Y beat me to it and gave you good advice. You don't ignore you just don't add and initiate. Reconciliation if possible is likely years down the road and she is not going to think anything about you being brief in your small talk.
Why let her cake eat? How will you feel if you are out to eat and she gets a text from OM? She lost the right to celebrate your birthday with you.
It is better that you start to get used to doing things with your kids alone.
T So 1. I really think I "react responded" to her mail yesterday. And I like the response, that Steve wrote as an example: Would it be bad / wrong of me, to say that I slept on the matter, and that this is what I came up with (insert Steves response and then finish it with, that I think that it is best, if she doesn't attend my birthday with the kids, since it isn't something we should do together anymore" <--- I have to answer her regarding tomorrow anyways, but yea, I need some vet advice here please.
No, do not go back and try to fix things in DBing. Usually it is a bad idea. We all make mistakes. The key is to pick up from that point and do better moving forward. Think about it like this: If you said too much originally, saying more can't help you. Just learn from it, move forward and do better in the future.
Originally Posted by Hurt213
So I don't know how to respond to that.. I read it like "So I kinda blew my cover yesterday and showed you that this is hard on me, so today I need to be firm and show you, that I have no remorse, and want to just get the house ready and get it sold asap". This is of course my interpretation and maybe its nothing like that, but I need advice on how to respond to both cases, and I would love to do that in just 1 text, so I don't come off as needy with multiple texts and I really don't want a conversation with her.
Your read on this is exactly correct!! This is classic WW behavior. "I let my guard down so now I have to do something to prove how serious I am about this marriage being over!"
My WW did something very similar. After letting her guard down one day early in our sitch and showing she was having 2nd thoughts, 4 days later she subscribed to an online dating site and put a full profile up including picture and a detailed description of her status (married but looking, though can't date right now). While they are still wayward they will always respond to moments of weakness and wanting to say with rebellion against the MR.
General rule: If she texts you a question. Take your time (make her wait) and answer with as few words as possible (yes or no questions get a simple yes or no). If it isn't a question (IE informational) just don't respond at all.
Hurt, you are way too focused on her. And her words. Drop that focus. Focus on you and the kids. Treat her like the cashier at the store. (I assume you've heard that analogy before.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I need to cut my thoughts of expectations and positive results into dust, because they are only a fiction of my imagination. I see signs, that are clearly not there from an objective viewpoint. And you are right, I need to stop that.
I don't want to be friends with her. She WAS my best friend (yea I realized that was needy and clingy), but she really was, and she hurt me deeply. So no, I can't be friends with her, even though my heart tells me to because of our kids and their needs. Maybe in the future. She doesn't get to mash me like a bug under a shoe, and then try to be my friend. The only reason I am so much in doubt is, that if she ever feels remorse and talks about R, and if I at that point in time want that, then I want to stay clear of doing dumb [censored] such as ignoring her, if I really should be paying attention to her - I hope that makes sense.
This is EXACTLY where I'm at.....couldn't have said it better myself. I'll be following your thread hoping to pick up the same advice you are given.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
You’ll have a good birthday party...but without her. Come on man! Are you going to give her your birthday cake? Put your pants and respect your boundaries. She has left the family time, it’s her choice. You are doing the right thing.
So its my birthday today... In my timezone is 07.00 in the morning, and me and kids have been up since 05.00. Let me fill you in on what those two hours have already brung with them.
So, at 05.00 I am woken up by WW and the kids (I thought it was a nice gesture seeing as we are still in the same house, and I would of course had taken the kids to sing for her, on her birthday, if it had been the other way around - for the kids sake). So they enter the MBR, and behold, there is the WW in her underwear, yep she didn't even think of putting on some pants and a shirt, which I found odd (most likely a temp check on my birthday, the devil wears black panties I can tell you......) Anyways, they sing for me, and then puts some presents on my duvet. I open them, and it is some different sorts of candy, some magnets that says worlds greatest dad, and then a gift certificate for a local shop (expensive compared to the other gifts). There was also a card saying t"hank you for being wonderful" and "you are the worlds greatest dad, love from D4, S1, and WW". Kids then hugged me, and I got out of bed. WW then stood up, blocked my path and hugged me. Now the temp check begins. Im in my underwear, she is in her underwear, and im like wtf.. She hugs me, and I try to end the hug by pulling away. WW then hugs me tighter, and pushes her body even closer to mine. Then I push away, and just leave the room - what in gods name....
