Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 3

[Turbine]

Good evening everyone,
[(barrel of 2x4s) explained later]

At the top of this page Yail expressed his thoughts about my previous post. With that in mind I will try, very diligently, to maintain a better level of writing in my posts. As always please comment or ask if you think I missed something in my dual thinking.

On to the topic of the moment.

Last night I went to a different church. This morning I went to the church I regularly attend. It was a special service because it was delivered by the head of our church. Recorded but still this isn't done often. Now as I might have mentioned before the majority of the congregation is Filipino. The sermon and hymns were in Tagalog with subtitles in both English and Tagalog. Now, kindly remember I don't speak anything beyond a few words and phrases in Tagalog. I found that singing in English felt wrong. Maybe because I was one of a few singing in English. So I ended up singing in Tagalog. Not perfectly but it felt right. Struck me as weird then. Does now while I write this. I was even getting a majority of the pronunciation close to right. I hope at least to those listening.

Opening and closing prayers were also in Tagalog. There were headsets with translation available. I probably should have had them for the prayers. I read the sermon from the subtitles. I'd like to believe it was an unintentional language lesson. Vocabulary needs to grow. Grammar is more like Spanish than English, so I will have to work on that too.

Don't know if W was there. Don't even know if she attended today at another location. Would it be nice? I'd think it would be great. However I will try to continue the detach plan. Yeah, this paragraph doesn't sound like I am doing all that great there does it.

So what does all of this have to do with anything? Well I feel far more certain about my decision about returning to the church. I was a new face at the one last night and nobody approached me who looked anything like a deacon or usher or anything with responsibility in the place. Now to be fair to them I didn't approach any of them either. Walking around looking a bit lost ought to have been a clue. So... do I regret going? ...the answer is that I don't. I learned something about me last night and today. What I learned is (for better or worse) attending the church we got married in feels better to me than going somewhere else.

My trip to New York in October and attending church while I was there. I went to Canada to do that. The expression on the border guards face when I answered why I was going to Canada. His face was "like you can't find one in the states?" Not closer than 60 miles. What struck me was I got a warmer reception at that church and I was a complete stranger to them too. I stand head and shoulders over most of them. I think maybe two of my nephews and one niece are better than 5' 8". Not many Filipinos are that tall. A few so I tend to stand out. Boy did I throw some useless info out there. Ahh... flavor text.

Afternoon was spent with my son and a few friends. Was expecting my W to be home. ONLY because the past few weeks she had been when I had gotten home from my activities. Call it an expectation of a pattern. Is that a fail on my part with the idea... no expectations? Personally I thought that was more tied to my actions and expecting a response. Please correct me if this is a misconception on my part. [explained] I'll leave a barrel of 2x4s at the start of the post.

The other thing that I am wondering about is the idea of a "good guy". Can this idea be applied to women? so in effect they are a "good girl" in the sense they do something expecting compensation in return. Or am I misunderstanding that as well?

Well time to make something for dinner. Not really hungry so maybe some soup. Going to be canned tonight. Should get out the crock pot and make some soup in there. Can control the ingredients and salt levels better. Better me and all that.