Things intensified very quickly with one of the ladies that I started dating. We were texting and talking all the time, and ended up seeing each other 4 nights just last week. That is both good and bad as I adjust to this new phase of life. There very much is a connection between us and we share many of the same core values and visions for our lives (we both want families among other things.) However, her urge to advance things quickly also worries me a bit in that it seems to reflect a degree of insecurity or neediness on her part. She is very successful (a doctor) and independent, never married, but has been quick to latch on and ask for lots of time and attention. She has been understandably skeptical of my readiness to engage in a relationship of the sort that she wants, a fear which I intuitively get and can respect. But I think that perhaps her own insecurities as much as my own situation are driving her. She keeps pushing me away and then pulling me closer. This dating thing is complicated.
My W and I are going to sit down and talk finances, and possibly divorce on Wednesday evening. I set up the time after we had mentioned it in passing a few times recently. I want to go over what we are going to do with a) the shared phone/gym memberships (I want to separate them for the new year, even though it will cost more), b) the shared savings accounts and c) the house. The first item is simple, the latter two are complex and possibly fraught. The way I see it we can either do it through lawyers, go to mediation, or do it ourselves. I would prefer the latter option, but am open to any of the others. There will be no alimony, no child support, so this is the main monetary issue that needs to be resolved. The house is a little complicated since I am living in it and it has probably doubled in value since we bought it. I may very well want to move out at the end of the school year (in June) but for now I want to stay in it, and I don't know that I would have enough money to buy her out after we split the savings. I am resigned to the fact that if it comes down to it in court that I would have to split the savings and equity in the house 50/50, but in reality I think a 70/30 or 80/20 split in my direction is fairer given the specific circumstances of our marriage. If she is not willing to do 70/30, I think I would prefer to go to a mediator and see if we can resolve it that way.
Whether or not to bring up the divorce is another big question, obviously. We still have 4 more months until we reach the one year anniversary of the separation which would mark the time that one can legally file in this state. However, if we both agree to it, there really is no oversight, so we could start the process shortly. I am very much leaning towards suggesting this. I have given up hope of reconciliation a while back, and really believe that there are certain core values that we do do not share (commitment/loyalty being one, desire to have a family being another) which I don't see changing. I certainly still feel a certain degree of love and affection for the woman that I spent 8 years of my life with, but I don't see value in actively choosing to direct my love towards someone who is fundamentally incompatible with me (not to mention, someone who doesn't actively choose to love me!) As emotionally needy as I was in the relationship, I can also now see how poor her emotional boundaries were as well. She constantly used to tell me how my bad moods would affect her, and how she couldn't be happy if I was unhappy. I want someone in my life who takes responsibility for their own happiness.
I don't want to rush into that conversation, but I am feeling ready to begin tackling it. I'd definitely be interested in hearing opinions (or receiving 2x4s) here.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