So WW had to leave early for a checkup at hospital, so before she left, I went to her bathroom, where she was getting herself ready to go. I had th expensive gift certificate in my hand, and said "WW, thank you so much for the candy, magnets and the card from the kids, that was very considerate of you to do that on behalf of them. This gift however, is expensive, and from you. I can't accept that, as we shouldn't do that to each other anymore.". She then responded with blank eyes (and then she became angry I could see "I can with my own money whatever I want, Hurt..." I said "of course you can, but no thank you". Then I left.
She didn't mention it, and ended up leaving the house without saying goodbye. Now I am in the house with the kids, waiting for the new brokers to arrive. WW texted me yesterday about the papers she had to sign. She asked, if we change our mind, and decide not to sell, what the costs would be? - Another temp check I am sure. Well anyways, she signed the papers, and they are ready to be delivered in a couple of hours. At first I was sad that she signed them, but I realized, we already did this once, and nothing has changed other than the name of the brokers, so I should push those feelings aside.
I wrote her a text (im dumb, sorry). Because I felt bad about the way I turned her down, and I fuckn shouldn't, I am not properly detached, because I shouldn't accept gifts from a person who treated me like trash. anyways the words were: "Thanks once again for the song, flags and presents from the kids as I said earlier, it really was thoughtful of you, and not necessary at all. It made me happy. Drive safely and let me know that everything went well at the hospital."
Thats about all the conversation I will have with her today, as she is not included in any plans. When we get home tonight, she will be have taken off to see a friends (OM, friend, whatever).
So what the heck happened...
I know I shouldn't have texted her, and I know that was bad, at least im learning, albeit its slow lol.
Advice, thoughts, anything
Last edited by Hurt213; 12/05/1806:16 AM.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Happy birthday Hurt. Temp checking in crescendo. You did well sorting that. The text was into DB limits IMHO. We don’t really know what’s going on into W brains. You need to be consistent with the road you have chosen. You did a great job interacting with the devil in black panties.
Keep DB man. Have a great time with the kids. Have fun and leave own questionings behind: you are acting the right way. It is possible that you are going to be chased today, don’t get into confrontation or MR talks.
Happy Birthday mate. Following your story closely. Hope you're ok and things work out for you
Sounds a lot more positive than my story.
BH: 36 WW:33 M: 2 Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018 0 1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019 LRT: Oct 2018 WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Wow. Just wow. Every time I read these kinds of posts about the actions of WWs, while not at all surprised, it definitely irks me. How they can be so cold and callous to the emotions some of their actions evoke. I am sure thre was temptation for you in that hug.
I have a story to tell. I have been pretty open about a very long on again, off again relationship I had with a girl. It started when I was very young and went well into adulthood. In this one instance in particular I had gone dark on her. I was tired of the up and down tug of war. She had a boyfriend that treated her like garbage, and they were always breaking up and getting back together. I learned not to take a breakup by them as positive news since it probably would only last a few days.
I hadn't spoken to her in a few weeks Then one night, as I was on my way out, she showed up at my house. "Can we talk?" Sure I said. She went into this long talk about wanting to know my feelings. I wasn't ready to open up like that since I didn't know the state of her relationship with jerk boy. After a few minutes of a pretty one-sided discussion (I mostly just listened) she told me to "come here". I was sitting in a chair she was on the couch. I went and sat next to her and she leaned in and planted a long, tongue-filled, passionate kiss on me. I saw shooting stars and fireworks. When it was over she stood up. And slowly walked up the stairs (we were in the basement to talk). I followed behind and heard the words come out of my mouth as if someone else spoke them: "I'll call you."
