Grace... my H was the same way. Every time I have had a “talk” with him and said things like you did, he would just nod his head. I would mistake that for agreement but it wasn’t. It was just his way of avoiding conflict. Nodding implied agreement but honestly, it was really just acknowledging how I felt. Inside, he was in total disagreement and just couldn’t tell me. I left feeling like maybe we had gotten somewhere and he left feeling more pressure and more resolve to “save himself” by running further. I wish I had gotten all of this in the very beginning. But it is so hard...to really comprehend how two people can be in the same situation and have completely different ideas about what is going on. For your sake, you need to continue to detach. He may come back...but he won’t even consider it until he thinks you have stopped caring. That concept is SOOOO hard to understand. Your H’s brain is a mess of contradictions. He doesn’t want to hurt you more than he already has. He will not stop to look at his own stuff until he thinks he no longer has the power to do that. Right now he just needs to prove he didn’t go through all this for naught. You are right not to check up on him. He has fired you from that role. Let him suffer the consequences of that.
My friend gave me a good kick in the a$$ tonight, and gave me a strong determination to take a stance and let H know what it will be like without me. I haven't checked up on him at all today, and won't. I plan to only respond to specific questions, and only see him when absolutely necessary (his mom's memorial service and burial are coming up next week). No more offers of a drink when he stops by, or to hang out for a while. I have made it way too easy for him these past 2 months, and gave him the good bits of me without a morsel in return. I feel good about my revelations.
Worrying about H and our M is useless, and won't change the course it's taking. I've got living to do, and that's what I plan to do!
Grace - I skimmed back through your threads this morning (reading threads has become my norm on my morning commute) and I with each post I see the slow but steady awakening of a formidable woman who is looking forward to wherever this journey takes her. You are an inspiration.
Others here are right, he still looks to you for emotional support. If you choose to deny him that, then make sure you are doing it because not seeing him is something you need it to fully heal, not because you want to show him what he is giving up. I don’t mean nice him into coming home, or allow him to cake eat, but your H sounds messed up in more ways than one, and a little compassion (with appropriate boundaries) for someone we once (or still) love is a good value to have. But, if doing that hurts you in the process, then leave him to him he to his mess.
I don’t mean nice him into coming home, or allow him to cake eat, but your H sounds messed up in more ways than one, and a little compassion (with appropriate boundaries) for someone we once (or still) love is a good value to have. But, if doing that hurts you in the process, then leave him to him to his mess.
This is the difficult balance I face. I do have compassion for him. He IS really messed up. I just have to have it from afar and not slip into the "I'll take care of it (or you)" role that we are so used to after so many years. I know that many on this board think I'm making it way to easy for him, and I probably was. My resolve is not to abandon him, but to give him the freedom to start helping himself, if he chooses to do that. I have to step back and give up that roll. He commented on the happiness he saw in me just a few days ago. I don't want to lose the gains I've made by slipping into old habits and status quo. I think he considers that an option (status quo) because he doesn't want to make any difficult decisions. He wants ME to do that for him. I won't.
I haven’t reached out to H to see how he was doing. So yesterday morning, I get 3 messages in a row:
#1 Informs me the time and date of MILs memorial service, and asks if I can take care of flowers and a few photos. #2. “In case you were curious, I was in a lot of pain”, followed by info on Dr. Appointments. #3 “Pain has lessened but still substantial. In a sling”
I didn’t respond. After about an hour, I had to message him about our joint email account (it was compromised). I added that I was already working on the photos and would take care of the flowers.
I didn’t take the bait. Said nothing about his injury or pain. I realized that if he wants to live alone, he can deal with his pain alone.
Today is the beginning of Month 3. I’ve only had some text message exchanges with H about business. MILs burial and memorial service, for example. Still not detaching enough, though, as I continue to look at phone records occasionally, and find nothing. Periodically look at facebook, too. Why, I have no idea. Am I trying to catch him doing something? If I did, it wouldn’t change my circumstances one bit. It doesn’t do anything for me, except keep me a bit stuck in being too interested in H. Besides, I know from history that he's good at hiding what he wants to hide anyway, so makes my activities even more useless. I also know that’s not detachment. That is my goal this week. Stop checking up on H.
I haven’t asked once about Hs injury. I’m taking him off our joint gym membership. He can’t work out anyway, and lives too far to use it. I also informed H that I think we should get separate Christmas gifts this year for the kids. I’m done doing all the work. Those two acts make me feel like S ultimately will be more than temporary, but also is a good step toward further detachment, I think. I’ve also told a few more people this week that H and I are separated. It almost feels good to get it out in the open. It’s amazing what people will tell you about their own M when you open up a bit about your own. Makes me realize every M has issues and is vulnerable.
Looking forward to having the kids for a whole month. I'll pick them up next weekend. We already have some plans for things to do together. I will let H contact them or not, make arrangements to see them, or not. I just don’t want him to come over and hang out with them here for any length of time. To me that’s cake-eating and I’m really trying to avoid that.
Started my day with a great boot-camp. Football this afternoon while I take care of chores, than Christmas party tonight with my woman’s group from the church. All in all a good day lined up.
