused, but I think I have a little better understanding now. I think I am seeing the two of you in a different light after reading your reply to my previous post. So, I'm going to start giving you advice based on how you've recently described your W. I don't want to confuse you, and I don't want another reader to see this post and think it applies to their situation, especially if they have a wayward W. If things start going south, we can always take a different course of action.

At this point, we won't hash and rehash about her being a wayward or WAW, or try to figure out exactly where you stand in the MR. After reading your reply, I don't see you like a H with NGS......which is a good thing. From what you've said, she waits on you to lead, and she wants to spend time with you and is not doing anything that makes you feel disrespected, plus she has stated she is feeling happier. So. we'll go start at this point, if that's okay with you.

I am thinking that her biggest issue, currently, is physical intimacy. Did I understand you to say that there had been a SSM in the past? Was this before your job problems or afterwards? Did your W always participate as though she really enjoyed sex? Be honest. Would she do a lot of kissing mouth to mouth? See, when a woman has sex with a man she is not feeling much attraction for, it's not unusual for her to try to avoid the passionate tongue kissing. She'll engage with the intercourse, but she doesn't want to have the deep kisses. But if she is wildly attracted to the man, she'll want a lot of passionate kisses. Some men don't know that, and they think b/c she's had intercourse or oral sex that everything is good with her. Ah, but he better check out those kisses.

Anyway, you need to remain in the MBR. Don't pressure her to sleep with you. Don't drop hints or make jokes about sex or anything of that nature, okay? I may be wrong, but I'm wondering if her hold up from moving back in the MBR is due to not wanting to engage in physical intimacy. If that's the case, then you can work to draw attraction without engaging in the sexual act. We can talk more about that later.

I don't want you to come on too strong all at once, b/c it will cause her to pull away. So stay balanced with what I'm going to suggest. I think you are already participating in family activities. I think you said you flirt with her? Okay, just don't make it about sex. In other words, flirt as if you had just met her and want to get to know her better. You would compliment her about her pretty eyes, or hair, or what she is wearing. Don't sound like a husband, "You look really nice". Be specific. Also, you can complement her about anything she does well, like cooking your favorite dish, or keeping the house clean, or whatever. Just don't pour it on all at once. Spread it out. The secret is not to overkill, b/c if you do, it's going to have the opposite effect of what you want.

You need to be charming, fun, mysterious, interesting, positive, etc. This is what she needs to be seeing her H. Not some man who is negative, dull, in a bad mood, etc. Leave her wanting more. Just don't hint that any of it is to get her in your bed. Since she is not wanting to have sex with you, then the more you make suggestive sexual innuendos, the more turned off she's going to feel. Just so you understand, if she should surprise you and show up in your bed, don't go for the cookie right away. Play it by ear, and take it slow. If she just wants to get it over with, then she'll probably want you to go straight for the cookie. (Confused?)

Anyway, on with the plan of action. During the month of December, you can take advantage of holiday fun, events, traditions, family stuff, etc. You can even invite her along when you go out. If she doesn't want to, that's okay and don't show disappointment. I think as long as she doesn't feel pressured sexually, she'll be good with this change in you. During this month and up till New Years Eve, I want you to incorporate more physical touches, but they have to be non-sexual touches.

When the two of you are out in public, you can take her by the hand if you are trying to get through a crowd......but don't hold hands with her when you are just walking side by side, or sitting together, etc. Know the difference? When you go out into a restaurant to be seated, for example, put your hand on the small of her back to show you are guiding her (in a protective sort of way) to your seats. You can do this whenever the two of you start through doors, enter or exit an elevator, etc. You can touch her elbow, her shoulder, back, arms, and (sometimes) her waist ...….in non-sexual, non-creepy ways. Don't leave your hand there long, just make it a causal touch, like if you pass her in the hallway, or are standing by her, or whatever. I'm sure you remember a time when it felt natural. You want to get back to that point, without drawing attention to it, and without her feeling uncomfortable. This is nothing you need to discuss with her. If you do it correctly, and she still objects...….then let us know.

You can make plans together, talk about what to get everyone for Christmas, etc. Show her that you are interested, rather than just leaving it up to whatever she decides to pick out. Know what I mean? It's just an opportunity to show off your best side. Show her those improvements you've been making. Like I keep cautioning you, just don't smother her with your presence or pour too much on too suddenly. You want to allow it to build upward.

If she seems to respond positively, and is acting happier in the days leading up to Christmas, then I think you should buy her a gift. Right now, and until you can determine more as it gets closer to Christmas, I don't think you need to go overboard on a expensive gift, but get something that shows you've put some thought into it, and something she'd like.

I can write more later, but for now.....how do you feel about my suggestions? If this is off track, I think you'll know soon enough. Resist the urge to explain to her why you seem different or have changed. Some H's just can't contain themselves! Do not initiate talk about the relationship, the status of M, or your future together. If she initiates a positive discussion, then you can join into the conversation......as long as you don't appear to be explaining to her what you've been trying to accomplish, etc. I hope you know what I mean. I see this a lot in nice guy H's.

Remember, stay balanced about what I am suggesting. If I have totally blown your mind, tell me, and I'll step back.