Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (TWO)

[Adam04]

Thank you lost for the info on the consult.

Got my glasses, need to get the reading ones In January.

For the last few weeks, I've been putting distance between W and I and spent no time with her family except when some of them were here for Thanksgiving. Skipped her family Thanksgiving party. Giving her the space she wants. Last night when I came home later than usual, she said our 10yo wanted to swing by the new house being built, I said okay. I don't know what I was thinking, I was just saying okay but then I thought maybe I should bring it back up and I meant to say okay you guys can go ahead. Later she fell asleep on the couch and I was in the study. Told my son I wasn't going to go and that he and mom could go in the morning after we get our glasses. No big deal, I thought.

Couple weeks ago we all went to get our eye exam and went to see the new house being built and maybe had lunch somewhere? So this was following the same pattern, which I have been trying to break away from, doing the family thing...

This morning I get out of the MBR and she's awake on the couch. We were discussing when we should leave to get the glasses. Then I said well can you guys just pick up the glasses for me because I'm not going to go, and I told her I was not going to go to see the house and that I alrdy told my older son. She asked if I was certain that I didn't want to go try on the glasses. Told her they fit before when we picked them out and they were just going to put the lenses in. She used this opportunity to ask, what's going on? She said I've checked out for weeks. She asked why didn't I want to see the house, that I wasn't doing anything with them, the family, anymore. She asked if I no longer wanted to be a part of the family. I was looking out the window. I thought to myself, Okay, I'm not going to get baited into this and I said something like no(as in no that's not it), BUT... then she said, fine if you want to leave, then you can leave. Back up... what? Okay, I'm human, I could not let this go.

I walk over to her, I said, no, I'm not leaving our home or our family, I'm not the one who left. I don't recall everything word for word, wish I did. I said you are the one who wanted to separate, who wanted the divorce, to be independent. I told her me and the boys are staying. I did ask her, did YOU want to leave because me and the boys are staying and you can leave if you want. She said she wasn't sure what was going on with me. She was trying to blame me for doing something "wrong" by not playing "happy family". She's delusional.

I reminded her that day on BD that she said she wanted to go. I said you are the one who wanted to take off your ring, you wanted to separate, you wanted to go. I said I'm not going anywhere but if you wanted to leave, you can. She said she didn't want to. She said this is what I'm talking about you changed from the day after we talked about D. She said you used to come into the room on the edge of the bed and lay there with me and the boys. I told her I was weak then. I said I deserve better than this.

I feel like I'm going to jumble this up. She was saying she was afraid I was going to go back to being a certain way before BD happened. That I never helped and she was wanting to see if this was real or not. I remember telling her "those" things we could have worked out by communicating in our marriage, but I deserve, this family deserves better, I don't deserve a wife who lies, who deceives, who cheats on her husband and is having an affair. She squeaked something and made a look like she was trying to argue against it. I told her she had a bad poker face and I knew when she was lying before. I asked her if she remember the day it happened and she said no, I said I did. I asked her if she remembers what she did after that day, she said no. I said I knew. This made one of her eyes twitch badly. I told her I am done. I brought up the times she mentioned about being in limbo. I brought up the time when she said if I felt like she was stringing me along, to let her know. I said this is living in limbo and I don't want to live like this any more so I am moving on. I told her I'm not letting you string me along. Why would I let her know if I felt like SHE had control of stringing me along? Does that even make sense? Does that mean if I felt the collar was too tight or something that she would loosen it?

Somewhere in all that she asked me could we still work it out. I gave her a look like really? I didn't say anything in response. I left and she started to cry. I want to say, I was aware of my body language, I was standing up but not above her. Comfortable space away when she was laying on the couch. I never once raised my voice in a talk over you type of tone. I was however stern and trying to be clear and to the point. My body language wasn't all over the place. I was talking to her directly, making eye contact in a stern voice. There were some minimal hand gestures but nothing like throwing out hands or flailing arms all over the place like in a total mess. I'd say I was in control of myself.

Later she came to my study and asked if it was too late to try and work on things. I gave a little bit pause and said no... maybe I should not have said anything because she was temp checking, but so many thoughts flooded my mind. She said ok, ok and walked off crying. She went to her room and sat on the edge of the bed, I said wait, I told her things are not the same any more, its not like how people can easily work things out. I said this thing is set in motion, we are both geared for this divorce and that she wanted her independence and I'm giving it to her. She started to get into her ugly cry and she said she wanted the boys to be happy, for us, our family to be happy. Then she was going to say something and said forget it. She was looking down and crying. I said hey in a low whisper, so when we did make eye contact, I said I know its a lot to think about. she said yeah. and I said I know it can be confusing, she started to cry more and said yeah. I nodded in agreement. Then I walked away.

I wanted to validate just a little something. Yeah, it's tough, but she has to deal with it.

She probably cried for about a good 15-20 minutes before going to take a shower. I went to take a shower in the MBR. I thought about my glasses... about what I said and how I felt. I was being honest, not trying to be hurtful, and since it's out there, we both can see it. It felt authentic. maybe it's a start? To something, to nothing, the same, spinning? No expectations here.

I did go with her and the boys to pick up the glasses. Our little one got his first pair and he loves them! I shouldn't be missing some of the small things when it comes to the boys. She dropped me off at home to meet up with her siblings to eat out and then go see the house and here I am.