S didn't want to shower, that's on his stinky butt. W comes home and sees his matted hair and asks him if he's showered and he looks at me ... I said and this is all the more reason why he needs to be doing this for himself. We do not need to keep telling him what he alrdy knows he needs to do. I told her he needs to start being accountable for his actions. (So later as she left the room I told him boy go get your stanky butt in the shower.)
I like this. I think I will try it next time he has a go about something D12's lost or homework that's not been prepared. I have in the past gotten defensive .... "we didn't have time" ... "I asked her to do it". But your way sounds much controlled. And you're right. They are old enough to do things for themselves.
Originally Posted by Adam04
I remember placing the items on the bed for her to find later. She eventually told me thank you in a dull tone. I don't even remember if we said happy anniversary or texted, but all I could remember is she said, you can not make me feel guilty for this. Never wore the necklace, I didn't push. The book is laid out in a pile of clothes as she is living out of a suitcase in the other room.
We all do this to some degree. I think it is a response to the 'rewriting history' thing they do. We want to show them that it wasn't what they remembered, there were some good times, there was real love. But they don't want to listen. They turn it against us ... "don't make me feel guilty". I never went so far as to make a scrap book, but during MC I tried to remind him of things we'd done together. I'd say "remember when we went to X" and he'd go "yeah, you had your head in a book the whole time". They don't want to listen to any narrative which doesn't validate what they've already decided in their heads. FYI - about a month after he'd MO I refused to let him drive me home after a day out. When we got back, I apologized for being childish. He sat there and took it. I told him I was just really hurt and didn't know how to act around him. He sat there and took it. I asked him why he had said all those horrible things during MC and he said "because I needed to validate what I was feeling". So on some level they know what they're doing. They just can't help it. We don't need to remind them. Also, I think that was one of the few times he was honest with me. I think, after a month of living on his own what he had done was finally starting to hit him. It didn't change anything. Too much momentum.
He has just left with the girls. I opened the door and the first thing he said was "Are they ready?". He did mention that the decorations looked nice (I put them up yesterday). He said "You've done a good job" and I said "thanks". There are Christmas pictures I put up of us every year. I left them in one of the boxes. He saw them and didn't say anything.
