Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 5

[NicoleR]

Hi Davide,

That's pretty amazing you saw this new lady four times last week! My husband and most of my friends are doctors and all I can say is they may have achieved career success but that often means they've had to put other aspects of their lives on hold. They may have less experience with dating if they've recently graduated. It does seem if this new lady needs so much attention early on that could be a bit of a red flag, but it's just dating and the worst that could happen is you decide to stop seeing her. At least after all you've been through with your wife nothing should phase you too much at this point!

[neffer]

Neffer,

Siempre cuento con tu apoyo!

Siempre querido hermano!

[Davide]

Hey Nicole!

I hear you about doctors and lack of time. She is 38 but started med school late. It doesn't sound like she has any lack of experience dating - she just wasn't ready to settle down at earlier points in her life.

I hear you about the yellow flags (I won't call them red, yet). I was talking with my IC today about how important it is to go into any experience with your eyes open, but also to open up yourself up to the experience and whatever it might bring. That makes you vulnerable. But without vulnerability there is no authentic living. I don't think you can experience joy without giving yourself over to an experience. Plus, as you said what is the worst that can happen? I've lived through the worst breakup of my life and come out the other side stronger. If it turns out that she has emotional issues that make her needy and with poor boundaries, then I can always walk away.

[Davide]

So that was rough.

My W came over to talk finances. The financial aspect of it was fine. She agreed to split up our remaining bills. She also preferred to attempt to work things out ourselves without a lawyer or mediator, at least to start with. She also thought that a 50/50 split was not fair to me given how much I supported her. She thought that going through our bank statements to try to figure out a fair split was the best way to do it. That seems like it could be a ton of work to me, but I agreed to look into it. In terms of the house, I told her that I want to stay in it for the time being and so I want to reach an agreement that allows me to do so. She was fine with that as well. I suggested getting an appraisal on the house once we are ready to split everything up so that we have a number to base the split on. Again, she agreed. So, much as I anticipated there were very few complications regarding the money situation.

However, she really seemed to want to have an R talk. She was crying much of the hour that we spent talking. She asked me why I wanted to do this now, and I told her truthfully that I wanted to move on, that I had spent a lot of time waiting around for her but I wanted to get on with my life. She told me that she didn't want to lose me from her life and I told her (probably unwisely) that she already had. I was calm and collected throughout the conversation, and tried to be as warm as possible while still being brief. Most of the time I listened to her, validated, and answered her questions.

She asked me if I hated her, and I told her no, that I always loved her. She also told me that when she thought about "this" (the sitch) the money was not the first thing she thought about, but that I was. She asked me what I felt when I thought about her and when I told her sadness and a bit of resentment she asked why I felt resentment. I told her that it was probably because she wasn't the kind of person I had thought she was, the kind of person who walks away. For whatever reason, that expression in particular "walks away" seemed to strike her, as if she hadn't thought of it that way before. She was also very emotional and upset asking what my parents and my brother thought about her. She told me that she is always imagining / catastrophizing about what they think about her. It's interesting to me that she still seems to need external validation so much.

I think the hardest thing for me to hear was when she told me that she thought that she always loved me, even when she left, but that she was just so tired of dealing with "it" (our unhealthy relationship.) I feel like she has been relatively consistent throughout this whole process - not insane, not hostile, not rewriting history. She has clearly been guilt-ridden, and conflicted, and emotionally all over the place, but with a determined attitude to be free. At one point she mentioned off-hand that she guessed that this was the price of her freedom. Is it really possible that she is only now realizing that? I told her at one point that we have to take ownership/responsibility for our decisions, specifically mentioning that I meant that for myself as much as her, as I take ownership for a lot of the problems that I laid at her feet during the R.

All in all, I think I handled it as well as I could, though it was definitely not textbook DB. It raised up a lot of old feelings, but not in a way that overwhelmed me. It seems clear to me that she is still in the same position that she was 6 months ago, whether that is the WAW "fog" or whatever you want to call it. I am very much not in the same spot. If she were to reach out and tell me that she actively wanted to work on the R to see if it could be repaired, I would probably be open to it. But she isn't there, nor has she made any movement towards that. So, I think my best and only option is to keep getting on with my own life. A few months ago a conversation like this would have left me devastated, in pieces emotionally and questioning everything. Right now, it stings but in a manageable way. She isn't capable of or willing to actively choose to love me, and I want to focus my attention and love on people who are.

[burned]

Davide, sounds like it was a difficult conversation for you (and for her) but the way you describe it, you handled it like a champion. (I don't know how you felt internally; reading it, picturing myself there, my entire body was tense.)

Not textbook DB but quite elegantly done.

As an outside observer, and by no means a DB expert, but a neutral third party: the timing is interesting. Maybe a coincidence, but you're seeing someone, and calmly talking about how she and you are really moving toward "the end," and then she starts saying those things. Maybe her "WAW 6th Sense" is picking up on your changes and maybe that is resulting in some second thoughts. Or at least ambivalence, or mixed feelings, whatever it may be.

If you're still open to R at this point, you seem like you're playing it cool. I see some potential there. Of course I only know what you write here, so I could be way off.

[neffer]

You did well IMHO. She is not where you want her to be. You saw that. You did a great job D. You keep the field expectation free. You were honest and direct, cool, calm and collected. You never know what’s going on in W mind. She has work to do on herself. We know it was hard man.

Sending my best wishes for you and for her. Keep GAL D, stay strong there. If you wanna take some summer time just give me a call.

Un fuerte abrazo hermano.

[Davide]

Thanks guys,

I felt pretty good about how I handled it. Of course there were some conflicting emotions running beneath the surface, but I really wanted to be brief, pleasant, and avoid any digs or passive-aggressive remarks. And I mainly succeeded.

I don't really think that there were any changes in what she told me or how she carried it. She was conflicted, emotional, and professing love, but she was doing that all along. Every time we have talked about the separation or possible divorce, or splitting up the house, she has had trouble dealing with it. But really, that is on her. It hurts me, but these are the natural consequences of her decision and I can't face up to them for her.

Neffer, your read on the situation is pretty much exactly how I read it. I went into the encounter without expectations, and I have left it without expectations.

No sé cómo sería posible pero me encantaría hablar con vos en algún momento (aunque creo que me costaría mucho entender tu acento!)

[neffer]

Our Spanish is much more neutral than the place where you lived. It’s not that different anyway.

Any time man.

[ballast]

Davide I am very happy for you! You have taken your life back from the tough place you have been for basically the same amount of time I have. At a certain point enough is enough and if life brings new opportunities and hope to you then go for it. You have stood and endured long enough.

I marvel at how you say your W was emotional confessing love and conflicted. I have seen exactly zero of that in my sitch. No matter though, nothing left for me now but to do the paperwork and remove her from my life. I have appreciated your kind words of support throughout. Enjoy the bright light and fresh air at the end of the tunnel!

B

[Davide]

Thanks B! I have felt a kinship with you since we embarked on our journeys nearly at the same time. It is really amazing when you realize that the power is in your own hands to make your life better. For so long I thought that I had forever ceded that control to my W. The realization that it depends on no one else but me was hard-earned and long-coming, but well worth the wait.

All of our spouses are different people with different issues. As true as it is that there seems to be a WAS playbook there are infinite variations even within that. I can imagine how hard it would be if my W were as cold as you describe yours. I suppose it is of little comfort, but at least she is giving you no option but to let her go. Keep focusing on yourself and becoming AMOAFWL!

Hang in there!