You are longing for a long time gone W. You need to be living in the present time. Time to keep walking the road of honor and respect. What would you accomplish calling W out? Will it help you with your sitch? You can’t control W, you control yourself.
Keep DB David. We know you are hurting man. You have the strength inside to stand and face the future.
A couple of week ago I did a 180 and I sent a message to W on eldests birthday with a pic of their 1st birthday. I put Today is to celebrate ******* birth. I was there at your side throughout holding your hand and supporting you as our baby entered the world. It was the birth of our family. We shared the special moment. That is what life is about. I hope that you get the time and space to figure it out before too long as every moment is precious and those moments are being lost. Forgiveness is a decision. I want to do the right thing, do you?
What was the point of saying this to her? This is clear pursuit, she's made it clear she doesn't want you. This is day one stuff!
Originally Posted by DavidUK
I got back a message back saying it was a wonderful miracle day and that she was 'truly completely utterly grateful for that'.
... but she's since bought a new car and the kids say she was going to put it in her parents name (obviously W and her parents planning for a future divorce). A couple of days ago at a kids change-over W gave me a couple of old photos that I'd not seen before that I was on, not her and said she thought I'd like them.
Keep records of this in preparation of the court case to come. Don't read anything into her giving you those pictures.
Originally Posted by DavidUK
6 months of separation and suddenly I feel like I've hit a wall because I miss passion, affection and love. I feel sad that W has gone so low being dishonest in the things she has done; sad for her and the kids. I wonder how much longer I can wait hoping that she will realise what she's done wrong.
I feel like calling her out saying that she has been deceptive for years and my gut feeling that she wasn't committed was right. Any advice?
Quit hoping she'll "come to her senses" and get on with your life. She may never come back from lala land, but she'll stay longer when you pursue and feed her cake.
She doesn't care that you miss passion, affection, and love - so keep it to yourself or tell someone else. Like us. And we've heard it now, so it's said. Now you need to get over it.
What will "calling her out" do? She'll say nothing that you want to hear, even if what you say is right. So don't.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
David - Google Separate Dads UK. There are a lot of forums for dads in the UK who are going through what you are going through. Slightly different to this forum as the focus is on access and legal rights, but you might be able to get some targeted advice on there.
Originally Posted by DavidUK
A couple of week ago I did a 180 and I sent a message to W on eldests birthday with a pic of their 1st birthday. I put Today is to celebrate ******* birth. I was there at your side throughout holding your hand and supporting you as our baby entered the world. It was the birth of our family. We shared the special moment. That is what life is about. I hope that you get the time and space to figure it out before too long as every moment is precious and those moments are being lost. Forgiveness is a decision. I want to do the right thing, do you? I got back a message back saying it was a wonderful miracle day and that she was 'truly completely utterly grateful for that'.
Your W has to get to a place where she remembers this on her own. Force feeding memories to her will only push her further away. She will see it as emotional blackmail and manipulation and will only resent you for it. Stop. Let her get to a place where she feels safe remembering these things (on her own). She is not in the mind frame to remember right now.
Originally Posted by DavidUK
6 months of separation and suddenly I feel like I've hit a wall because I miss passion, affection and love.
We all hit this wall. But it will pass. Or it won't and you will move on. Either way, you will be fine.
Originally Posted by DavidUK
I feel sad that W has gone so low being dishonest in the things she has done; sad for her and the kids. I wonder how much longer I can wait hoping that she will realise what she's done wrong.
... it will likely take more than 6 months. Marathon, not sprint. Only you know when you have run for a long enough.
Originally Posted by DavidUK
I feel like calling her out saying that she has been deceptive for years and my gut feeling that she wasn't committed was right. Any advice?
Advice - don't. What good would it do? Your W will only deny everything or turn it around and blame you. Either way, you will end up feeling [censored].
Why would you want to have that dinner with W? I know, I know, but why? Where are your kids going to be? Have you got any kind of agreement about Christmas and New years eve? By the way, inviting her looks like pursuit IMHO. For what you have told us, she is far, far, far away...
I should not do that David...has your W said something about these days coming?
The kids are due to be with me on Christmas eve and day and NYE and day.
I already know that W is 95 percent likely to win custody of the kids at the next court date. If I show a willingness to allow her to visit on Christmas day then it might even help me a bit even if she declines (I would expect her to decline but I think she'd be tempted on the day just to show up). Next year, she will likely have the kids for christmas and I'd want to see them so hope she'd offer such an invite to me.
The only redeeming feature is that she offered 50/50 custody out of court at the last date and dropped all allegations against me - but later claimed the judge had decided that not her, and then she's put some allegations back in against me for the next date when it was agreed there wouldn't be any.
For all I know, in her head W may well blame me for her own actions. There has been no R talks in the 7 months since she has left other than a few months ago when W said she would feel uncomfortable about coming back to which I replied that I wouldn't want it to go back to how it was either. I'd said I'd been reading a book on anger and resentment and she said that perhaps she should read it too. The money she's taking to hide is her own money. She has more than me.
I've been doing some reading and it seems that WW may assume that I'm doing the same things as her - hiding money too, so I've been thinking of sending a message to say that I'm not doing anything like that.
I spoke to WW at an event we were at seperately. I said to WW that I didn't approve of her taking money and I now know she hadn't been honest about it for years. She said that she had been unhappy before then. She then claimed I'd called her stupid and had been critical of her the way she dressed and walked and I didn't want her seeing friends. The truth is that I used to encourage her to go out to see friends but she'd say she couldn't be bothered. She'd only had one friend locally. Her lack of friends wasn't my fault. We were busy parents, working and studying too.
However, I said that I understood that she must have thought she had valid reasons at the time. I said I had wanted us to be able to talk in a calm way, she said yes but would want someone else there too but wasn't yet ready for that and so she would write me a letter. I said there was no need for a letter. I said that I wasn't going to plead for her to come back as I wanted to be with someone who was fighting for my family not a partner who was half-hearted. I said that she'd never apologised for what she's done. She then said that she was sorry. I said those are just words not actions. W said the kids don't want us to be together. At the end she said "It has been noted that you've been making a lot of good progress".
