[Wanted1]

I'm beginning to wonder if "going dark" is at a detriment to me in my situation. I started reading the Going Dark thread and it states in there that in some instances it doesn't help.

Now, I've only been at it probably 4 days or so, which isn't that long, I know. But, after reading the thread last night I'm a little concerned that my W will think "well, same old story, different verse. He's shutting down and giving me the silent treatment!" A part of me feels like I don't care what she thinks at this point. She told me last week she's moving out and so why do I care what she thinks now?! But, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I still want to R. I wouldn't be here anymore if I didn't, I guess. What I'm trying to say is, if going dark is just going to expedite the process than I'm not sure I want to continue. However, what else can I really do? I surely don't want to be all warm and fuzzy to someone who has told me she doesn't want to live with me and our kids anymore. Do I just give it more time and continue it and let the chips fall where they may? If she thinks its just "me being me, again" then I just have accept it?

Last night, I took a very active role in the kids routine. I had been more active ever since BD but last night I bumped it up a notch. D5 needed to bring something to school that started with the letter S (Kindergarten). D5, D7 and W were in their room trying to find something when I asked D5 if she wanted to take some suckers for the whole class. She got all excited and ran into the kitchen where I was counting out how many she needed to take. Earlier, I had folded some laundry. Up until the last few days, I would fold all the laundry, even Ws. Now, I'm just leaving Ws clothes in the basket for her to deal with. She grabbed the clothes and took them downstairs to where she's been staying. She was down there for a little while and during that time, I got the kids' teeth brushed and started reading some books to D5 and D7. When W came back up, it looked like she had been crying. Water off a duck's back. When we finished reading the books, W came in to tuck the girls in and say prayers. We've all be saying bedtime prayers together for quite a while now. After we got done, D5 asked W, "what's wrong, Mommy?" She was crying again. I left the room to get S3 into his bed. Night ended as it normally has been, with W retreating downstairs and me to the MBR. No communication at all.

It's almost like W is going dark on me too! She has sent me a few texts the past few days during the morning about kid stuff. I reply to the questions but don't reply to anything else. Other than that, she hasn't initiated a F2F conversation with me since I got back from my GAL trip on Sunday. This morning, as she was leaving for her job, I did ask her if her office was open today. She looked at me kind of funny and I told her a lot of the government offices are closed today because of Pres. Bush's funeral. She seemed surprised and said she hadn't heard that it wasn't so they must be. I was pleasant and she seemed pleasant back. Nothing more was said before she left.

Still have no clue what her plans are for moving. Like I said, communication as been very scarce since she told me of her plans a week ago (via text). I'm not bringing it up or asking. I'm doing nothing! Feeling the need to do something in the past obviously wasn't working. Patience is not my thing and that is a massive detriment to me in this type of a situation but I'm trying as hard as I can!

I don't know how I feel about initiating the conversation about her office being open this morning. It goes against my Going Dark technique but I also thought maybe I should initiate a little something just so she didn't think I was reverting back to my old ways. Probably doesn't really matter one way or the other in the long run.

If she would initiate some conversation, I would be pleasant. She just hasn't given me that opportunity yet.

For a second last night, after I went into the bedroom, I kind of felt sorry for her that she was crying. Definitely a sign I'm still too attached. However, it only lasted for a second and I didn't dwell on it any longer. I reminded myself that this is all her doing. She wants to move out. If the crying was because she is planning on moving very soon and that was one of the last times she will get to experience the bedtime routine with them or if it was a little crack starting to show in her facade, I don't know. If I had to guess, it's probably the former. But, I'm done trying to read minds. I just need to be patient, continue to do nothing and see what happens, I suppose. Going Dark is definitely tricky and uncomfortable for me. But, as the thread on it suggests, doing what feels uncomfortable is probably the right thing to do. I'm just not sure, given the history of our M and our poor communication, the both of us, it is beneficial to me.