A familiar story with questions EIGHT

[sandi2]

I suspect that she has been WAW since BD#2.

How so? Not a trick question, just want to know how you determine it.

I just knew I was in Limbo. Blurry messages. I have been open to the idea that we were entering R, but I really don't feel like I manufactured it.

Okay, I think I know what you mean. Maybe not so much that she's trying to slip under the door, but slowly getting to the point of reconciling. Is this about right?

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What were several of the problems, and why didn't they get worked out?

Remember that this was 2013 and pre-DB #1. IMO, as stated, her problems were mostly communication. She was never vocal about her wants or need and what she didn't like. She built up animosity based on not having a voice.

But why did she feel she had no voice? Was it b/c she was too shy, didn't how to relate it to you, or was it b/c of how you would react to what she would say?

I got used to this dynamic and took advantage of it. I got beat up by the recession and lost my mojo and confidence. I felt that I was competing for Ws love and attention with my 2 Ds. I became an unagreeable grouch. I was put-out whenever anything was required from me. I went from being the center of this MR to the antagonist in a family. I'm sure there is more.

How did you take advantage?

Things were better but I believe that one thing I never figured out was how to make W feel like she was priority #1.

Was one of her main complaints about you not making her priority in your life?

OM was in the next state, an old flame from pre-RR17. W was looking and OM contacted her on social media. An interesting thing is they had a couple of failed attempts to unite. I believe that both sabotaged these events. Something about being attracted to unavailable people.

What do you mean she "was looking"? Did she and OM ever meet up?

I believe this was part of the process. I wrote about finding a journal entry where admitting struggling with NC and how she didn't want to even think about OM again.

Are you referring to discovering where she had written down part of the Lord's Prayer?

Yes, there was a transparency plan. She agreed and then reneged on some. Now, she seems to take steps to demonstrate transparency.

She didn't want you having access to reading her phone/computer activity whenever you decided to take a look?

The respect and consideration have continued and increased.

Okay, but you still aren't telling me how she's showing respect. Give me so examples.

Remember MC was upon DB #1. I initiated MC because I was Fixing my MR.(sarcastic) W ended it because IMO it exposed too much of her faults She was still speaking to this creep

So she had not ended contact with OM while attending MC? She didn't go through withdrawals while attending MC? At what point did the contact stop and she went through withdrawals?

during my pontification W broke down and was sobbing like I had never seen during all this crap. I asked what was the reason and W said she felt so bad about what she had put me through during A. It seemed genuine.

Did you not see that as her being remorseful? Just asking.

Does she go to confession and partake in Communion, etc.? (I'm not Catholic, so forgive me if I don't word it correctly.)

During that time I had a couple of panic attacks and I was a mess. At that time happened W was still involved it wasn't a priority of her's but now she seemed remorseful.

Sorry, I'm not following what you mean. Are you saying when she apologized she wasn't remorseful, but you think she is now?

I was repeatedly reminded that "actions speak louder than words" I hope other LBS read this and avoid this.

Well, it doesn't mean that advice was wrong. You may have not read the action correctly. Know what I mean? The key is when you start seeing their actions, words, and attitudes line up together.

One thing that has confused my thinking has been that W and I started out as friends 23 years ago. By my choice. So getting back this stage seems like a progress. I believe it in no way bypasses the need for proper R.

There is a season for all things. If the W is wayward, it is not profitable for the H to act as if he is her BFF. However, if she has repented and is respecting/admiring her H, then they can begin rebuilding a respectable friendship in the MR. (I went into great detail about this subject on my WW threads.) This is my opinion. You do what works.

I suspect that she has been "willing" her way back. Much more after I started DBing. The increase in respect and consideration is consistent and increasing. Yes, sometimes she gets miffed at something but when she makes a decision regarding the Ds, she consults me. When we have a disagreement where she used to hold a nonverbal grudge for a couple days, she seems to move on much more quickly. She doesn't default to the idea that I am blaming her for stuff that goes wrong. I used to feel like when my feelings were taken into consideration it was out of pressure from me. Out of sight out of mind. It now seems to be intentional and none coerced.

Okay, now you are giving few examples. Thanks.
How does she talk to you in front of the D's? Ever get sarcastic or raise her voice at you in front of them?

So, my big question, if I am not in reconciliation and W is willing herself to be a good girl and we don't know where she is in terms of regaining feelings, but know that she doesn't have the respectful attraction to want to be intimate, What do I do with this info?

Do I sit and be patient, do I start putting my foot down regarding future expectations, or is there something completely different that I should explore?

My thing is that I have trouble understanding why would will herself to be a good girl if she's not going to tell you anything. Maybe this is part of the communication problem, of which you spoke. Has she gone to this extreme about other things? I mean, if she wanted out of IHS and save the M, would she not suggest that much to you? as she always expected you to "guess" what she was doing or what she wanted? If so, then she really needs help in communicating...….and your job just got harder. (I thought you were like most H's who've complained the W didn't express clearly what she wanted before the bomb drop.)