Thanks all for your responses. Regarding my family, I'm not close to them. My mother was, and still is, an abusive and unhealthy person to be around. I've had to reduce contact to the bare minimum over the years. My father enables her behavior and is very awkward to be around. My whole family has a rural, small-town mentality where they involve themselves in others' business, gossip, blame, judge, and create a lot of drama. I told them I moved here for work and for my daughter to attend a better school and my husband will move up eventually.
I don't see a good reason to involve my family - they're not people who I can count on for support and in fact they'll make everything worse. It's one of the reasons this is so hard. I lost my husband and I don't have a supportive family either. I feel so sorry for my daughter that it's just her and I. My husband's family cut-off contact and my family isn't healthy to be around. I feel completely devastated that I brought a child into this world without anyone else except me to raise her. If anything happens to me I don't know what will happen to her. I don't believe she'll be loved or well-cared for by my husband. I'm trying to stay healthy and I just wish so badly I could offer my daughter something better.
I see friends often but my daughter is usually part of the meet-ups. I don't really feel a need to have time away from her considering I miss out on most of her life now that I work full-time and she's in school all day. I don't go to bars or drink alcohol so it's not really like there's any nightlife in which I'd like to participate. My daughter and I do a lot of kid-friendly activities together. I want to spend as much time with her as possible while she's so young.
This week my husband called me a lot while I was at work. He wanted to know if he should fly here this weekend. He kept complaining how he's tired and has a headache and this-and-that. Yet he felt he should come to see our daughter and he was thinking of taking her somewhere about five hours away. I asked if he planned to take her alone and he said "no, you can come" in a stressed-out sounding voice. I basically told him I'm sure our daughter would be happy to see him but we have plans this weekend so it's better if he doesn't come. He still kept calling me asking to make the decision for him. He ended up not coming.
Then my husband called several times this week about Christmas gifts and things he thought we might want. He wanted to order us a new bed. He asked if I need a new blender. He asked which toy specifically our daughter had requested the most. He sent extra money.
There was all that communication and then yesterday he never called at all. Today he called for five seconds in the morning and said he'd call our daughter back later and then he never called.
The inconsistency, the complete lack of having even a clue as to what's going on, and the loneliness around the holidays just seem intolerable. Obviously my husband isn't taking any action towards reconciling, but he's also no longer mad like he was when he wanted a divorce last winter. He doesn't stay here with us when he visits, he doesn't hug me, he doesn't say sorry for anything, yet he'll call many times in a week over insignificant things and he's quite nice. At the moment I feel there must be something I could or should do to clarify our situation but I just don't know what. I'm just stuck. I feel like I don't know if we're married, not married, done forever, or if he's happy with the situation as-is but if it comes to divorce he'd finally come home.....he's probably dating one or more women so I imagine it changes based on whoever he's with.
I'm planning to go to Europe for an extended time in May. I told my husband and he agreed with the plan. My employer agreed as well so I'm looking forward to seeing old friends and enjoying the change-of-scenery but even if I won the lottery it'll still feel like something's missing. I really wanted a loving marriage and family with my husband so badly. I started going into the office every day for work and it's helpful to be surrounded by colleagues...that's one positive....and other aspects of life are going well but the emptiness is always there.
In general I currently feel like I need guidance but not the GAL, detach, etc.. intro-level DB-type guidance but more on whether to try to engage my husband and create an opening for him to feel comfortable talking or if I should be closed-off and send a clear message that I've moved on and don't want to talk unless he has something important to say. I'd still like to reconcile if my husband were to ever have an awakening. I'd still love to give my daughter a home with both parents. My husband went off-the-deep-end but he used to be a very nice, gentle, loving guy. If someone were to say "you have one final shot at showing your husband reconciliation is an attractive option" I'd want to know what that is. Or if it's totally clear to the universe that reconciliation can't and won't happen then I need to understand what it means to live married and separated. Do I keep telling people I'm married or not? I usually tell people that my husband lives in another state without going into detail. Should I be telling them I'm single instead? Should I wear a wedding ring? So many questions....I just can't seem to make sense of anything.
