13 yrs and two kids pt. 2.

[Manta]

It's ok mate. You're only human, keep GAL and focusing on yourself and the kids for now.

[Ginger1]

First, happy birthday. Second, I think you redeemed yourself and didn’t let it go too far.

I’m sorry, but she is a real selfish biotch to be sleeping with another man and come into your bedroom in her underwear and hug you and tease you when she sleeping with another man. That is so low life, classless and disrespectful. Go back to that and you won’t want to invite her anywhere.

You did t let anyone down and you aren’t a moron. You are human.

[RyanHun]

Happy Birthday Hurt,
The opportunity may have passed now but I'm sure will come up again. My W carried on walking around the house naked, in her underwear etc. like nothing was different, like we were still a married couple. This was one of the first boundaries that I set. I couldn't, nor did I want to deal with the emotions that came up seeing that. I made it clear that when one of us is getting dressed, in the bathroom, showering all that fun stuff that the doors are to be closed and the other person will check that the other is dressed before entering. The common house areas are all fully clothed areas.

[sandi2]

It happens. You've beaten yourself enough. Hopefully you learned and won't repeat it. The only think I want to point out is how the mood felt stressed while shopping at the mall.

the mood was "stressed", not fun, not light but just meh

What if it had turned into a really fun time? Would you still be beating yourself up? I suspect you had some expectations, whether you'll admit it or not. It's quite human, you know. It takes self discipline, focus, and practice turning it lose. This stuff is not easy. Put it behind and move forward.

Oh, one more thing...….don't use the kids as an excuse to invite WW to join.

Carry on!

[Hurt213]

I saw some signals, that weren't there at all, signals interpreted by me because of things that has happened throughout the week (the mail she sent), her touching me, her showing up nearly naked, and I just took the bait like a complete ass hat.

I feel really embarrassed. I know I set my self back to the stoneage.. My plan from here, is to deny her all alone time with me. I will answer polite, confident and content and validate if it makes sense, but only in the presence of the kids, if kids are sleeping I will be in MBR, GAL or otherwise unavailable.

She temp checked me so hard, and in the end it drowned me. Her plan all along was just to use me until OM again had time for her (which apparently is tomorrow)... I feel ashamed because I got such SOLID advice, and I didn't follow through....

Time to let her fly, time to man the fk up and take control over my life. Damn she is one cruel person!

I don't need this version of her in my life, but she hid it for the past days, and I put on the rose tinted glasses unfortunately.

[DejaVu6]

Man Hurt... you are so hard on yourself. You are only human. Your W's behaviour was so out of line!!! Honestly though...it really does show you that she is not the person you thought she was...at least not now. You just learned a lesson the hard way. Something we all seem destined to do. Pick yourself up...forgive yourself...put the focus on you and live your life as if she isn't a part of it. I know how hard that is to do but you have to do it. She's given you no choice. You WILL get through this and things will get better. Focus on detaching. It is a win-win proposition. If you do and she wants to come back at some point, you will be able to make that decision for yourself. If she detach and she doesn't want to come back, it won't matter. I think that is the hardest concept to grasp for all of us because we can't imagine not feeling this way about our spouses. I was 100% devoted to my H. Did not even think about what life would be like with someone else. I have to learn to think differently and see myself differently...as me...not as one half of a whole. I am starting to get there. You will too... one step forward at a time. (((HUGS)))

[ballast]

Man Hurt... you are so hard on yourself. You are only human. Your W's behaviour was so out of line!!! Honestly though...it really does show you that she is not the person you thought she was...at least not now. You just learned a lesson the hard way. Something we all seem destined to do. Pick yourself up...forgive yourself...put the focus on you and live your life as if she isn't a part of it. I know how hard that is to do but you have to do it. She's given you no choice. You WILL get through this and things will get better. Focus on detaching. It is a win-win proposition. If you do and she wants to come back at some point, you will be able to make that decision for yourself. If she detach and she doesn't want to come back, it won't matter. I think that is the hardest concept to grasp for all of us because we can't imagine not feeling this way about our spouses. I was 100% devoted to my H. Did not even think about what life would be like with someone else. I have to learn to think differently and see myself differently...as me...not as one half of a whole. I am starting to get there. You will too... one step forward at a time. (((HUGS)))

Great post DV6!

[Hurt213]

Thank you for the encouraging words...

Basically since I already screwed up, I just decided to go with it and get it over with for now, meaning that I wanted to say my peace.. I tried talking, but I could feel my self become really angry and knew that would turn bad, so I went to bed and texted her instead: I said the following which is completely anti DB, but now im done speaking, and I will return to full on DB. There is me and the kids, and thats it from this point out. I am the only one to blame for seing things and signs that weren't there to begin with:

Text goes like this : "WW, I think I make my point better like this, without the angry voice, without the body language that might come off wrong, just plain and simple text.

