Whirlwind of Hurt 5

[Twofeet]

LH19,

She made purchases from a company that sells menstrual cups. I didn't know such a thing existed and with her hangups I am surprised she would be able to use them. The other purchases are with a company that sells feminine products that women use to help strengthen their pelvic floor (another thing I am surprised she would be able to use with her hangups). The only things I can think of needing something like this would be for issues such as incontinence or improving sexual pleasure. You can see where the latter lead me with circular thinking. There were other purchases but I can't figure out what they are. So a couple things with this. She goes out to eat a lot, plus all these other purchases and she says she is broke and can't pay me for the money she owes me right now (remember she makes much more than me, but historically is just sh!t with finances). Now the other thing. She had/has some pretty big hangups sexually, and with the familiarity of her own body. In the past I have had to help her with her health issues. I am not well versed in women's health, but it often seemed like I knew more than she did and she would come to ask me for help or info. Sexually, because she was my first and only, I had a lot of patience and also didn't know better growing up with her. I know quite a few guys who wouldn't put up with what I have had to do and would drop her like a bad habit. She knows this as well as she has mentioned it in the past. Despite all this I/we managed to overcome and workaround alot of her hangups and had a fairly healthy sex life up to the day of BD when it dropped to zero. As far as the CC goes, I am not on the card but they still notify me of purchases even though I have called them about it.

Steve,

I am rebuilding myself and while I thought I was strong, its apparent I am not as strong as I thought I was. Using that marathon analogy, its like I thought I was on mile 5, but faced with reality I am only past the first mile. I need to be harder, but not harden my heart if that makes sense. I wish I had a local men's group to go to, but I haven't found anything yet. Venting on here helps though and I appreciate everyone's input. Not just the guys, but the ladies input as well.
I know she is struggling with her problems as well. D8 told me yesterday out of the blue that mommy told her its ok to cry and she should cry whenever she feels like it. Then she told me Mommy cries from time to time at her house. While I don't know the specifics of her tears, my heart pains to hear that. What is better to think/feel is W shouldn't be ruining other peoples happiness (ie me) just because she can't find her own.

EZ,

I am almost to the point where I have had enough of her B.S. I know in her comments to me she is trying to be as separate from me as possible, which I get. However, its hard for both of us because of our kids. I posted on pain18's thread about treating the W as the biological stepmom. I think I just need to step it up to another level. Treat the kids as my kids not hers. I really need to be the true leader of the household, the family, the kids. Even though she is a coparent her actions and words indicate to me she should be treated like a part-time babysitter. She said in the phone convo earlier this week about the calendar and scheduling that she feels like we are both trying to lead. Next time I think I just need to say I lead you follow, then follow through with actions.