Hi Grace. Month three for me too. You sound like you are doing pretty well and have a great day planned. Definitely stop checking up on your H. NOthing good can come of it. I have resisted that urge this whole way along other than the obvious VISA charges but even then, I don’t over analyze those either. Detaching is that much harder if you go down that road. Even though it may not be true, I tend to assume the worst. I think it is my way of slowly desensitizing myself to any information that might come my way at a later date. So when/if I do find out something I don’t want to know about, it hopefully won’t knock my feet out from under me and I can continue on.
I have also told a few more people about my H and I too. Not the details...those are just too unbelievable and embarrassing for my H (I still feel somewhat protective of him)...but just that he has moved out. It does help and yes, it does seem that all marriages are vulnerable. DR talks about the stages of marriage and how many people bail in stage two or three and never get to the last stage which is the most satisfying apparently. I wish my H and I had gotten there...that he had more faith and determination to persevere and make an effort to improve our relationship. But...he didn’t and I have to accept that and move on. Still very sad...we could have had it all.
Anyway...keep doing what you are doing. Detach but don’t lose all hope. Read Happy Again’s thread that Cadet posted. Unlikely your H is as sure about things as he wants you to believe. He needs to figure that out himself though. (((Grace)))
#1 Informs me the time and date of MILs memorial service, and asks if I can take care of flowers and a few photos. #2. 'In case you were curious, I was in a lot of pain';, followed by info on Dr. Appointments. #3 'Pain has lessened but still substantial. In a sling';
I didn't respond .... I didn't take the bait. Said nothing about his injury or pain. I realized that if he wants to live alone, he can deal with his pain alone.
Brilliant. The "In case you were curious, I was in a lot of pain" would have really wound me up. You left me you bloody child, you don't get to emotionally blackmail me into giving a toss about your having your arm in a sling.
Not my duck, not my bottle (or as they say here ... leave him to his monkeys).
Originally Posted by Grace21
Still not detaching enough, though, as I continue to look at phone records occasionally, and find nothing. Periodically look at facebook, too. Why, I have no idea. Am I trying to catch him doing something? If I did, it wouldn't change my circumstances one bit. It doesn't do anything for me, except keep me a bit stuck in being too interested in H. Besides, I know from history that he's good at hiding what he wants to hide anyway, so makes my activities even more useless. I also know that's not detachment. That is my goal this week. Stop checking up on H
This is something I never really did .. well a few times straight after BD when everyone, including his mum, was convinced he was having an A. Didn't help one bit. Like your H, mine would be able to hide it pretty well so it was fruitless. And each time I found something that might be evidence it was never really enough to prove anything ... and it just sent my head spinning. Not worth it in the end. I now don't even think about it. He is more curious about my life than I am about his. But, that doesn't prove anything either. He still has alerts whenever our old house goes on the market and he instantly wants to take a look at the photos to see what 'they've done with it'. He is just a snooping kind of guy. Wish I'd known when we were together - it explains why he was always so controlling/jealous. I just never saw it.
You sound like you're doing great. I would say stop every now and then and think about your reasons. Sometimes we get caught up in the momentum of walking what we think are our paths, that we forget that we are the ones making the path. There is no pre-defined destination. Take it one day at a time and, each day ask yourself, what your goal is, and if this step takes you further away or closer to your goal. Don't ask yourself "what should I do now" but "what feels right for me to do now".
S21 messaged me today asking how things were going. What's the status with dad.
I'm sick of being the one to have to tell the kids anything of importance. So, I just said "He has decided not to come home. You'll have to ask him for his reasons". I don't really know his reasons, and perhaps H doesn't really KNOW either. But, I figure it's time for him to step up to the plate in dealing with the kids. Even though they are adults, they are still affected by our separation.
He then asked "Did he say how much longer"?" I responded No, that I only know he rented for another month. And as I said, you'll have to ask him if you need to know anything else. That's all I know". I told him I know it's upsetting, and I was sorry about that.
I am really looking forward to having them home for the month. I want to shower them with love and attention, and show them how much they mean to me. 6 more days!
Journaling.....2 weeks and 1 day after MIL passed away, we have finally said our last goodbyes. Burial was yesterday, and today a service at the nursing home. It was very nice. The Deacon, who did not know her personally, did an excellent job. H shed some tears both days. I believe a lot of his problems today are from unresolved issues with his parents.....he is adopted. Way too much to go into here, but I'm certain it has something to do with his self-loathing, feelings of inadequacy, and years of self-destructive behavior. Not just the adoption but the type of parents that raised him. As we were departing today, he gave me the briefest kiss on the lips. And you know what? I felt absolutely nothing. No warmth, longing, disgust, hurt, anxiety. Nothing. I left and went about my day. I have fleeting thoughts about whether he felt anything. But I don't think so. Perfuntory habit, maybe.
Perhaps I’m turning a corner. I have a mostly content life. Job, activities, friends, great relationship with the kids, and future events to look forward to. I have regular thoughts about what a single life would look like, and fleeting images of another man someday paying attention to me. Wanting and enjoying to do things with me. Listening to me. All the things H hasn’t done for years, really. Not in any significant way. That’s emotional connection, you see. And he runs from that. Or gives what he thinks is emotional connection to other women. But, ultimately that is hollow, isn’t it? And maybe safe because he knew it would end? I wonder if he thinks so, looking back. Or does he stifle the thoughts so he doesn’t have to face them?
I’m not putting hardly any effort in these thoughts. They are fleeting and don’t consume me. I guess this is all part of the process of moving on. I have no idea what my destination will be, but for now I’m content to just be.