I left. The kiss was on my mind the whole week. The next week I went to my cousin's wedding. She was friends with the girl and this girl was in her wedding. I was thinking it was going to be a great day but while I was sitting in the church waiting for the wedding, I saw, you guessed it, jerkface (her bf) walk in. Apparently they were still together.
I blew her off that day and went dark again. A few weeks later she called and confronted me about being distant. I went off "What the heck? You come over, plant a massive kiss on me, get me all excited thinking we are going to be together, then I find out you and jerkface are still together! What am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to do?"
Her response. I will never forget it. "When I kissed you that night.........I thought I was kissing you goodbye."
ROFL That's all I can do now looking back is laugh. There was no way that was a goodbye kiss. That was a "I want to stay with my boyfriend but I want to give you false hope so you'll still be at my beckon call" kiss.
Long story but here is the point: she was doing nothing more than trying to keep you attached with her little underwear and sexy hug show. Don't fall for it. YOu did a great job, keep it up!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So my birthday is coming to an end, and yea, I didn't do great. Thank you for the motivation, thank you for the help, but I have only myself to blame, and I acknowledge this 100%. I could just stay silent, but I need to get it out, i need to embarrass myself and tell how I did screw up horrible, and fold my hand. I know I set my self back to the start, and maybe I doomed all chances of ever R'ing but thats it. I can't undo what I did. Here goes:
So basically I didn't fall for her shenanigans this morning ,however she knew, that we were going to a mall after the brokers had been to the house. So I take the kids to daycare, and have the meeting with the brokers, while she is at the hospital. After the brokers are done, I go to the daycare to pick up the kids. I then screwed up. I texted her (yes im a tool, i get it.....).. and told her, that she could join us at the mall if she wanted to - (for fks sake, hurt.. you leave her the fk alone, you don't engage, you don't invite, you don't entertain).... she wanted to come... I then realized that it was wrong of me, and said, that I was sorry, but I had gone soft, and that was not in either of ours best interest. I said, that she had chosen to be with someone else, and I couldn't move on with my life, if we kept on doing family oriented stuff - she said that she respected that.... So back to story.. I come home from the daycare, to find her in the house... She then asks if she can come, and the idiot that I am says yes.. So we had couple of hours at the mall, and guess what... the mood was "stressed", not fun, not light but just meh.... (hurt, you dumb ass).
So we arrive back home, and she has a meeting (she was getting a new passport so she an OM can go travel)... I then took my balls back, realized that I [censored] up beyond saving, and said that we would be back home for when the kids were going to sleep. We went to my sisters and had cake and fun. We then went to my mom and dads and had dinner. And now, im in the couch, feeling like an idiot sandwich, and I am... I know what im supposed to do, and I will do that from now on, but I slipped majorly. Sorry.
She was on my pc (she is allowed, its only work related and I don't use it for journaling or other personal things). And I c ould see in the history log, how she had been searching and getting written up for a lot of apartments today. And then she informed me, that tomorrow evening, she will be going to OMs house until friday. Geez...... She now wants to spend the remainder of my birthday watching a movie... Yea fk that, I am going to MBR as soon as she is done tugging in my kids.
I feel like I really let you all down... I need to start over. She just cake-ate today, and this entire weeks testing was [censored] up by this one incident.. I feel like a real moron.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
hurt...listen...you let NO ONE DOWN. you may have one of the most wayward spouses I've read on here in about a year and you loved her and you are reeling and every single one of us on here can relate to what you are going through!
not one single vet will say this is easy and god knows the sitch you have is a tough one. as for what happened, we live and we learn. every single vet will tell you this a marathon and not a sprint and by marathon they ain't talk weeks or even months so as I've said from the start grant yourself forgiveness and grace. NOBODY gets this, recovers from this or detaches over night.
you are not alone, get yourself out of beating yourself up and get back in the DB game...
