Is love worth the pain? Back to Basics

[Did]

AS you're right, thank you. She's been confused the whole time, I have a lot to do with that.

I want to be there - healthy and "in the middle". I have definitely swung from - trying to be with her and pushing to the other- ignore her. We affect each other so much and there's so much emotion there... yes these are excuses. Its really just sad. I have a lot more work to do. Doing it.

I know the friendly neighbor / grocery clerk act. I'm not like this with anyone else - other women I mean.

Yes, the candles were for D4 and nothing romantic. It's honestly nice of her to try to let D4 have a tradition with me. But Im supposed to be going dark, right? Thats what I thought when I said no thanks. Im unsure if I should do what I feel is right because that goes against the idea of DBing.

I guess if its for D4 do it if I'm able... even if it makes me more available? Like facetiming in the morning etc... And treat W like a friendly neighbor... dont pursue or reach out to her at all. I usually dont facetime her when I have d4 until she asks. But then do as soon as we can if she asks too talk. Is this right?

Our relationship is so f'd up. A reset is an understatement. I'm wondering what I say if she asks about mediation / divorce - when do you want to do it etc. Just say you can do it when you're ready?

I'd give almost anything to make things right. We are both messed up for sure and she has made destructive decisions. I feel like maybe I just make it worse... but instead of accepting we're toxic for each other and staying the same. I choose to make 180s, grow and change.

Underneath all the turmoil she's kind, she hates that she hurts me she wishes she felt differently. But she knows how we affect each other. She's so worried about me when we're around each other she can't be herself I see the tension in her and it affects me. IF I saw it in anyone I'd say are you ok... with her she just isn't.

She's so hurt and does distort the truth, in MC she got angry denied inviting me over to rub her neck, literally said it never happened when the MC said she sends mixed signals... I found the text from 11/17 which said will you bring advil and come rub my neck....

Then she said I use women, mentioned mistakes I made from 15 years ago before we even knew each other after I talked about things that have happened in the last 18 months. Sigh... what a mess that was. I should of just cancelled it and Db'd since our conversation broke down a week ago... and listened to you guys.

After MC she said that she knows how unhealthy her decisions have been and thats the result of abuse. Again thats her truth. Feels like blaming me for everything. I didnt fight her on it. Nothing I can do except be a better more consistent positive person. Give time and space.

When I focus on her less things get better. So I will do that, pretty lonely, definitely hurting, but not going to fill the void. Not going to use anyone. I saw a quote today good people dont need laws to follow, bad people will always find a way around them. Hit home. I want to make the right decisions.

Trying to get on a positive page... running a new group through a speed / strength program, then group circle meeting with a yoga instructor I connected with a year ago, then supposed to hang with a guy I coach with for beers who is a bit older and recently divorced, now with a new woman... lunch with a friend tomorrow.

I will listen to you vets as best I can.