You forfeited your ticket to family things with me the day you began this journey of yours. And I am sorry that I turned soft today, and invited you along. That was wrong of me, and I will improve my self and make sure it doesn't happen again, I need to respect my and your boundaries.

You see, I won't be anyones plan B, and you clearly have a plan, so this is how it is, and so be it.

Thank you very much for making sure the kids woke me, that they had presents for me. I know your day was busy, so that means a lot to me, I had a good birthday thanks to them. This last week confused the hell out of me, with some mixed signals (at least I saw them as mixed signals, but they probably weren't). I acted on that and that was out of line, and will not happen again. I don't go into the MBR to hide from you, I go, because you and I are in the past, because of your present choices. Nobody should live with a wife, that goes to see and sleep at another persons house, to come home and wants to play family for a week (she said that this is how I saw it, but thats not what it was for her), and then is at that other persons beck and call whenever he decides its time for her to come over again. Its disrespectful, and I won't ignore it so, I choose to not be near you. I hope, that the house sells quickly, because this must be, I imagine, hard to be in for you. You said on multiple times, that the past 5 - 6 years has been hell and all bad... I just looked through my phone camera album and went back 3 years, there are so many happy moments. I know how its easy to rewrite ones story, to make it better fit the reality you live in, however that doesn't make it true. Shame on you, for making me think, I neglected our kids and you all the time, I just had to see all those moments, that I forgot about. I wish you the best despite all of this. Thank you for the last ever birthday as "hurt 123 "insert surname"" (by this I mean the last birthday where we wake up under same roof and is a family <-- she knows what I mean, I just worded it poorly).

I then included a video of me and her laughing till we cried of laughter.

She didn't respond of course.


So.... DB bells and red flags, and red alerts and what else, I said my peace... Now I am ready to go do my work. Live my life with my kids as if she is not there, and if she is, then she is regarded as the nanny that I don't get personal with.

[DejaVu6]

Hurt... it is your life...your MR. I know how you feel, about wanting to say your piece. I think of things I would like to say to my H all the time. The thing is, it won't make a difference. He is fully immersed into this new life of his and me having my say will only push him further into it. Despite me knowing this, I have still found myself saying things to him that I later regret. Thankfully it hasn't happened for a couple of weeks now which means I am definitely making some positive steps.

If writing that text has helped you to move forward, then I can't fault you for it. As long as you sent it with zero expectations, then it doesn't really matter. Again... the DBing is for you... not to bring her back but to make you more immune to the crazy ups and downs of this forced journey you are on. I feel like I have made some really good gains in the regard lately but I know that there are going to be more challenges to come and more opportunities for me to say things I probably shouldn't say. I am hoping when those times arrive, however, I will be way less likely to say them. I like you last paragraph. It is a good plan. (((HURT)))

[Hurt213]

Deja,

Thanks a lot.. The thing is, I was on a reaaaaaal good detachment path. I slipped today, but I will pick it up, right there. Because, I know now, how vulnerable I am, and how necessary it is for me to keep a hold of my core values, and stick by them. Cause then, and only then, can I keep myself on that great path I was on. The path that made WW question herself, her belief and the path that made me not care about her and her beliefs. I want to go back to that place, and I will, and it all begins now.

I said what I needed to say, with zero expectations, it was more to explain how I let my self down, and in that process I also let her down (even if that sounds dumb). the only thing I expect from this point, is to get back to the Hurt I was this morning, and the Hurt I have been lately. The person who doesn't allow her family time.. The person who doesn't allow her alone time with me.. The Hurt who goes out and sees new things, new angles and finds joy in that... The Hurt that will be indifferent to her opinions and the way she acts and talks around me, I will validate, listen and back the fk off. The Hurt that has 180'ed on so many bad behavioral patterns, and the Hurt who is enjoying alot of new GAL activities. The Hurt that accepts that she will be going to OM regardless of what I do or say, and therefore I might as well just let it go (fake it till I make it).. The Hurt that knows that the house is selling, and that my new reality soon will be in a new home, with my kids on a schedule, and not just in the next room, where I can go and kiss them whenever I want to.. That Hurt.. that is the guy I am going to pursue to be, and it starts NOW.

The picture that Steve painted of being WW as a Nanny, whom you have no personal emotional relationship with, is the picture I will put "over" her... That will be a great help when I decide how to deal with interactions with her. It will definitely help distancing myself.