A familiar story with questions EIGHT

[SteveLW]

Do I sit and be patient, do I start putting my foot down regarding future expectations, or is there something completely different that I should explore?

I don't usually interject when sandi is involved because she is far more advance on this stuff than I am. But I really think that you are in a much better place than you think. I think your only problem is when you stop DBing.

Trying for sex and getting shot down? Then getting upset about it? That is newbie level,and RR you are far above newbie level. One of the top rules of DBing is DO NOT INITIATE SEX. It is similar to saying ILY. After BD newbies start saying ILY like a madman. All that does is remind the WAW that she DOESN'T love her H. Same with initiating sex. All that did was remind her that she isn't attract to you like that right now.

I am going to channel sandi here: Lack of attraction is rooted in a lack of respect. So instead of worrying about how to get attraction back, you have to learn how to get your respect back. And just because she is acting respectful doesn't mean she respects you! Are you respectful to the cashier at the store? Would you say you have a great deal of respect for that cashier? See the difference.

RR, if I were you, I'd double-down on the DBing. GAL like a madman. Make her see that you have a rich life outside of the MR. Continue your 180s, cement them to the point where she learns to trust them. And continue to detach. You know how I know you still aren't detached? Getting shot down for sex and reacting badly. A detached H gets shot down for sex and acts as if nothing ever happened.

RR you've got this. Keep DBing. You've seen positive results so far, don't give up now!

Thanks, Steve. I don't know where you find the time to go through all these sitchs.

Some days it is definitely easier than others! I think I feel an obligation, since my sitch resolved so quickly (note that doesn't mean without pain or work!), to pay it forward. Also, a lot of this is therapeutic to me, it reinforces my 180s and that I need to continue to DB, and it has also become a big part of my GAL!

When you say that I am in a better place than I think, I have to wonder what kind of place do I portray that I am in?

What I mean by this is that you have seen progress. And though you get impatient with limbo, I really feel like you have a good chance of successfully saving your marriage. When we get impatient is when we make mistakes. Look, no one likes limbo. I was in limbo for about 3 months and it felt like 3 millennia! So I get it. But understanding that progress has been made sometimes helps with that. Even when my wife was still WW and occasionally rebelling against the MR, looking back at where we had come since BD, since her sending nude pics to EA OM, since her posting a full dating profile on a dating site (w/ a full explanation of our sitch I might add!), really helped. Take the the little wins. It is like a football game where you were down by 4 TDs but have come back.....the comeback didn't happen all at once. It was a series of small victories that all added up to an eventual comeback. That is DBing.

Now I get it about initiating sex. We even talked about it before I took a chance. If it was successful I would have done the right thing. Hind sights 20/20.
As for detaching. I get what you're saying, but you have to understand when actions, words, and attitudes, aline we let that wall down a bit. I will also add that it has been several months since the last time I initiated. W's actions led me to believe the time was right. In fact, I convinced myself that she wanted me to do it. I got shot down.

Ok I misread and thought this was more recent. Sorry for that. And I understand what you mean about actions, words and attitudes. What you left out of that equation is TIME. Anyone can change actions, words and attitudes for a short time. What you are looking for here is consistent actons, words and attitudes over a LONG period of time. Months.....years even. Don't let your guard down because she was sweet one weekend. This is where so many make mistakes. Read Did's thread. His W is a master manipulator and he falls for it every time.

[quote=RR17]
As for the doubling down? I don't know what that looks like. If I Get Any more of a separate Life, I will be single. I don't talk about all my extracurriculars because I feel a little bit guilty. I volunteer twice a week. Monday night Bible study. I have social events with and without W, Golf. I don't know what else to do.

Great question. And this is a struggle a lot of us have. Especially those of us that were pretty good at GAL before BD, and that were emotionally checked out before BD. The difference is that while you are busy as much as you can be, when you are there you are emotionall, mentally, and spiritually present. She'll see, "oh he has changed, but man does he have a busy life!" Your statement about "I will be single" is exactly what you are going for! WAWs expect their Hs to curl up in the fetal position and suck their thumb post BD. When that doesn't happen guess what? Read below......

[quote]I am going to channel sandi here: Lack of attraction is rooted in a lack of respect. So instead of worrying about how to get attraction back, you have to learn how to get your respect back. And just because she is acting respectful doesn't mean she respects you! Are you respectful to the cashier at the store? Would you say you have a great deal of respect for that cashier? See the difference.

Oh, I get it. But what does this look like? How does one restore the respect other than the other DB techniques?

.....that looks like what we were just talking about! A happy, healthy, fulfilled RR17 that his wife looks at and says..."Wow, I BD him twice, and this guy just went on with life and is happier than ever!!" Imagine if when you first met your W....all those years ago...you were a sad, mopey guy. When you weren't out with her you sat at home miserable, no friends, no life, nothing to do. Do you think she would have seen you and said "Wow, this guy is awesome! I respect him sooooo much, and that makes me attracted to him!" Or would she have thought, "Wow, this guy is pathetic!"

I know when I met my W I was a busy guy. And I "fit" her into my schedule. It made her realize that I had a life.....and that she was becoming a priority to me because I was fitting her into my life. Guess what, post BD the same dynamic worked. When you sit home all the time and do nothing, and then your W asks for time and you give it to her it is like asking for water on the beach of an lake. But when you are in desert with a gallon of water and you are willing to share some with her that will have a bigger impression.

RR, those that struggle the most do GAL the worst. And those that GAL but are always looking over their shoulder to see if their WAS is noticing aren't much better off. GAL for you, like you did WHEN you were single. She'll notice, respect it, and eventually feel special when (but not until she is open to it) you start fitting her in. Again, Did's sitch is a cautionary tale about being too available to the WAW.