read No more Mr nice guy, some things apply to me some others don't, I am reading now other stuff like; A guide to rational living and A gift to myself, these two seem to make me go deep down in knowing where I am, where I have been, and how to look for a future without anxiety, worry and anger..
Also posting here as a journal is helping a little.
I am still amazed at my W's ability to ignore me, like I never existed, like a shadow, like a ghost or a thing that was/ has vanished into oblivion.
I have not begged or pleaded in more than a month, I have only texted once so I could send a present from Santa to my S, still more radio silence, the last time I heard something was a text to tell me that my dog is dead.
Hang in there Krull. It is mind boggling how we seem to no longer exist to our spouses now but you will drive yourself mad trying to figure it out. Kind of ironic how at time of BD all I heard was how amazing of a person I was and how much she cared etc.
I am still amazed at my W's ability to ignore me, like I never existed, like a shadow, like a ghost or a thing that was/ has vanished into oblivion
It is amazing how they can suddenly just switch us off, like all those years we spent planning, and hoping and building a life didn't mean anything. All I can say is that use this time to work on you. I see my H all the time. It is no easier and sometimes I wish I did not see him. At least if I did not see him he could not set the temperature. My life wouldn't be ruled by his moods.
All I can say is that you have a blank slate at the moment. Use it to create the life you want to live.
Originally Posted by krull
... And here I am talking to myself.
This is the outcome of what they refer to here as 'cheeseless tunnels'. Those horrible thoughts that run round and round in your mind until you can't sleep, you can't think and you can't function properly. This is grief, and it is normal. When they come, acknowledge, them, feel the pain and then let them go. This is where GAL comes in. If you are out doing stuff, then the thoughts will be less likely to make an appearance. It will feel forced at first and you will not really be present but eventually you will come to enjoy them. Reading is good, but it is a solitary experience and it is too easy to see yourself in them.
The other thing is journal. Write about your sitch, ask for advice but also write about the trip you took to the store to buy books, the meal you had for dinner or the new coffee shop you found. Making this a habit will help you to live more in the present. Doesn't matter if it's a long post. Doesn't matter if it seems mundane. Doesn't matter if it's well written or not. People here will read it because the wonderful people here care.
Let me say it. Patience! A month is not long at all. You have to give it time. She has to have a chance to start missing you. And most important, you must detach with love. She is on her on journey, no help needed from you.
Breaking down my first paragraph.
Patience: Find things to do to change your thought process. I read a lot, watched a lot of videos and went to a lot of meet ups (using meetup.com). I signed up for a lot of activities at church and work. I kept myself occupied. Before you know it two months had pass and I stop thinking about contacting my W or thinking about my W contacting me. I also worked on being patient with myself. I went and did things, I had always wanted to do. Patience needs to become your best friend. Every time you become impatient and make hasty decisions it will set you back (speaking from experience and making many hasty decisions).
Time: Our lives are so short. Fill up your time with things you love to do. Time will start flying! You will look back and say wow! Make the most of the time you have by yourself. Don't waste your time with being sad and feeling sorry for yourself. The world we keep moving no matter what our situations are. The one thing, no matter how rich you get time is one thing that can't be bought back. It's vaulable, and you deserve to SPEND it in ways that are loving to yourself. Wasting your time is being Cruel to yourself Krull.
Having a chance to miss you: This takes time and patience. You have to not allow yourself moments of you trying to get in her head. It can take some time for this to happen. You are looking at her missing you from your perspective, but from hers, you were the cause of all of her unhappiness, so she has to feel the same unhappiness when you are not around. When that happens cracks start to form. Seeing you confident and strong and Giving her space. All of this compounded together is what causes her to doubt her decision. Her pride and stubbornness will not allow her to show you that vurnability. She must have an opportunity to feel what life will feel like without you in it. Reality has it ways to giving a nice gut punch.
Detaching with love: AS talks about this all the time. Reading his sitch will show you a master at work. Lovingly detaching is/was a hard concept for me to get. Showing a person that has torn your heart a part kindness was crazy to me. But guess what it also crazy to the WW, especially when you are being kind and not allowing them to disrespect you and you are holding to your boundaries. Detaching while loving your Spouse, and showing them that you won't allow disrespect will help their fantasy dissipate.
Onward and forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
