Still Lost pt3

[sandi2]

I read through your threads. In the past few days, you seem to be in a different place, regarding your sitch. I don't know if it's your IC sessions or just the emotional trauma you've endured that has caused somewhat of a change in your feelings. How much do you contribute this to your IC sessions? Has the counselor been working with you about codependency?

Lost, I agree that your W has some serious issues. I do hope therapy helps her to address these issues and she can find peace. At the moment, I am very concerned about her drinking......especially since she is working from home now.

Taken from your post on Sandi's Reflections thread:

I see her trying to get back to me but I have not opened up or let her back in. The A needs to be addressed and where she stands with OM but how does that happen?

You said you see her trying to get back to you, but IMHO, you are seeing her emotionally react to something else that's going on with her. I don't think you have seen true remorse in her. IDK what she's "sorry" about, but she's continuing with her same old behavior patterns.

Yes, the A will need to be addressed, but you don't ask her where she stands with OM. You tell her you won't continue to stay in a M that includes three people (or something similar). You tell her that you will not consider reconciliation unless she cuts all contact with OM forever, and that she has to agree to follow a transparency plan of your choosing. You see, it's all in how you look at this situation. Just in how you worded that question, it sounds as if you have no say. Actually, when it comes to reconciliation with a spouse that's cheated, you should have most of the say about how it's going to go. You should lay out the requirements.....not her. See what I mean? However, I want to point out that ending the A does not mean the MR is fixed. There were problems before OM arrived on the scene. But....she must end the A and stop all forms of contact with OM in order to work on the MR. We can discuss this more later, but for now maybe that gives you an idea. My advice is not to "open up" to her and start talking about anything until she proves to you that she is willing to end things with OM forever. No point in discussing your feelings or what you want going forward or expect in her......until you see her end the affair. Okay? Unless you've not told us how she's trying to get back to you, I don't think she's there. If she should bring up the subject of reconciliation, or hints all around it......just inform her that no progress can be made until she commits to ending all forms of contact with OM forever. (Don't just say affair.)


You asked about what steps to follow at this point. I suggest you step away from her and her drama...unless she should happen to commit to NC with OM. If she does, then we'll discuss what you need to do. But until then...…. do the following. She seems to want your daily attention after work hours so that she can vent, which is not uncommon for a woman. She wants you drinking with her. I suggest you stop both. No more going out socially with her, having sex with her, etc. Start conducting yourself as if you really are separated. That means she doesn't benefit from your company.

She is progressing to opening up and I don't even want to ask...honestly don't care.

Opening about what? Is she venting about the past or things that have hurt her, left her feeling frustrated, etc.?
More importantly, is this b/c she's been drinking? According to what you said in your threads, this behavior seems linked to her drinking. I don't suggest you take it to mean anything, if it's the result of her drinking. A lot of WW's rant and vent, but that's not the same as wanting to do the work on themselves and have a better M going forward. As long as she is focusing on you doing all the changing and working, instead of her...…...then she's not there yet. As long as she is focused on just her own hurts, she's not ready to reconcile, IMO. She's just lashing out.

If you step away, it may help clear your own head and determine what you want to do going forward. It's one thing to have compassion for her and encourage her to get the help she needs, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to live with her while she's doing it. That's your decision to make. Taking some time and space may be what you need for now. I think she has had you when she wanted you, and tossed you aside when she didn't want you. So, it might help her see a few things more clearly if you weren't so available. Know what I mean? If you don't step back, I think this could go on for a long time without seeing getting positive results.

I think you are still too vulnerable to her. You risk getting pulled into a "false start", which is where she says some things and shows some actions that you've been wanting for the past 6 months. Sometimes the H is so eager to reach the point of reconciliation that he tries to convince himself it's the real thing. If she is not required to work on her problems, I think you will suffer greater from it.

I am truly at the point where if we split, I'm good and have told her it would be a long road to a new MR because of the damage that has been done and the intense therapy program she is in.

She has not reached the point of taking what you say seriously. And furthermore, she sees you being the main problem in the MR......not her. Frankly, I think you'll need to stop spending time with her, going places with her, stop texting throughout the day, etc. Even if she initiates the text, do you really have to respond if she doesn't ask a question that needs a answer? One of the first steps in DBing is to pull back your availability. Maybe I missed it, but I didn't really see where you actually accomplished this step. I know you turned down sleeping with her once, so that counts, but try these other things and see how well you handle it.

What this does is give her a little glimpse of life without you there so conveniently for her. It gives you a better opportunity to draw strength as an individual, get back to your male roots (so to speak), and able to see the overall situation from a clearer perspective without so much of her daily drama.

With all of that said, I want to add one more thing that concerns me a little. The shift in you seems to have followed close behind the time you exchanged phone numbers with the female bartender. Please, recognize that you are not just vulnerable to your W, but most any woman that feeds your male ego right now. Rebounds are real easy, so be careful. Don't discuss your private problems at home, with some other woman.

Do you have much interaction/friendships with other guys? I think that is very important for a LBH. You just need to be around good, strong men. Know what I mean?

I'll try to watch your thread for updates and to see if anything suddenly happens. I am suspicious of sudden changes from the WW.

We'll talk later.

((hugs))