Husband left for second time - 7

[Jim1234]

Nicole, your H has reached what is, for him, a good place. He has you on call any time he feels like, he provides money so his conscience is clear, has enough money to meet his needs, can date whoever he wants, and knows he has you as an option if his new life doesn't work out. Now that he's reached a new, happy equilibrium, he's in not rush to move the divorce forward, and he has no reason to get back together. This condition will probably last until either his new girlfriend wants to get married, or you get tired of it and force it along.

We are both pining for our lost lives and loves and it prevents us from moving on. Your life, and mine, still revolve around our exes, and we both need to change that. I'm starting to move forward with that, and pushing the divorce forward. In my opinion, you need to stop answering his calls, as a first step. I'd suggest being straightforward and saying it's not healthy for you, you can't detach and move on with this constant contact and you won't be taking his calls anymore. The best option is to get your D a cheap phone he can call himself, or else, when he calls, just hand it to her, and don't answer if she's not around. He doesn't have anything important that he needs to talk to you about. Even if he's dying, that's not your concern anymore. He fired you from that job. Let him figure out what she wants for Christmas.

Think about what you said about moving to Europe... "I told my husband and he agreed with the plan". Who cares if he agrees? You are letting him have a say in your life. Stop it. (I know, it's sooooo easy to type and soooo hard to live it. I do get that.)

I wonder how much of this money is "extra". Have you been to a lawyer to see just how much you would be receiving as alimony/child support? This "extra" may still be well below what you are entitled to under the law. If you start receiving it, he wouldn't have to send "extra" for a new bed; you'd already have it. Maybe he is the extraordinary man who generously gives his W more than the law would require, but I highly doubt it. I wonder if he's as generous as you think. I know a lot of bread winners think "Ex doesn't deserve that much!" but you were every bit as instrumental to his success as he is. You were a team and shouldn't have your contributions to the team diminished just because your sacrifices for the team allowed him to earn more.

I suggest taking off the wedding ring, and telling people you are separated. This will not only open some doors, but also help with your mindset. As long as you are telling people you are married or have a husband, you are preventing yourself from moving on.

One final thought.... Steve85 has a thread where he talks about a "magic bullet." In short, he says the only way to win back your spouse is to give them up. You should read it, if you haven't already. I think it really pertains to both of us.

((hugs))